Remeniscing.

That time he was so disturbed and saddened by his breakup with her, he drove around the dimly lighted streets of USJ, that being his time of contemplation and calm, I messaged him and told him, that whenever he's sad or down, I want to be there for him. That will never change.


How I held his hand, when he was holding the gear stick of a little courting-machine SLK, and knew that that was it. So many times from last year we sat in a car together, I was praying that he would reach out and hold mine, like I did the first time. But instead, he was more concerned about the traffic and signboards. This has changed.


How we sat outside of Rainforest, in those lights, noise and people, he asked me to be his girlfriend. In less than a heartbeat, I would go there again, and have me be the one asking him now.


How he wants me to propose to him, I would reenact that, on a pimped up BMX which I learn how to ride, I would propose to him, and put a ring on his finger.


How we fight crazily, bite and love-wrestle each other. How we stalked each other in the house, how we would spy on each other, despite knowing everything about each other.


How I would make him food, while he played his car games, and be up so fast, with his fave food to calm his troubled penguin tummy. I hope he never forgets that.


How he'd put my face towel over his head, pretending it was a helmet and claiming it would make him drive better in his PS races. How I'd be co-pilot and his lucky charm for winning races.


How I'd hold his hand, and kiss his nose sticking out from the blankets, while he acted cute or fell asleep watching movies.


How we have this ritual of kissing the forehead, left cheek, right cheek, chin, NOSE.....!, and then a lovely ending of a long lingering kiss on the lips.


How any hair or eyelashes of his that drops on to me, I'd put back on my head, so that it would not be lonely.


How we used to say "See you in Piggyland, under the cherry tree" before we fell asleep, because we couldn't stand being away from each other, even during sleep. I say that to myself every night, but Piggyland is empty now.


How we'd joke and laugh and write each other little secret notes during work in Edexcel, just to keep our days going, and save each other from stress. I have some of them left.


How we'd just walk around, carefree, but having that wonderful warmth holding each others' hands, like we were high as helium, but that was our anchor that we made.


How we started that one night burger shop, which ended up into a fluke-BBQ and just good memories and laughs about it. Hope he remembers it still.


How we'd shift and turn, and try to fall asleep in each others' arms, yet become so hot, that we'd end up in weird yoga positions, and I'd reach out every now and then, to make sure that he wasn't cold, because he would never wake up to cover himself, and just shiver and have a fitful sleep. Whenever those fuzzy penguin legs were cold, I'd get up, and cover him with a blanket, and all he'd do is give out mini-sighs and squeaks and then settle comfortably in the warmth.


There's more to come. I'm writing all this, so that it will never fade. Those memories are ever-so-precious. This is me documenting this, so that one day, he might know, that no matter what mistakes I did, the huge amount of things I did throughout the 6 years was nothing but love.


I know, he will never come back to me. This is my healing I guess.


*shrugs* my last texts were unemotional and direct to the point. I don't want to torture him any longer with my pleas and begging. I think it makes him really uncomfortable and angry and it irritates him. So I write these unsent letters to him, on the wall, in my blog, just so I can let it out. He will never see or appreciate these, because they are just meaningless words to him, I believe. I know also, for his recent sudden definite change of heart. There is someone. *sigh*


I have asked for my DVDs, books and other things from him. Only one thing remains with him, which I know he thought that he doesn't and doesn't know he has still... 


















My heart.




Maybe, in time, when I walk past to see Tinky, I might see my heart lying outside on the ground, where he finds it and throws it out with the trash and dry leaves.......

So Near Yet So Far

I'm wondering how you're doing across the field down there.....

Yesterday

Yesterday for the first time in my life, I actually obsessively called for I think nearly 30 times in a row and sent several texts. No answer, no reply.


Looks like I've been given the official brush off. 


So much for this text dated, 4 June 2011
"That would be great.i admire that,would love to be around you during that process.I hope you are serious on what you have said."


5 June 2011
"Sorry for the late reply.yeah ill spend time with you. ...."


7 June 2011
"Ok...sleep tight then...will see you soon to catch up alright...nite nite..."


Just TELL ME if you don't want to see me EVER again okay??????


Am I going crazy? Acting crazy? I made you into that. I made me into this.


I can just see history repeating itself. How you had problems with your ex, and you asked for my number at the bar that you worked at. Few days later, when you actually extorted it out of a mutual acquaintance, you call me up, take me out to mamak, spill your heart out about your emo-troubles with your current girlfriend, and boom, four days later, you're sleeping with me and a week later, you break up your 5 year relationship, and start with me.


Which girl is it now, who's taken your fancy at some happening Subang mamak now?
Don't just say it's all guys, and then keep your phone glued to your hand, even when it slips down the pillow, you can be fast asleep one minute, when I get up to bathe, you actually barrel your way upstairs, demanding where your handphone is, when actually it was there all the time. So Goddamn sneaky!!! Why are you so concerned where your phone is, when you already put it on lock mode anyways? 


Before you moved out, you would switch it off at night, and wait for me to leave the house, then you would switch it on. So friggin SNEAKY!!!!


Go fuck Vivien Lim, Melissa May, Ira, and whichever random girl you pick up at the club who loves gyrating herself against your crotch and tell yourself that she's the next one on your list, when you can actually preach to me about how "wild" "partygirl" I am, and not wanting to settle down, when you're going out to places getting girls who're equally or even worse than I am. 


At least I don't sell myself to some sugar daddy so I can fund my expensive bag and clothes habit just because my real daddy is some minister who claims to be holy-moly, but has recently fallen out of public favour, and despite my family connections, I still am studying despite my age, and still bumming around, changing courses. Put me up on that pedestal, because I'm a friggin' goddess to you, that you will never admit to anyone about. I'm your emo-partner in crime. Your best friend, who's so refined, that you never had feelings for, but yet you know what my lady parts smell like. WOW.


Go on so many dinner dates and send random text messages to a girl who already has a boyfriend for so many years, telling her how you're getting excited, and then ter-press Send button, coz she said she's going to have a shower,and you can imagine that. And then come and preach to other people, about how a third party tore your relationship apart. How about this one girl??? And her boyfriend, who's a cousin of your so-called good friend who just laughed when I said that you and me broke up.


OH, I know that this is NOTHING compared to what I did. Coz you did it ALL AFTER we broke up. Yeayeayea. Have the decency to MAN UP and answer the GODDAMNED PHONE!!!


Know why I'm saying all this????/?? Coz I freaking hate you for making me miss you and I still love you. 


I'm FUCKING STUPID. 


I'm FUCKING NOTHING.


I'm a FUCKING Cheap, easy, alcoholic, drunk, whore. That's according to you.


I don't give a shit about anything anymore.


FUCK THIS. FUCK YOU. FUCK ME. FUCK LIFE. FUCK OFF.

When It Rains, It really Pours..

On Wednesday, I was caught in the rain when going to sign off some documents, and ended up sitting drenched for an hour plus. When I finally got back, I thought all was fine. Thursday, I woke up with a bad sore throat and had the feeling I was going to fall sick. Friday afternoon, everything started to spin and blur around me. The doctor said I had a fever, sore throat and flu.


And I was alone in my station for dinner, there's a gash on my left palm that's threatening to heal slowly, with a lot of infections on the way. Ouch.


And during that entire time, I was "on autopilot" as my chef calls it. Shaking hands made things slower and harder to complete.


Sigh. You're already gone. What else matters right?


You're not going to rain on my parade... I tsunami'ed it myself already.

What can I do to make you come back?

What can I do to show you I really love you?

*sobs the night away*