Daily Epidoses: Not-so-daily doses of life. Bite-sized! (most of the time) :)
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Our song
So ironic.. I heard this today.. it's a sign, I hope... brings back so many memories.. especially of the truths we spoke even though we were still young and reckless...
Monday, June 27, 2011
Je'taime
Few years back, marriage seemed like an imposing idea of socialistic cultural norms.
Nowadays, I really enjoy the idea. Because when you lose the one you really love, then only do you realise how sad life looks without him/her.
Ah, well. Change comes too late.
Nowadays, I really enjoy the idea. Because when you lose the one you really love, then only do you realise how sad life looks without him/her.
Ah, well. Change comes too late.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Life in Solitude
Every morning, I wake up, with the light filtering through the white curtains. First thing, check my phone to see if I can squeeze in a few more minutes of sleep. Sometimes I snooze, sometimes I wake up before my alarm rings, sometimes I just open my eyes like I just blinked and stare at the ceiling and my surroundings.
Still boxed up items, still empty, still echoes, still a lazy turning fan, as I make my way to the bathroom. Think to myself, that I've gotta rotate the usage of upstairs and down, so both don't have that unused, dank smell. Scrub the sleep out of my eyes, the muck of snatched precious hours from last night's fatigue and cold water to shock me into reality of the day.
Sift through that plastic bag of clothes for something to wear, collect my things from around the house, close the windows, switch on a few lights, lock a door here, and then face the world again.
It's very different from 15 minutes ago. It's brighter now, the sounds of cars are getting louder and more frequent. I step outside, see the garden for what it used to be, see the gaps where the railway slippers and bench used to lie, check on the fish, and see that dryness of the tiles and the dullness of an empty driveway. Click. Open gate, unlock car, get in, start engine, drive off from this alien, yet ever so familiar house.
I drive, and start taking out change for my toll, the amount everyday never changes, the route always the same, the traffic not-so-predictable, and the stretch of the same highways and curves drone on, as does my mind.
Go to work, punch in, open my locker 22 right in the back of the room, change into my uniform and shut off all emotions and phone ringers.
Switch on Hard work, Long hours, rushrushrush, pushpushpush, strongman's brew, laugh like I've never heard anything funnier, smile like my life isn't falling apart, then the smiles fade, as I say my goodbyes. Hit the car, close the door, switch on my old life, stare out ahead stony-eyed.
Come back, it's still empty, check the road for lingerers, robbers and anyone else who could be keeping a bad intention in their pockets. Open the door, lock it fast, walk in the gate, close it faster, look all around, then sigh a little as I head to the front door. Still air, no one there, lights and place like I left it this morning, felt like ages before.
Go through old pictures, places, memories and smells, how do you untangle yourself from a person you've not been away from for the past 6 years. Every sentence holds his name, every funny memory is with him, every experience and story I tell, I stutter his name, as it quietly hits me, that we are no longer.
Tears start again, every day I try, a little less, sometimes more, sometimes all the time every time no time yet still time. He tells me to move on, he's been through this phase before. But he doesn't know, no matter if I've stopped crying or hassling him, I with a quiet deepset KNOW that he's the only one. THE one.
Any sound from outside, gives me a hope, that it's him, walking through that front door. That he's going to come in, give me a great big hug, and we'll make sweet love, just like before.
I know so much about him, and him about me. Every single part of him comes flashing back to me, every hour of every day. There's not a single day that goes without a thought of him. How his hand eclipses mine. How his adorable fuzzy knees melt my heart. How he likes stealing little kisses at night before we go to sleep.
I wish, I could hug him like before, as we both slept. I can still feel him, how he feels like, when I hug him, and intertwine my legs with his, the smell of his hair, the exact angle of his curls, his adorable penguin eyes and paintbrush eyebrows, "Someone's RIPE"-smell, FES, FNS, BBS, to the mole on his chest, to the curve of his back, right down to the hair on his toes and the shape of his toenails.
Ah, I would give anything for that all. In fact, I've given a lot, but he's not even around to see anything. You can give the world and get nothing in return. But I'm still giving it up. Because, I am at a point in life, where I've got nothing left to lose.
to be continued.............
Still boxed up items, still empty, still echoes, still a lazy turning fan, as I make my way to the bathroom. Think to myself, that I've gotta rotate the usage of upstairs and down, so both don't have that unused, dank smell. Scrub the sleep out of my eyes, the muck of snatched precious hours from last night's fatigue and cold water to shock me into reality of the day.
Sift through that plastic bag of clothes for something to wear, collect my things from around the house, close the windows, switch on a few lights, lock a door here, and then face the world again.
It's very different from 15 minutes ago. It's brighter now, the sounds of cars are getting louder and more frequent. I step outside, see the garden for what it used to be, see the gaps where the railway slippers and bench used to lie, check on the fish, and see that dryness of the tiles and the dullness of an empty driveway. Click. Open gate, unlock car, get in, start engine, drive off from this alien, yet ever so familiar house.
I drive, and start taking out change for my toll, the amount everyday never changes, the route always the same, the traffic not-so-predictable, and the stretch of the same highways and curves drone on, as does my mind.
Go to work, punch in, open my locker 22 right in the back of the room, change into my uniform and shut off all emotions and phone ringers.
