City Affair

I just finished watching New York I Love You, and at first sight, I thought it was going to be like Valentine's Day - the American version of Love Actually. But, several minutes into the show, I noticed how desolate everything seems to the many types of people, running through their lives in the largest, busiest city in the Land of Dreams. Everyone has that American Dream idealogy imprinted in their minds, even the Americans themselves, and it seems as if, everyone had their dreams broken and shattered drastically. Or even the typical story of unrequited love and unfulfilled desires of the alcoholic painter, who was so enamoured by the curves and expression on a Chinese girl's face, who asked her to sit for him, because he had not been able to capture her eyes, only to die before she finally went to look for him. Even the man and woman, who never hit it off at first, that they actually had a decent conversation and allowed their attraction to develop naturally, after having an alcohol-fueled night together, realised that they actually felt very deeply for each other and wondered if the other person felt the same, but due to the nature of their encounter, had so many doubts. The lone girl who would go around, videoing the scenes in the city, discovering so many emotions and gestures of the people who usually are just occupied in getting someplace, somewhere, now now, fast fast. The fatality and rarity of human connection in a place so full of people, all just touching, meeting, talking but rarely ever looking at each other for who they are.

I guess, it speaks to me. Since, I also want to make it to New York someday. No, not because of the whole American Dream, but just to see if I can actually make it there. That's the place that'll decide if you can achieve greatness or just fall back and go home, tail between your legs.

I don't know really, if it will ever come true. Am I jinxing it, just by writing it out here? Or, I should just get out of this train of thought, this endless subway ride and buy a ticket back home?

Hmmm.... apathy strikes again. With a tinge of hopelessness.

Let's see what tomorrow brings, because, today, I have nothing to look forward to.

Life in Ink

meaningless randomnities
who am i kidding eh
writing this all here
baring my soul for the world to see
and it shows
my nonexistentialism
i am not seen
noone notices
noone knows
noone cares
noone there

I am going for my next inking.

I swear this, will be something, so potent to my soul
it means so much to me, that I will look at it and forever be reminded
of what, who, where, when and how i do not want to be

THE REMINDER

never regret the ink i commit to
never look back and say what did i do?
always a lesson in life, a permanent reminder
of the things that made me who i am today
the hurt, the love, the mistakes and the ways
i should've, could've and would've taken
but didn't
and so...

am forever forsaken.


goodnight deadeyes
whomsoever may read this
just don't start to analyse me
i've had enough of it
dont care, please do
oh no, dont
because i don't want to
cry those teardrops of rain
like i used to

Happy Being Miserable

Why is it so, that ones I hold dearest to my heart, do not understand me, and the most unexpected people do?

I am not wasting away, as most would think. I am just waiting.

Just waiting for that person. The one who could unravel the mysteries to my heart.

The one to decode all my nonsense and whining and bravado, and just pull me aside, to hug me and say, "Hey, it's all okay. I'm here for you."

Prince Charming, is a charming idea, an IDEA, mind you, not a fact. Not a reality.

He who does not exist, except for in our, or my, twisted mind.

I want someone, who just knows, what it is, to be in my shoes.

To know how to pull me out. How to bring me in from the rain. How to cheer me up. How to talk to me, in my worst and ugliest moments. How to care, without having to say so much. How to be there. How to know, what it is I need, right there, without even having to pry it out of me.

Is this unreal? A figment of my imagination? An unreachable height by which I forego everything that comes my way?

I think not. I think.... my cousins are right.

Maybe, they didn't want to settle, by settling down.

I believe, somewhere out there, that personality is waiting.

What if it will never happen? Will never come true? That he meets up with someone else?

Then... perhaps, I will just go on my journey, as I started it.

Alone.

I do not want the company I keep right now.

It all cries out to me, as soulless and with ulterior motives.

Or perhaps, I am just destined to walk this path alone.

Some people are, aren't they?

Well, Julia, better get used to it.

Losing The Essence

How can it be when I lost my heart and head to words, and now, they don't even strike any meaning with me?

I wanted to know if people cared, but now, I just want them to leave.

I just want to get this all over with, this degree, this stage, this job, this house, this career, this time, this age, this life and just.... rest.

I've had enough, really I have. Maybe I piled on a little too much at the beginning, but I've had my fill and nothing excites me anymore.

Those little wandering trails off the path, are so trivial once you look at them again.

What the hell was I thinking when I strayed away?

Just keep your head down, give in to the rat race, do your thing, and live a quiet, unassuming and peacful life.

Why aim? Why look above and beyond? When it is only an invitation to danger, heartbreak and failure. Silly, silly me. I must've read way too many books and let my imagination get the better of me. Face the facts. The facts of life. As dreary as they are. Look, in your textbooks. That is as much and as far as we can push.

*sigh*

No matter what you say, I will always feel this way. Until the day, I can look up, and see that smile in the sky again.

Towers Rise As Hearts Crumble

I am a cracked pot.

And I don't want to be fixed.

My heart is breaking

And I cannot be fixed.

Take me out of this time, this moment, this scene..

Take me away from this place, this situation, please...

I will always be this soul, no one can rein in

I will always be a bird, ready for take off

I will always be this deadened

Lifeless mannequin marked with stigmata

Can I ever get so far?

As to get away from everything that makes me me

Endless ferris wheel ride, all lights and sounds

Wanna waste a little time with me?

Run after me, then, because I'll always run a little faster

Hold me in your arms, hold me tight

Because my heart and soul are about to float away

Take me away from myself

Because I've grown tired of this meaningless shell

Yes, empty vessel, empty pot, empty heart

Nothing else exists, except the superficial

Blow me away, I am as light as a thought

As shallow as a puddle

As meaningless as a whim

As careless as a whisper

As shortlived as a trip

Throw me away, I am as useless as the day's paper

Throw myself away, I cannot see anymore

I cannot feel, do not want to rather

For all this meaning means nothing

Brings us to nowhere

And breaks us everywhere

----------------------------------------

"The price of a memory is the memory of the sorrow it brings."

"I can bleed as well as anyone, but I need someone to help me sleep."

"You can see a million miles tonight, but you can't get very far."

- Counting Crows

As I am counting my days

As I am counting the pieces of my scattered heart

Count me out


I am done.