Life in Solitude

Every morning, I wake up, with the light filtering through the white curtains. First thing, check my phone to see if I can squeeze in a few more minutes of sleep. Sometimes I snooze, sometimes I wake up before my alarm rings, sometimes I just open my eyes like I just blinked and stare at the ceiling and my surroundings. 
Still boxed up items, still empty, still echoes, still a lazy turning fan, as I make my way to the bathroom. Think to myself, that I've gotta rotate the usage of upstairs and down, so both don't have that unused, dank smell. Scrub the sleep out of my eyes, the muck of snatched precious hours from last night's fatigue and cold water to shock me into reality of the day.
Sift through that plastic bag of clothes for something to wear, collect my things from around the house, close the windows, switch on a few lights, lock a door here, and then face the world again.
It's very different from 15 minutes ago. It's brighter now, the sounds of cars are getting louder and more frequent. I step outside, see the garden for what it used to be, see the gaps where the railway slippers and bench used to lie, check on the fish, and see that dryness of the tiles and the dullness of an empty driveway. Click. Open gate, unlock car, get in, start engine, drive off from this alien, yet ever so familiar house.
I drive, and start taking out change for my toll, the amount everyday never changes, the route always the same, the traffic not-so-predictable, and the stretch of the same highways and curves drone on, as does my mind.
Go to work, punch in, open my locker 22 right in the back of the room, change into my uniform and shut off all emotions and phone ringers.
Switch on Hard work, Long hours, rushrushrush, pushpushpush, strongman's brew, laugh like I've never heard anything funnier, smile like my life isn't falling apart, then the smiles fade, as I say my goodbyes. Hit the car, close the door, switch on my old life, stare out ahead stony-eyed.
Come back, it's still empty, check the road for lingerers, robbers and anyone else who could be keeping a bad intention in their pockets. Open the door, lock it fast, walk in the gate, close it faster, look all around, then sigh a little as I head to the front door. Still air, no one there, lights and place like I left it this morning, felt like ages before.
Go through old pictures, places, memories and smells, how do you untangle yourself from a person you've not been away from for the past 6 years. Every sentence holds his name, every funny memory is with him, every experience and story I tell, I stutter his name, as it quietly hits me, that we are no longer.
Tears start again, every day I try, a little less, sometimes more, sometimes all the time every time no time yet still time. He tells me to move on, he's been through this phase before. But he doesn't know, no matter if I've stopped crying or hassling him, I with a quiet deepset KNOW that he's the only one. THE one.
Any sound from outside, gives me a hope, that it's him, walking through that front door. That he's going to come in, give me a great big hug, and we'll make sweet love, just like before.
I know so much about him, and him about me. Every single part of him comes flashing back to me, every hour of every day. There's not a single day that goes without a thought of him. How his hand eclipses mine. How his adorable fuzzy knees melt my heart. How he likes stealing little kisses at night before we go to sleep.
I wish, I could hug him like before, as we both slept. I can still feel him, how he feels like, when I hug him, and intertwine my legs with his, the smell of his hair, the exact angle of his curls, his adorable penguin eyes and paintbrush eyebrows, "Someone's RIPE"-smell, FES, FNS, BBS, to the mole on his chest, to the curve of his back, right down to the hair on his toes and the shape of his toenails.
Ah, I would give anything for that all. In fact, I've given a lot, but he's not even around to see anything. You can give the world and get nothing in return. But I'm still giving it up. Because, I am at a point in life, where I've got nothing left to lose.


to be continued.............