Switch on Hard work, Long hours, rushrushrush, pushpushpush, strongman's brew, laugh like I've never heard anything funnier, smile like my life isn't falling apart, then the smiles fade, as I say my goodbyes. Hit the car, close the door, switch on my old life, stare out ahead stony-eyed.
Come back, it's still empty, check the road for lingerers, robbers and anyone else who could be keeping a bad intention in their pockets. Open the door, lock it fast, walk in the gate, close it faster, look all around, then sigh a little as I head to the front door. Still air, no one there, lights and place like I left it this morning, felt like ages before.
Go through old pictures, places, memories and smells, how do you untangle yourself from a person you've not been away from for the past 6 years. Every sentence holds his name, every funny memory is with him, every experience and story I tell, I stutter his name, as it quietly hits me, that we are no longer.
Tears start again, every day I try, a little less, sometimes more, sometimes all the time every time no time yet still time. He tells me to move on, he's been through this phase before. But he doesn't know, no matter if I've stopped crying or hassling him, I with a quiet deepset KNOW that he's the only one. THE one.
Any sound from outside, gives me a hope, that it's him, walking through that front door. That he's going to come in, give me a great big hug, and we'll make sweet love, just like before.
I know so much about him, and him about me. Every single part of him comes flashing back to me, every hour of every day. There's not a single day that goes without a thought of him. How his hand eclipses mine. How his adorable fuzzy knees melt my heart. How he likes stealing little kisses at night before we go to sleep.
I wish, I could hug him like before, as we both slept. I can still feel him, how he feels like, when I hug him, and intertwine my legs with his, the smell of his hair, the exact angle of his curls, his adorable penguin eyes and paintbrush eyebrows, "Someone's RIPE"-smell, FES, FNS, BBS, to the mole on his chest, to the curve of his back, right down to the hair on his toes and the shape of his toenails.
Ah, I would give anything for that all. In fact, I've given a lot, but he's not even around to see anything. You can give the world and get nothing in return. But I'm still giving it up. Because, I am at a point in life, where I've got nothing left to lose.
to be continued.............
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Free Falling
My life is in free fall. I unhooked myself and bungee-jumped off a cliff.
Now, I don't see where I'm going to land, feels like forever to reach the ground, what happens when I hit ground zero, meanwhile, there's nothing that I can see or know but just myself and my life, I don't even know what's going on in his life, and all I want is him to hold me, instead of me falling, burning and crashing.
Letters to Cleo - I want you to want me, I need you to need me, I'd love you to love me, I'm begging you to beg me...
Anytime you want to come back, my arms, our home, my heart is always open.
I can't imagine if you don't.
Let's start fresh. Back to basics.
Now, I don't see where I'm going to land, feels like forever to reach the ground, what happens when I hit ground zero, meanwhile, there's nothing that I can see or know but just myself and my life, I don't even know what's going on in his life, and all I want is him to hold me, instead of me falling, burning and crashing.
Letters to Cleo - I want you to want me, I need you to need me, I'd love you to love me, I'm begging you to beg me...
Anytime you want to come back, my arms, our home, my heart is always open.
I can't imagine if you don't.
Let's start fresh. Back to basics.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Long Days And Longer Nights
I don't know how much more I can take.
I'm really scared nowadays, when there are so many weird people staring in the house, even in the daytime, and cars slowing down to have a look, late at night, people fighting and drinking outside, the same few bikes going too many times around the block.
It gets too quiet, that every sound makes me jump.
Even the wind howls around the houses, making doors and windows creak and slam.
I wish Tinky was here, I'd feel much safer. Of course, it goes without saying, I wish HE was here even more than anything in the whole world. Loneliness can be the worst killer, worse than anything else, and especially since I'm the catalyst to this whole situation, it's my Judas-face I see in the lonely mirror everyday.
But, for his sake, I have to let go.
I will not call him. He doesn't want to see me ever again.
He really hates me. I can't believe I actually made him hate me. I hate myself too.
We still have to meet, to get this business of the house done and over with. After that, freedom and peace of mind for him.
What do I get? I don't friggin care. Not anymore.
I'm really scared nowadays, when there are so many weird people staring in the house, even in the daytime, and cars slowing down to have a look, late at night, people fighting and drinking outside, the same few bikes going too many times around the block.
It gets too quiet, that every sound makes me jump.
Even the wind howls around the houses, making doors and windows creak and slam.
I wish Tinky was here, I'd feel much safer. Of course, it goes without saying, I wish HE was here even more than anything in the whole world. Loneliness can be the worst killer, worse than anything else, and especially since I'm the catalyst to this whole situation, it's my Judas-face I see in the lonely mirror everyday.
But, for his sake, I have to let go.
I will not call him. He doesn't want to see me ever again.
He really hates me. I can't believe I actually made him hate me. I hate myself too.
We still have to meet, to get this business of the house done and over with. After that, freedom and peace of mind for him.
What do I get? I don't friggin care. Not anymore.
