Remeniscing.

That time he was so disturbed and saddened by his breakup with her, he drove around the dimly lighted streets of USJ, that being his time of contemplation and calm, I messaged him and told him, that whenever he's sad or down, I want to be there for him. That will never change.


How I held his hand, when he was holding the gear stick of a little courting-machine SLK, and knew that that was it. So many times from last year we sat in a car together, I was praying that he would reach out and hold mine, like I did the first time. But instead, he was more concerned about the traffic and signboards. This has changed.


How we sat outside of Rainforest, in those lights, noise and people, he asked me to be his girlfriend. In less than a heartbeat, I would go there again, and have me be the one asking him now.


How he wants me to propose to him, I would reenact that, on a pimped up BMX which I learn how to ride, I would propose to him, and put a ring on his finger.


How we fight crazily, bite and love-wrestle each other. How we stalked each other in the house, how we would spy on each other, despite knowing everything about each other.


How I would make him food, while he played his car games, and be up so fast, with his fave food to calm his troubled penguin tummy. I hope he never forgets that.


How he'd put my face towel over his head, pretending it was a helmet and claiming it would make him drive better in his PS races. How I'd be co-pilot and his lucky charm for winning races.


How I'd hold his hand, and kiss his nose sticking out from the blankets, while he acted cute or fell asleep watching movies.


How we have this ritual of kissing the forehead, left cheek, right cheek, chin, NOSE.....!, and then a lovely ending of a long lingering kiss on the lips.


How any hair or eyelashes of his that drops on to me, I'd put back on my head, so that it would not be lonely.


How we used to say "See you in Piggyland, under the cherry tree" before we fell asleep, because we couldn't stand being away from each other, even during sleep. I say that to myself every night, but Piggyland is empty now.


How we'd joke and laugh and write each other little secret notes during work in Edexcel, just to keep our days going, and save each other from stress. I have some of them left.


How we'd just walk around, carefree, but having that wonderful warmth holding each others' hands, like we were high as helium, but that was our anchor that we made.


How we started that one night burger shop, which ended up into a fluke-BBQ and just good memories and laughs about it. Hope he remembers it still.


How we'd shift and turn, and try to fall asleep in each others' arms, yet become so hot, that we'd end up in weird yoga positions, and I'd reach out every now and then, to make sure that he wasn't cold, because he would never wake up to cover himself, and just shiver and have a fitful sleep. Whenever those fuzzy penguin legs were cold, I'd get up, and cover him with a blanket, and all he'd do is give out mini-sighs and squeaks and then settle comfortably in the warmth.


There's more to come. I'm writing all this, so that it will never fade. Those memories are ever-so-precious. This is me documenting this, so that one day, he might know, that no matter what mistakes I did, the huge amount of things I did throughout the 6 years was nothing but love.


I know, he will never come back to me. This is my healing I guess.


*shrugs* my last texts were unemotional and direct to the point. I don't want to torture him any longer with my pleas and begging. I think it makes him really uncomfortable and angry and it irritates him. So I write these unsent letters to him, on the wall, in my blog, just so I can let it out. He will never see or appreciate these, because they are just meaningless words to him, I believe. I know also, for his recent sudden definite change of heart. There is someone. *sigh*


I have asked for my DVDs, books and other things from him. Only one thing remains with him, which I know he thought that he doesn't and doesn't know he has still... 


















My heart.




Maybe, in time, when I walk past to see Tinky, I might see my heart lying outside on the ground, where he finds it and throws it out with the trash and dry leaves.......