Yup. He's gone.

Every time I start up my lappie, I see a brown love fast asleep, blissfully innocent and adorable with all the promise shining from her lovely coat and colours.


And every time, this phrase from IanPenguin starts, "You had everything. A beautiful house, Tinky and me, and you threw it all away."


I wanted so badly to text and tell him, how badly I miss them. How badly I miss trying to cuddle with him, with Tinky trying so hard to cuddle in between us, making her snorting sounds now and then.


I believe, she doesn't miss me. She's just caught up with having people around, and I'm just down the road, in an empty house, staring at her static picture.


I believe, he doesn't miss me. Even our first photograph together has probably been obliterated into mush already, floating somewhere out there in the universe of garbage.


It took a lot out of me to say, "I'll see you in a year's time. If you've moved on, I understand."


It's surprising what silence can say.


It's telling me, that it's already gone.

I really don't know what to do.


I'm in shock. Well deserved, major padan muka consequences of my stupid, stupid actions.


I can never do anything to have that cuddly moment where time stood still, and all we had was the beautiful warmth and togetherness of us, ever again.

I can't even begin to say how I feel

Every time you walk out that door
The pain hits me thousandfold
Like I did it to you so many times before
Can I be honest and say I'm sorry
I really am, and I miss you terribly


We both find ways to hurt each other
A vicious cycle, over and over
And all at once, there's this sad love emotion
That's just fading away, day by day


Messages get shorter
The silences get longer
Light up another
Open a bottle


I want to go back to that night
When we watched The Brothers Bloom
I saw you at the sink, bathed in yellow light
And at that time, I just knew
It was you, will be you, wish it's you
Can't it be you?


This isn't my drama of insecurity
Unless it speeds up your healing
It's just me being honest
Trying to tell you how I'm feeling


Words can never express how sorry I am
How bad I feel, and how I deserve this
How you don't deserve me
Too many heartbreaks and tears

I've so many unsaid words, that I cried out once you walked out the door
So many text messages, I wrote, rewrote, saved and didn't send at all


I deserve this. I know. I know it so well now.
It just kills me inside, that's all.


I'm speechless. With too much to say, too much to feel, that my thoughts are all over the place. No one knows this, no one bothered, no one is here. I deserve this......

The Meaning of Friendship

I've swallowed many bitter pills before, but this time around, it is by far the hardest one to swallow. Yes, the loneliness I'm experiencing right now, is due to all my mean, careless, thoughtless and selfish fuck-ups. But that's just me and him. It does not have to involve my 'friends' and the extensions of themselves. 

True friends will not agree with everything you say. They just make sure they're there to hear you say it.

And this time around? Those people whom I've always considered my closest and oldest friends, despite the distance and long gaps in between conversations and catch-ups, did not, at any time, call or text me to find out how I was doing.


Spare me the (one/two) insincere, thinly disguised (pre)texts of asking me out. A "How are you doing?" would have sufficed. Did it take all those years to NOT know me? Why would that long familiarity stop you from being direct to the point?


It's great that you have switched camp to the obvious victimised party, which I do not mind at all. It's great that you can extend that wonderful, caring and empathising side of your natures to him. It's great that you are caring people who've opened your arms to an ex-extension of myself. 


But, I never asked for a cheerleading squad. All I needed was to hear your concern. Instead, all the "How are you?s" went to him. And for me? 

SILENCE.

I do not begrudge him the attention, really I don't. I am not angry or vengeful or feel that I should be sided because of you being MY friends.


I am just hurt, disappointed and sad.


I used to be called lucky for having true, good friends that I needed both hands to count them. Now? Just a peace sign is enough. 


Consider me the unluckiest person right now. Oh, yes, it's the karma, the retribution, the consequences and the sentence. Whatever. 


I can take having 2 phones not functioning, my laptop motherboard dying, losing a loaned phone, my Sim card and all contacts, having an old uncle on a bike ram into my car on the left, have my front tires stolen, an old aunty in a Kembara ram into my car on the right, have RM50 missing from my bank, have 2 days unpaid work because of a 'fluke' in red tape, get my car clamped and being charged RM50 to unlock, have a taxi driver overcharge me for going to KL, all within a month, without even getting a salary yet.


But I can't stomach friends taking sides.


I haven't lost faith at all, in God, in joy or in the ideology of friendship. I've just lost some friends. Actually... a LOT of 'friends'.


It's true, what they say, friendships, no matter how close, old, fun, functional or great, have their expiry dates.


In a way, it's ironic how I'm starting from an empty Sim card.


Disclaimer: To you who's reading this, make fun, pull apart my words and thoughts, I don't care. I am not blaming anyone for this. I take full responsibility for whatever negative situations/emotions I am going/will go through now and the future. I am changing, and change I shall. Oh yes, for the better. 


I am just expressing my disappointment and hurt. You can vent. Why can't I?

Confusion in Clarity

Just had a short and full-to-the-brim conversation with him. And yes, I am a horrible person.


I portray myself and assume the world sees me, as a happy-go-lucky, partying, always laughing person.


Honestly, *deep breath* I am happy-go-lucky because even my own thoughts scare me at times.


I party a lot, because that is the one time I can stop thinking about life and how shitty I am at it.


I laugh a lot because if I were to reveal how I really feel inside and act out how I feel, I wouldn't be able to function at all.


And I externalise those sad feelings by pushing away those who really know how I feel.


Sick. Demented. Depressed.


Au contraire, I do not enjoy being depressed. Who does? And I really feel sick to my stomach, knowing that he "can't stomach all this" in me.


Is it a new beginning or the final end to it all? Step up, change, and live the life I've set for myself. The path created with all my mistakes, carelessness and cruelty.


Fair is it not?


Shit. The only thing that keeps me going now is work. After and before is just numbing empty echoing walls of silence..........

Work work work...

Working day in day out, with no time to spend with anyone even myself... and of course, the recent few months have been a rollercoaster from my peak to that long dipping, stomach-hauling feeling, which I am still experiencing now...


Super malang days leading on to super lonely and quiet nights.. well, this is what I asked for and got, through my actions and my words... I shall write more about this one day. I am the most vague, when I am experiencing something. Only when I have gone through and achieved catharsis, then only will I fully expound the whole issue.


Well, cheers to solo nights ahead people. If I can't face nights by myself, how can I go through life, when the constant companion is only me, myself and I?