My Mistakes
We were perfect
No one could achieve what we did
How we did it
Was everyone's subject
One day, I forgot
The vows we gave
In short
I left you in a grave
And now we're in court
High jury
I plead guilty
It was all about me
He's just another victim
My mistakes are haunting me
Shallow decisions
I was never free
I ran away
Thought you'd be the same
I did a second take
Now you're my mistake
You gave your all
You made me your world
I just breezed through it
Didn't see that it
Meant so much to you
When I said I do
I can't go on
No matter what I say
You're too far gone
Now I'm the one to stay
In our once-perfect home
The smell of you all around
No one could achieve what we did
How we did it
Was everyone's subject
One day, I forgot
The vows we gave
In short
I left you in a grave
And now we're in court
High jury
I plead guilty
It was all about me
He's just another victim
My mistakes are haunting me
Shallow decisions
I was never free
I ran away
Thought you'd be the same
I did a second take
Now you're my mistake
You gave your all
You made me your world
I just breezed through it
Didn't see that it
Meant so much to you
When I said I do
I can't go on
No matter what I say
You're too far gone
Now I'm the one to stay
In our once-perfect home
The smell of you all around
My mistakes are haunting me
Shallow decisions
I was never free
I ran away
Thought you'd be the same
I'm doing three thousand takes
To take back my mistakes
My mistakes are haunting me
Shallow decisions
I was never free
I ran away
Thought you'd be the same
I'm doing a million more takes
Now you're my mistake
I'm already changed
People make mistakes
So won't you take me back?
Let's not make more mistakes...
=====================================
Some lame crappy emo lyrics. I'm going to put a tune to it soon.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Mini Lessons To Learn/Learning/Learnt
See WHY, not See WHAT
Always see WHY the other person does the things he/she does and not see it as a WHAT he/she does.
eg. How IanPenguinMan (IPMan for short) was so OCD about the house.
WHY? He wanted us to have a lovely, clean house together(besides being slightly OCD) :)
WHAT? We would fight over the fact that he thought I was too messy, didn't care a bit about the house and that he had to clean up after me all the time despite working long hours. I thought that he was nitpicking about his obsession and couldn't see how tired and no mood I was, and was being inconsiderate.
Look for the best in each other, which is better than no one to look at at all
It's so easy to fall into that taking-each-other-for-granted, when life gets you down, and all you can think about are the days ahead, quarreling about expenses and house chores, trust me, all those are even LESS fun, when you have no one to quarrel with it about. And, you have to do those ALL on your OWN.
We should always look for the best in each other, and tell each other everyday, something about the other person, that we love. Start the day with a sleepy kiss, and then before either person leaves, tell them what they love about each other.
eg. IPMan used to tell me when he was up at those wee hours when I left, to "kill them with your cooking skills". I miss that.
Small Gestures May Slip By, But They Make Huge Differences To The Person Receiving Them
DUH. I know, I'm so late on this one. But hey, I just wanted to write about these little things that make so much difference.
eg. IPMan used to put frangipani flowers on my car windscreen before going to sleep. Me being sleepy me, would only realise once I'd hit the road and then, a huge smile would break out on my face in the traffic jam. He said, he'd do that after he died as well, just to let me know he's there. Well, I'm not going to get anymore of those. I wanted to do that to his car recently, but, there are no flowers so far, and this also brings me to the next point...
To love a person truly, deeply and madly and forever, you have to let them go. Which is, when they want to go, when you are suffocating them even if they don't want to go, and when they really, truly want to GO.
I am *breath* at the most honest, TRYING *breath* to let *Breath* Ian *breath* go.
I know, my incessant calls and messages are just suffocating him, and I'm making a nuisance of myself. Who wants an ugly evil ex penetrating their daily life, when they're having so much fun on their own, tasting the sweet air of independence, worry-less air of the freedom of being single and extremely available and wanted on top of that?
I shall stop. Stop bugging him. This is so not me. I've never bugged someone before, especially not an ex. BUT, this time, for real, I have and I will cease.
And, just now, when I saw TinkyWinky, she'd lost so much weight.
Coincidental.... he, her and me - all noticeably lost weight. A family that's meant to be together, when torn apart, the sadness shows. It's all my fault. And so, I do as much as I can, to make their transition into a free, painless life without me, by letting them both go. I am changing, changed and still changing to become a better and stronger person.
But my heart? Still the same. Cheers *glass of milk* to life alone, ahead and hopefully, less painful than now.
As pink as SirErnieBernie, my only companion, is pink, I will always be here.
Because, deep down, he is my soulmate. I may not be his, but he is mine.
Goodbye dearest. *Flying kisses*
That evil, cruel, mean monster of an ex. *Rarrghhhauughhhharwghhhahh*
That evil, cruel, mean monster of an ex. *Rarrghhhauughhhharwghhhahh*
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Unpublished FB Status #20174
: And underneath that crusty, ugly and hard shell, was a soft, gentle, pulsing mass that lovingly cradled a beautiful, unique, shining, luminescent and precious pearl.
That oyster is me. And the pearl is you @Ian Dias.
My Heart is Going Away
My heart is going away.
On some exotic trip to the city of Bang-bang-Kok.
When he goes, it won't only be me who's missing him, I bet.
Mysterygirl, cherish him, for he's like no other.
On some exotic trip to the city of Bang-bang-Kok.
When he goes, it won't only be me who's missing him, I bet.
