The Meaning of Friendship

I've swallowed many bitter pills before, but this time around, it is by far the hardest one to swallow. Yes, the loneliness I'm experiencing right now, is due to all my mean, careless, thoughtless and selfish fuck-ups. But that's just me and him. It does not have to involve my 'friends' and the extensions of themselves. 

True friends will not agree with everything you say. They just make sure they're there to hear you say it.

And this time around? Those people whom I've always considered my closest and oldest friends, despite the distance and long gaps in between conversations and catch-ups, did not, at any time, call or text me to find out how I was doing.


Spare me the (one/two) insincere, thinly disguised (pre)texts of asking me out. A "How are you doing?" would have sufficed. Did it take all those years to NOT know me? Why would that long familiarity stop you from being direct to the point?


It's great that you have switched camp to the obvious victimised party, which I do not mind at all. It's great that you can extend that wonderful, caring and empathising side of your natures to him. It's great that you are caring people who've opened your arms to an ex-extension of myself. 


But, I never asked for a cheerleading squad. All I needed was to hear your concern. Instead, all the "How are you?s" went to him. And for me? 

SILENCE.

I do not begrudge him the attention, really I don't. I am not angry or vengeful or feel that I should be sided because of you being MY friends.


I am just hurt, disappointed and sad.


I used to be called lucky for having true, good friends that I needed both hands to count them. Now? Just a peace sign is enough. 


Consider me the unluckiest person right now. Oh, yes, it's the karma, the retribution, the consequences and the sentence. Whatever. 


I can take having 2 phones not functioning, my laptop motherboard dying, losing a loaned phone, my Sim card and all contacts, having an old uncle on a bike ram into my car on the left, have my front tires stolen, an old aunty in a Kembara ram into my car on the right, have RM50 missing from my bank, have 2 days unpaid work because of a 'fluke' in red tape, get my car clamped and being charged RM50 to unlock, have a taxi driver overcharge me for going to KL, all within a month, without even getting a salary yet.


But I can't stomach friends taking sides.


I haven't lost faith at all, in God, in joy or in the ideology of friendship. I've just lost some friends. Actually... a LOT of 'friends'.


It's true, what they say, friendships, no matter how close, old, fun, functional or great, have their expiry dates.


In a way, it's ironic how I'm starting from an empty Sim card.


Disclaimer: To you who's reading this, make fun, pull apart my words and thoughts, I don't care. I am not blaming anyone for this. I take full responsibility for whatever negative situations/emotions I am going/will go through now and the future. I am changing, and change I shall. Oh yes, for the better. 


I am just expressing my disappointment and hurt. You can vent. Why can't I?