Still Can't Move On

Ever since I've been away from him, been secluded in my own little bubble, even then, there are people who like me and show it. I tell them straight away, I am a CHUM. Nothing else.


The weird ones, the rich ones, the cute ones, the smart ones, the quirky ones, the poor ones, the ultra-confident ones, the shy ones - have all come. But they can never measure up to HIM.


He has stolen my heart.

Contradictions & Conclusions

Conversations about him and with him have always been about contradictions.


Me taking care of an abandoned kitten, he calls, "taking a kitten hostage".


I love him because he's a wonderful, sweet, funny, eccentric, everything we do makes magic type of person, but yet, he can also be mean, childish, vengeful, unforgiving and relentless.


My bestie said this to me, (the gist of which I gathered), that even though we had a relationship that was so superb, so magical, there was always something fundamentally wrong at the core of it. Minus what I did to him at the end of it, but what was going on all the while when we were together, were so many issues. What I did to him, was the last straw which unraveled everything we ever built together. Nobody should blame him for being angry about it all the time.


I had a huge drinking problem, firstly, which, got worse, because we had a lot of friends who love going out and partying. He was attracted to my outgoing personality at first, but then, it turned into being a trait he didn't want in a long term partner. I make friends easily, and too easily, he would say, especially with his friends and when I forgot my boundaries by becoming close to them, he became uncomfortable with it, yet closed one eye to it. Despite him always being the one who would boost my confidence, he was also the one telling me that I was far from perfect. I also had this underlying depression and constant fear of failure, that I would always present this wild, party animal, strong and arrogant character to the world, because I did not want people to see my flaws. I always talked down to him, whereas he always did things his way without wanting to admit defeat. I always acted like I was right, and so both of us were at loggerheads. I was selfish and never ever considered the consequences to any of my actions, thinking that I could always get away with it, whereas he always thought ahead, being prudent and sometimes, quite Sherlocky in his senses (his "Portuguese hunch" :D ). He was also stubborn and knew how to get what he wanted, by going around the bush, by using all kinds of emotional ways of getting people to do what he wanted them to do, I was more outspoken, and of course offended many people at many times. He was brash but covered it with his brand of unique humour, I was funny but too sharp at times.


Of course, it had its effects. Many effects, in fact, to the point where you'll find us both, sitting in the same room, quiet, the air rife with emotions and thoughts, both of us at a huge loss, in a big painful chasm, looking for something, someone, each other, maybe? So right now, after losing everything and the losing the value in everything, I honestly don't know who I am anymore. I do feel more in control of myself nowadays on a personal note, but I am still working on the rest of me. He said "You need to be fixed" and that, even according to other people, is quite a nasty statement, albeit true. What more if they knew who it was coming from? The person who wanted to spend his life with me - damaged goods. I think, it came out, because he voices his hurt, through hurting words. Yes, I hurt him a lot, even when I wasn't cheating on him. And he has also hurt me, that's why I also retaliated with hurtful words. Same modus operandi, and look where we both ended up.


Even just now, he asked me upfront, "So what happened to your therapy sessions? You're supposed to get fixed." Yes, I know, I may be temperamental and emotional, but it doesn't mean I am "schizophrenic" or "bipolar" as he so casually calls me ever so often.


He is moody, rude, cruel, grumpy, angry, untrusting, insecure, violent even, calculative, OCD, always planning and plotting and yet he can be so gentle, sweet, loving, romantic to a boy band-similarity, impulsive, caring, polite, faithful, responsible, simple, happy go lucky, adorable and little boy-ish and yet always wanting to protect his loved ones. 


I am mean, sarcastic, arrogant, careless, sloppy, lazy, frivolous, forgetful, inconsiderate, gullible and yet I am also capable of being loving, loyal, straightforward, caring, compassionate, empathetic, a good listener and generally want the best for everyone I know.


You know what, World and Mr. Ian Dias? 


That's not being Schizophrenic or Bipolar or in any way mentally unfit.


That's being HUMAN. 


And I still love him for it all.


Whoever's out there, who's reading this right now, we are ALL human, and yet, people love us. So instead of learning to dislike each others' flaws, we should focus on our capabilities of loving people for being human, for who they are and aren't, and for who they are in our lives.

A Quiet Calm

Today meant a lot to me. Because it was a skewed version of Willy Wonka and the Golden Ticket, except that the ticket would take him further away from me, rather than bring him into my world.


There were so many things to be said or done, but, the air buzzed with the silence of two people with so much history and yet no future, both trying to outrun each other into oblivion.


But I have to agree with PoshJosh's theory of women actually getting tired of men liking them, because, it is true. I refuse to layan all advances, and once I feel anyone trying to get too close to me, I start giving excuses to not see them/go out with them. It's not a hostile thing, it's just, I'm tired of it all, and I'd rather go home and be by myself.