Mysterygirl, cherish him, for he's like no other.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Remeniscing.
That time he was so disturbed and saddened by his breakup with her, he drove around the dimly lighted streets of USJ, that being his time of contemplation and calm, I messaged him and told him, that whenever he's sad or down, I want to be there for him. That will never change.
How I held his hand, when he was holding the gear stick of a little courting-machine SLK, and knew that that was it. So many times from last year we sat in a car together, I was praying that he would reach out and hold mine, like I did the first time. But instead, he was more concerned about the traffic and signboards. This has changed.
How we sat outside of Rainforest, in those lights, noise and people, he asked me to be his girlfriend. In less than a heartbeat, I would go there again, and have me be the one asking him now.
How he wants me to propose to him, I would reenact that, on a pimped up BMX which I learn how to ride, I would propose to him, and put a ring on his finger.
How we fight crazily, bite and love-wrestle each other. How we stalked each other in the house, how we would spy on each other, despite knowing everything about each other.
How I would make him food, while he played his car games, and be up so fast, with his fave food to calm his troubled penguin tummy. I hope he never forgets that.
How he'd put my face towel over his head, pretending it was a helmet and claiming it would make him drive better in his PS races. How I'd be co-pilot and his lucky charm for winning races.
How I'd hold his hand, and kiss his nose sticking out from the blankets, while he acted cute or fell asleep watching movies.
How we have this ritual of kissing the forehead, left cheek, right cheek, chin, NOSE.....!, and then a lovely ending of a long lingering kiss on the lips.
How any hair or eyelashes of his that drops on to me, I'd put back on my head, so that it would not be lonely.
How we used to say "See you in Piggyland, under the cherry tree" before we fell asleep, because we couldn't stand being away from each other, even during sleep. I say that to myself every night, but Piggyland is empty now.
How we'd joke and laugh and write each other little secret notes during work in Edexcel, just to keep our days going, and save each other from stress. I have some of them left.
How we'd just walk around, carefree, but having that wonderful warmth holding each others' hands, like we were high as helium, but that was our anchor that we made.
How we started that one night burger shop, which ended up into a fluke-BBQ and just good memories and laughs about it. Hope he remembers it still.
How we'd shift and turn, and try to fall asleep in each others' arms, yet become so hot, that we'd end up in weird yoga positions, and I'd reach out every now and then, to make sure that he wasn't cold, because he would never wake up to cover himself, and just shiver and have a fitful sleep. Whenever those fuzzy penguin legs were cold, I'd get up, and cover him with a blanket, and all he'd do is give out mini-sighs and squeaks and then settle comfortably in the warmth.
There's more to come. I'm writing all this, so that it will never fade. Those memories are ever-so-precious. This is me documenting this, so that one day, he might know, that no matter what mistakes I did, the huge amount of things I did throughout the 6 years was nothing but love.
I know, he will never come back to me. This is my healing I guess.
*shrugs* my last texts were unemotional and direct to the point. I don't want to torture him any longer with my pleas and begging. I think it makes him really uncomfortable and angry and it irritates him. So I write these unsent letters to him, on the wall, in my blog, just so I can let it out. He will never see or appreciate these, because they are just meaningless words to him, I believe. I know also, for his recent sudden definite change of heart. There is someone. *sigh*
I have asked for my DVDs, books and other things from him. Only one thing remains with him, which I know he thought that he doesn't and doesn't know he has still...
My heart.
Maybe, in time, when I walk past to see Tinky, I might see my heart lying outside on the ground, where he finds it and throws it out with the trash and dry leaves.......
How I held his hand, when he was holding the gear stick of a little courting-machine SLK, and knew that that was it. So many times from last year we sat in a car together, I was praying that he would reach out and hold mine, like I did the first time. But instead, he was more concerned about the traffic and signboards. This has changed.
How we sat outside of Rainforest, in those lights, noise and people, he asked me to be his girlfriend. In less than a heartbeat, I would go there again, and have me be the one asking him now.
How he wants me to propose to him, I would reenact that, on a pimped up BMX which I learn how to ride, I would propose to him, and put a ring on his finger.
How we fight crazily, bite and love-wrestle each other. How we stalked each other in the house, how we would spy on each other, despite knowing everything about each other.
How I would make him food, while he played his car games, and be up so fast, with his fave food to calm his troubled penguin tummy. I hope he never forgets that.
How he'd put my face towel over his head, pretending it was a helmet and claiming it would make him drive better in his PS races. How I'd be co-pilot and his lucky charm for winning races.
How I'd hold his hand, and kiss his nose sticking out from the blankets, while he acted cute or fell asleep watching movies.
How we have this ritual of kissing the forehead, left cheek, right cheek, chin, NOSE.....!, and then a lovely ending of a long lingering kiss on the lips.
How any hair or eyelashes of his that drops on to me, I'd put back on my head, so that it would not be lonely.
How we used to say "See you in Piggyland, under the cherry tree" before we fell asleep, because we couldn't stand being away from each other, even during sleep. I say that to myself every night, but Piggyland is empty now.
How we'd joke and laugh and write each other little secret notes during work in Edexcel, just to keep our days going, and save each other from stress. I have some of them left.
How we'd just walk around, carefree, but having that wonderful warmth holding each others' hands, like we were high as helium, but that was our anchor that we made.
How we started that one night burger shop, which ended up into a fluke-BBQ and just good memories and laughs about it. Hope he remembers it still.
How we'd shift and turn, and try to fall asleep in each others' arms, yet become so hot, that we'd end up in weird yoga positions, and I'd reach out every now and then, to make sure that he wasn't cold, because he would never wake up to cover himself, and just shiver and have a fitful sleep. Whenever those fuzzy penguin legs were cold, I'd get up, and cover him with a blanket, and all he'd do is give out mini-sighs and squeaks and then settle comfortably in the warmth.
There's more to come. I'm writing all this, so that it will never fade. Those memories are ever-so-precious. This is me documenting this, so that one day, he might know, that no matter what mistakes I did, the huge amount of things I did throughout the 6 years was nothing but love.
I know, he will never come back to me. This is my healing I guess.
*shrugs* my last texts were unemotional and direct to the point. I don't want to torture him any longer with my pleas and begging. I think it makes him really uncomfortable and angry and it irritates him. So I write these unsent letters to him, on the wall, in my blog, just so I can let it out. He will never see or appreciate these, because they are just meaningless words to him, I believe. I know also, for his recent sudden definite change of heart. There is someone. *sigh*
I have asked for my DVDs, books and other things from him. Only one thing remains with him, which I know he thought that he doesn't and doesn't know he has still...
My heart.
Maybe, in time, when I walk past to see Tinky, I might see my heart lying outside on the ground, where he finds it and throws it out with the trash and dry leaves.......
Monday, June 13, 2011
Yesterday
Yesterday for the first time in my life, I actually obsessively called for I think nearly 30 times in a row and sent several texts. No answer, no reply.
Looks like I've been given the official brush off.
So much for this text dated, 4 June 2011
"That would be great.i admire that,would love to be around you during that process.I hope you are serious on what you have said."
5 June 2011
"Sorry for the late reply.yeah ill spend time with you. ...."
7 June 2011
"Ok...sleep tight then...will see you soon to catch up alright...nite nite..."
Just TELL ME if you don't want to see me EVER again okay??????
Am I going crazy? Acting crazy? I made you into that. I made me into this.
I can just see history repeating itself. How you had problems with your ex, and you asked for my number at the bar that you worked at. Few days later, when you actually extorted it out of a mutual acquaintance, you call me up, take me out to mamak, spill your heart out about your emo-troubles with your current girlfriend, and boom, four days later, you're sleeping with me and a week later, you break up your 5 year relationship, and start with me.
Which girl is it now, who's taken your fancy at some happening Subang mamak now?
Don't just say it's all guys, and then keep your phone glued to your hand, even when it slips down the pillow, you can be fast asleep one minute, when I get up to bathe, you actually barrel your way upstairs, demanding where your handphone is, when actually it was there all the time. So Goddamn sneaky!!! Why are you so concerned where your phone is, when you already put it on lock mode anyways?
Before you moved out, you would switch it off at night, and wait for me to leave the house, then you would switch it on. So friggin SNEAKY!!!!
Go fuck Vivien Lim, Melissa May, Ira, and whichever random girl you pick up at the club who loves gyrating herself against your crotch and tell yourself that she's the next one on your list, when you can actually preach to me about how "wild" "partygirl" I am, and not wanting to settle down, when you're going out to places getting girls who're equally or even worse than I am.
At least I don't sell myself to some sugar daddy so I can fund my expensive bag and clothes habit just because my real daddy is some minister who claims to be holy-moly, but has recently fallen out of public favour, and despite my family connections, I still am studying despite my age, and still bumming around, changing courses. Put me up on that pedestal, because I'm a friggin' goddess to you, that you will never admit to anyone about. I'm your emo-partner in crime. Your best friend, who's so refined, that you never had feelings for, but yet you know what my lady parts smell like. WOW.
Go on so many dinner dates and send random text messages to a girl who already has a boyfriend for so many years, telling her how you're getting excited, and then ter-press Send button, coz she said she's going to have a shower,and you can imagine that. And then come and preach to other people, about how a third party tore your relationship apart. How about this one girl??? And her boyfriend, who's a cousin of your so-called good friend who just laughed when I said that you and me broke up.
OH, I know that this is NOTHING compared to what I did. Coz you did it ALL AFTER we broke up. Yeayeayea. Have the decency to MAN UP and answer the GODDAMNED PHONE!!!
Know why I'm saying all this????/?? Coz I freaking hate you for making me miss you and I still love you.
I'm FUCKING STUPID.
I'm FUCKING NOTHING.
I'm a FUCKING Cheap, easy, alcoholic, drunk, whore. That's according to you.
I don't give a shit about anything anymore.
FUCK THIS. FUCK YOU. FUCK ME. FUCK LIFE. FUCK OFF.
Looks like I've been given the official brush off.
So much for this text dated, 4 June 2011
"That would be great.i admire that,would love to be around you during that process.I hope you are serious on what you have said."
5 June 2011
"Sorry for the late reply.yeah ill spend time with you. ...."
7 June 2011
"Ok...sleep tight then...will see you soon to catch up alright...nite nite..."
Just TELL ME if you don't want to see me EVER again okay??????