I realise it is because I have conciliated myself with these two facts:

1. I know he is my soul mate, and there is no one I'll be with for the rest of my life.
2. I know he will never take me back, so it's either him or no one at all.

And so be it. I'm fine with things as they are. I'm calm, going through every day, like clockwork. There are no major ups or downs (unless it is about him) and so that's how it's going to be.


Although, my greatest regret would be that I could never start that big family I've always wanted. But that's another chapter...

Where Do I Go

from here?


I've kinda soft-UNlaunched my food blog, because I just realised last night, and the whole of today at work, that I really have nothing to look forward to in this industry. I need a life and I don't think I can sweat it, doing those long hours, getting hit on the head, no overtime, super low medical "benefits", low pay and all. I don't have it in me.


I used to, because he was always there, spurring me on, with those wonderful random words of encouragement, but, now, I know I can't run this marathon.


So where do I go from here? Hmmm... I'll graduate first, and then, move on to the next chapter. So long safety boots, apron, jackets, pants & toque.


Life is meaningful because of people, and not things (in this case, things that you DO). It's the people who are around you, that makes this LIFE.


Copping out? Perhaps. I want to go out there, and start a family of my own. It's time. My clock's ticking! *lol* never thought I'd ever say that this early.


OH well, tomorrow (or rather, in a few hours time) is another day. Fingers crossed. Wish me luck people. I'm taking another freefall.

TinkyWinky Smell...

Before this, I used to love what I call, Sun Smelllll....


It's the smell of any cloth that has been out in the hot sun for ages, and it has that lovely warm, sun smell. 


I just saw TinkyWinky just now, and she kept throwing herself at me, rubbing her head all over me, and now I have her smell on me.


I have 5 favourite smells, Sun Smell, my Mom's smell, TinkyWinky smell, old books smell and..... his smell.


*sniffs the air but smells none of those except for TinkyWinky smell*

Unrequited

I guess it's a good thing when you have unrequited love because


- you appreciate every single moment that person is near you
- any look/talk/text/response gives you tingles that makes your whole day
- you cherish those moments spent with that person, even though they won't ever last, because they don't last, rather than having that person around everyday and ending up taking them for granted


But it sucks when they used to love you and all they want now is to be as far away from you as possible.


Hopeless romantic. Sucker for love.


I am.

Misty Moon

I'm back from my mini darurat-KL, and first thing I see when I come out of the car, is a misty moon. I've been hearing these songs and everything reminds me of him.... 

And something shared where I really love the presentation of this song....

Here's to another weekend alone....

Je'taime

Few years back, marriage seemed like an imposing idea of socialistic cultural norms.


Nowadays, I really enjoy the idea. Because when you lose the one you really love, then only do you realise how sad life looks without him/her.


Ah, well. Change comes too late.

sunday monday blues

ohmygawd. 


I'm so friggin' lonely.....

Free Falling

My life is in free fall. I unhooked myself and bungee-jumped off a cliff.


Now, I don't see where I'm going to land, feels like forever to reach the ground, what happens when I hit ground zero, meanwhile, there's nothing that I can see or know but just myself and my life, I don't even know what's going on in his life, and all I want is him to hold me, instead of me falling, burning and crashing.


Letters to Cleo - I want you to want me, I need you to need me, I'd love you to love me, I'm begging you to beg me...


Anytime you want to come back, my arms, our home, my heart is always open.


I can't imagine if you don't. 








Let's start fresh. Back to basics.

Long Days And Longer Nights

I don't know how much more I can take.
I'm really scared nowadays, when there are so many weird people staring in the house, even in the daytime, and cars slowing down to have a look, late at night, people fighting and drinking outside, the same few bikes going too many times around the block. 
It gets too quiet, that every sound makes me jump.
Even the wind howls around the houses, making doors and windows creak and slam.


I wish Tinky was here, I'd feel much safer. Of course, it goes without saying, I wish HE was here even more than anything in the whole world. Loneliness can be the worst killer, worse than anything else, and especially since I'm the catalyst to this whole situation, it's my Judas-face I see in the lonely mirror everyday. 


But, for his sake, I have to let go.


I will not call him. He doesn't want to see me ever again.


He really hates me. I can't believe I actually made him hate me. I hate myself too.


We still have to meet, to get this business of the house done and over with. After that, freedom and peace of mind for him. 


What do I get? I don't friggin care. Not anymore.