Am I going crazy? Acting crazy? I made you into that. I made me into this.
I can just see history repeating itself. How you had problems with your ex, and you asked for my number at the bar that you worked at. Few days later, when you actually extorted it out of a mutual acquaintance, you call me up, take me out to mamak, spill your heart out about your emo-troubles with your current girlfriend, and boom, four days later, you're sleeping with me and a week later, you break up your 5 year relationship, and start with me.
Which girl is it now, who's taken your fancy at some happening Subang mamak now?
Don't just say it's all guys, and then keep your phone glued to your hand, even when it slips down the pillow, you can be fast asleep one minute, when I get up to bathe, you actually barrel your way upstairs, demanding where your handphone is, when actually it was there all the time. So Goddamn sneaky!!! Why are you so concerned where your phone is, when you already put it on lock mode anyways?
Before you moved out, you would switch it off at night, and wait for me to leave the house, then you would switch it on. So friggin SNEAKY!!!!
Go fuck Vivien Lim, Melissa May, Ira, and whichever random girl you pick up at the club who loves gyrating herself against your crotch and tell yourself that she's the next one on your list, when you can actually preach to me about how "wild" "partygirl" I am, and not wanting to settle down, when you're going out to places getting girls who're equally or even worse than I am.
At least I don't sell myself to some sugar daddy so I can fund my expensive bag and clothes habit just because my real daddy is some minister who claims to be holy-moly, but has recently fallen out of public favour, and despite my family connections, I still am studying despite my age, and still bumming around, changing courses. Put me up on that pedestal, because I'm a friggin' goddess to you, that you will never admit to anyone about. I'm your emo-partner in crime. Your best friend, who's so refined, that you never had feelings for, but yet you know what my lady parts smell like. WOW.
Go on so many dinner dates and send random text messages to a girl who already has a boyfriend for so many years, telling her how you're getting excited, and then ter-press Send button, coz she said she's going to have a shower,and you can imagine that. And then come and preach to other people, about how a third party tore your relationship apart. How about this one girl??? And her boyfriend, who's a cousin of your so-called good friend who just laughed when I said that you and me broke up.
OH, I know that this is NOTHING compared to what I did. Coz you did it ALL AFTER we broke up. Yeayeayea. Have the decency to MAN UP and answer the GODDAMNED PHONE!!!
Know why I'm saying all this????/?? Coz I freaking hate you for making me miss you and I still love you.
I'm FUCKING STUPID.
I'm FUCKING NOTHING.
I'm a FUCKING Cheap, easy, alcoholic, drunk, whore. That's according to you.
I don't give a shit about anything anymore.
FUCK THIS. FUCK YOU. FUCK ME. FUCK LIFE. FUCK OFF.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
When It Rains, It really Pours..
On Wednesday, I was caught in the rain when going to sign off some documents, and ended up sitting drenched for an hour plus. When I finally got back, I thought all was fine. Thursday, I woke up with a bad sore throat and had the feeling I was going to fall sick. Friday afternoon, everything started to spin and blur around me. The doctor said I had a fever, sore throat and flu.
And I was alone in my station for dinner, there's a gash on my left palm that's threatening to heal slowly, with a lot of infections on the way. Ouch.
And during that entire time, I was "on autopilot" as my chef calls it. Shaking hands made things slower and harder to complete.
Sigh. You're already gone. What else matters right?
You're not going to rain on my parade... I tsunami'ed it myself already.
And I was alone in my station for dinner, there's a gash on my left palm that's threatening to heal slowly, with a lot of infections on the way. Ouch.
And during that entire time, I was "on autopilot" as my chef calls it. Shaking hands made things slower and harder to complete.
Sigh. You're already gone. What else matters right?
You're not going to rain on my parade... I tsunami'ed it myself already.
Yup. He's gone.
Every time I start up my lappie, I see a brown love fast asleep, blissfully innocent and adorable with all the promise shining from her lovely coat and colours.
And every time, this phrase from IanPenguin starts, "You had everything. A beautiful house, Tinky and me, and you threw it all away."
I wanted so badly to text and tell him, how badly I miss them. How badly I miss trying to cuddle with him, with Tinky trying so hard to cuddle in between us, making her snorting sounds now and then.
I believe, she doesn't miss me. She's just caught up with having people around, and I'm just down the road, in an empty house, staring at her static picture.
I believe, he doesn't miss me. Even our first photograph together has probably been obliterated into mush already, floating somewhere out there in the universe of garbage.
It took a lot out of me to say, "I'll see you in a year's time. If you've moved on, I understand."
It's surprising what silence can say.
It's telling me, that it's already gone.
I really don't know what to do.
I'm in shock. Well deserved, major padan muka consequences of my stupid, stupid actions.
I can never do anything to have that cuddly moment where time stood still, and all we had was the beautiful warmth and togetherness of us, ever again.
And every time, this phrase from IanPenguin starts, "You had everything. A beautiful house, Tinky and me, and you threw it all away."
I wanted so badly to text and tell him, how badly I miss them. How badly I miss trying to cuddle with him, with Tinky trying so hard to cuddle in between us, making her snorting sounds now and then.
I believe, she doesn't miss me. She's just caught up with having people around, and I'm just down the road, in an empty house, staring at her static picture.
I believe, he doesn't miss me. Even our first photograph together has probably been obliterated into mush already, floating somewhere out there in the universe of garbage.
It took a lot out of me to say, "I'll see you in a year's time. If you've moved on, I understand."
It's surprising what silence can say.
It's telling me, that it's already gone.
I really don't know what to do.
I'm in shock. Well deserved, major padan muka consequences of my stupid, stupid actions.
I can never do anything to have that cuddly moment where time stood still, and all we had was the beautiful warmth and togetherness of us, ever again.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
I can't even begin to say how I feel
Every time you walk out that door
The pain hits me thousandfold
Like I did it to you so many times before
Can I be honest and say I'm sorry
I really am, and I miss you terribly
We both find ways to hurt each other
A vicious cycle, over and over
And all at once, there's this sad love emotion
That's just fading away, day by day
Messages get shorter
The silences get longer
Light up another
Open a bottle
I want to go back to that night
When we watched The Brothers Bloom
I saw you at the sink, bathed in yellow light
And at that time, I just knew
It was you, will be you, wish it's you
Can't it be you?
This isn't my drama of insecurity
Unless it speeds up your healing
It's just me being honest
Trying to tell you how I'm feeling
Words can never express how sorry I am
How bad I feel, and how I deserve this
How you don't deserve me
Too many heartbreaks and tears
I've so many unsaid words, that I cried out once you walked out the door
So many text messages, I wrote, rewrote, saved and didn't send at all
I deserve this. I know. I know it so well now.
It just kills me inside, that's all.
I'm speechless. With too much to say, too much to feel, that my thoughts are all over the place. No one knows this, no one bothered, no one is here. I deserve this......
The pain hits me thousandfold
Like I did it to you so many times before
Can I be honest and say I'm sorry
I really am, and I miss you terribly
We both find ways to hurt each other
A vicious cycle, over and over
And all at once, there's this sad love emotion
That's just fading away, day by day
Messages get shorter
The silences get longer
Light up another
Open a bottle
I want to go back to that night
When we watched The Brothers Bloom
I saw you at the sink, bathed in yellow light
And at that time, I just knew
It was you, will be you, wish it's you
Can't it be you?
This isn't my drama of insecurity
Unless it speeds up your healing
It's just me being honest
Trying to tell you how I'm feeling
Words can never express how sorry I am
How bad I feel, and how I deserve this
How you don't deserve me
Too many heartbreaks and tears
I've so many unsaid words, that I cried out once you walked out the door
So many text messages, I wrote, rewrote, saved and didn't send at all
I deserve this. I know. I know it so well now.
It just kills me inside, that's all.
I'm speechless. With too much to say, too much to feel, that my thoughts are all over the place. No one knows this, no one bothered, no one is here. I deserve this......
The Meaning of Friendship
I've swallowed many bitter pills before, but this time around, it is by far the hardest one to swallow. Yes, the loneliness I'm experiencing right now, is due to all my mean, careless, thoughtless and selfish fuck-ups. But that's just me and him. It does not have to involve my 'friends' and the extensions of themselves.
And this time around? Those people whom I've always considered my closest and oldest friends, despite the distance and long gaps in between conversations and catch-ups, did not, at any time, call or text me to find out how I was doing.
Spare me the (one/two) insincere, thinly disguised (pre)texts of asking me out. A "How are you doing?" would have sufficed. Did it take all those years to NOT know me? Why would that long familiarity stop you from being direct to the point?
It's great that you have switched camp to the obvious victimised party, which I do not mind at all. It's great that you can extend that wonderful, caring and empathising side of your natures to him. It's great that you are caring people who've opened your arms to an ex-extension of myself.
But, I never asked for a cheerleading squad. All I needed was to hear your concern. Instead, all the "How are you?s" went to him. And for me?
I do not begrudge him the attention, really I don't. I am not angry or vengeful or feel that I should be sided because of you being MY friends.
I am just hurt, disappointed and sad.
I used to be called lucky for having true, good friends that I needed both hands to count them. Now? Just a peace sign is enough.
Consider me the unluckiest person right now. Oh, yes, it's the karma, the retribution, the consequences and the sentence. Whatever.
I can take having 2 phones not functioning, my laptop motherboard dying, losing a loaned phone, my Sim card and all contacts, having an old uncle on a bike ram into my car on the left, have my front tires stolen, an old aunty in a Kembara ram into my car on the right, have RM50 missing from my bank, have 2 days unpaid work because of a 'fluke' in red tape, get my car clamped and being charged RM50 to unlock, have a taxi driver overcharge me for going to KL, all within a month, without even getting a salary yet.
But I can't stomach friends taking sides.
I haven't lost faith at all, in God, in joy or in the ideology of friendship. I've just lost some friends. Actually... a LOT of 'friends'.
It's true, what they say, friendships, no matter how close, old, fun, functional or great, have their expiry dates.
In a way, it's ironic how I'm starting from an empty Sim card.
Disclaimer: To you who's reading this, make fun, pull apart my words and thoughts, I don't care. I am not blaming anyone for this. I take full responsibility for whatever negative situations/emotions I am going/will go through now and the future. I am changing, and change I shall. Oh yes, for the better.
I am just expressing my disappointment and hurt. You can vent. Why can't I?
True friends will not agree with everything you say. They just make sure they're there to hear you say it.
And this time around? Those people whom I've always considered my closest and oldest friends, despite the distance and long gaps in between conversations and catch-ups, did not, at any time, call or text me to find out how I was doing.
Spare me the (one/two) insincere, thinly disguised (pre)texts of asking me out. A "How are you doing?" would have sufficed. Did it take all those years to NOT know me? Why would that long familiarity stop you from being direct to the point?
It's great that you have switched camp to the obvious victimised party, which I do not mind at all. It's great that you can extend that wonderful, caring and empathising side of your natures to him. It's great that you are caring people who've opened your arms to an ex-extension of myself.
But, I never asked for a cheerleading squad. All I needed was to hear your concern. Instead, all the "How are you?s" went to him. And for me?
SILENCE.
I do not begrudge him the attention, really I don't. I am not angry or vengeful or feel that I should be sided because of you being MY friends.
I am just hurt, disappointed and sad.
I used to be called lucky for having true, good friends that I needed both hands to count them. Now? Just a peace sign is enough.
Consider me the unluckiest person right now. Oh, yes, it's the karma, the retribution, the consequences and the sentence. Whatever.
I can take having 2 phones not functioning, my laptop motherboard dying, losing a loaned phone, my Sim card and all contacts, having an old uncle on a bike ram into my car on the left, have my front tires stolen, an old aunty in a Kembara ram into my car on the right, have RM50 missing from my bank, have 2 days unpaid work because of a 'fluke' in red tape, get my car clamped and being charged RM50 to unlock, have a taxi driver overcharge me for going to KL, all within a month, without even getting a salary yet.
But I can't stomach friends taking sides.
I haven't lost faith at all, in God, in joy or in the ideology of friendship. I've just lost some friends. Actually... a LOT of 'friends'.
It's true, what they say, friendships, no matter how close, old, fun, functional or great, have their expiry dates.
In a way, it's ironic how I'm starting from an empty Sim card.
Disclaimer: To you who's reading this, make fun, pull apart my words and thoughts, I don't care. I am not blaming anyone for this. I take full responsibility for whatever negative situations/emotions I am going/will go through now and the future. I am changing, and change I shall. Oh yes, for the better.
I am just expressing my disappointment and hurt. You can vent. Why can't I?
Friday, June 3, 2011
Confusion in Clarity
Just had a short and full-to-the-brim conversation with him. And yes, I am a horrible person.
I portray myself and assume the world sees me, as a happy-go-lucky, partying, always laughing person.
Honestly, *deep breath* I am happy-go-lucky because even my own thoughts scare me at times.
I party a lot, because that is the one time I can stop thinking about life and how shitty I am at it.
I laugh a lot because if I were to reveal how I really feel inside and act out how I feel, I wouldn't be able to function at all.
And I externalise those sad feelings by pushing away those who really know how I feel.
Sick. Demented. Depressed.
Au contraire, I do not enjoy being depressed. Who does? And I really feel sick to my stomach, knowing that he "can't stomach all this" in me.
Is it a new beginning or the final end to it all? Step up, change, and live the life I've set for myself. The path created with all my mistakes, carelessness and cruelty.
Fair is it not?
Shit. The only thing that keeps me going now is work. After and before is just numbing empty echoing walls of silence..........
I portray myself and assume the world sees me, as a happy-go-lucky, partying, always laughing person.
Honestly, *deep breath* I am happy-go-lucky because even my own thoughts scare me at times.
I party a lot, because that is the one time I can stop thinking about life and how shitty I am at it.
I laugh a lot because if I were to reveal how I really feel inside and act out how I feel, I wouldn't be able to function at all.
And I externalise those sad feelings by pushing away those who really know how I feel.
Sick. Demented. Depressed.
Au contraire, I do not enjoy being depressed. Who does? And I really feel sick to my stomach, knowing that he "can't stomach all this" in me.
Is it a new beginning or the final end to it all? Step up, change, and live the life I've set for myself. The path created with all my mistakes, carelessness and cruelty.
Fair is it not?
Shit. The only thing that keeps me going now is work. After and before is just numbing empty echoing walls of silence..........
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Work work work...
Working day in day out, with no time to spend with anyone even myself... and of course, the recent few months have been a rollercoaster from my peak to that long dipping, stomach-hauling feeling, which I am still experiencing now...
Super malang days leading on to super lonely and quiet nights.. well, this is what I asked for and got, through my actions and my words... I shall write more about this one day. I am the most vague, when I am experiencing something. Only when I have gone through and achieved catharsis, then only will I fully expound the whole issue.
Well, cheers to solo nights ahead people. If I can't face nights by myself, how can I go through life, when the constant companion is only me, myself and I?
Super malang days leading on to super lonely and quiet nights.. well, this is what I asked for and got, through my actions and my words... I shall write more about this one day. I am the most vague, when I am experiencing something. Only when I have gone through and achieved catharsis, then only will I fully expound the whole issue.
Well, cheers to solo nights ahead people. If I can't face nights by myself, how can I go through life, when the constant companion is only me, myself and I?
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