My Mistakes

We were perfect
No one could achieve what we did
How we did it
Was everyone's subject


One day, I forgot
The vows we gave
In short
I left you in a grave
And now we're in court


High jury
I plead guilty
It was all about me
He's just another victim


My mistakes are haunting me
Shallow decisions
I was never free
I ran away
Thought you'd be the same
I did a second take
Now you're my mistake


You gave your all
You made me your world
I just breezed through it
Didn't see that it
Meant so much to you
When I said I do


I can't go on
No matter what I say
You're too far gone
Now I'm the one to stay
In our once-perfect home
The smell of you all around

My mistakes are haunting me

Shallow decisions

I was never free

I ran away

Thought you'd be the same

I'm doing three thousand takes

To take back my mistakes

My mistakes are haunting me

Shallow decisions

I was never free

I ran away

Thought you'd be the same

I'm doing a million more takes

Now you're my mistake

I'm already changed

People make mistakes

So won't you take me back?

Let's not make more mistakes...

=====================================

Some lame crappy emo lyrics. I'm going to put a tune to it soon.

Mini Lessons To Learn/Learning/Learnt

See WHY, not See WHAT

Always see WHY the other person does the things he/she does and not see it as a WHAT he/she does.

eg. How IanPenguinMan (IPMan for short) was so OCD about the house.

WHY? He wanted us to have a lovely, clean house together(besides being slightly OCD) :)

WHAT? We would fight over the fact that he thought I was too messy, didn't care a bit about the house and that he had to clean up after me all the time despite working long hours. I thought that he was nitpicking about his obsession and couldn't see how tired and no mood I was, and was being inconsiderate.

Look for the best in each other, which is better than no one to look at at all

It's so easy to fall into that taking-each-other-for-granted, when life gets you down, and all you can think about are the days ahead, quarreling about expenses and house chores, trust me, all those are even LESS fun, when you have no one to quarrel with it about. And, you have to do those ALL on your OWN.

We should always look for the best in each other, and tell each other everyday, something about the other person, that we love. Start the day with a sleepy kiss, and then before either person leaves, tell them what they love about each other.

eg. IPMan used to tell me when he was up at those wee hours when I left, to "kill them with your cooking skills". I miss that.

Small Gestures May Slip By, But They Make Huge Differences To The Person Receiving Them

DUH. I know, I'm so late on this one. But hey, I just wanted to write about these little things that make so much difference.

eg. IPMan used to put frangipani flowers on my car windscreen before going to sleep. Me being sleepy me, would only realise once I'd hit the road and then, a huge smile would break out on my face in the traffic jam. He said, he'd do that after he died as well, just to let me know he's there. Well, I'm not going to get anymore of those. I wanted to do that to his car recently, but, there are no flowers so far, and this also brings me to the next point...

To Love, You Have To Let Go

To love a person truly, deeply and madly and forever, you have to let them go. Which is, when they want to go, when you are suffocating them even if they don't want to go, and when they really, truly want to GO.

I am *breath* at the most honest, TRYING *breath* to let *Breath* Ian *breath* go.

I know, my incessant calls and messages are just suffocating him, and I'm making a nuisance of myself. Who wants an ugly evil ex penetrating their daily life, when they're having so much fun on their own, tasting the sweet air of independence, worry-less air of the freedom of being single and extremely available and wanted on top of that?

I shall stop. Stop bugging him. This is so not me. I've never bugged someone before, especially not an ex. BUT, this time, for real, I have and I will cease.

And, just now, when I saw TinkyWinky, she'd lost so much weight.

Coincidental.... he, her and me - all noticeably lost weight. A family that's meant to be together, when torn apart, the sadness shows. It's all my fault. And so, I do as much as I can, to make their transition into a free, painless life without me, by letting them both go. I am changing, changed and still changing to become a better and stronger person.

But my heart? Still the same. Cheers *glass of milk* to life alone, ahead and hopefully, less painful than now.

As pink as SirErnieBernie, my only companion, is pink, I will always be here.

Because, deep down, he is my soulmate. I may not be his, but he is mine.

Goodbye dearest. *Flying kisses*


That evil, cruel, mean monster of an ex. *Rarrghhhauughhhharwghhhahh*

My Heart is Going Away

My heart is going away.
On some exotic trip to the city of Bang-bang-Kok.


When he goes, it won't only be me who's missing him, I bet.


Mysterygirl, cherish him, for he's like no other.

Remeniscing.

That time he was so disturbed and saddened by his breakup with her, he drove around the dimly lighted streets of USJ, that being his time of contemplation and calm, I messaged him and told him, that whenever he's sad or down, I want to be there for him. That will never change.


How I held his hand, when he was holding the gear stick of a little courting-machine SLK, and knew that that was it. So many times from last year we sat in a car together, I was praying that he would reach out and hold mine, like I did the first time. But instead, he was more concerned about the traffic and signboards. This has changed.


How we sat outside of Rainforest, in those lights, noise and people, he asked me to be his girlfriend. In less than a heartbeat, I would go there again, and have me be the one asking him now.


How he wants me to propose to him, I would reenact that, on a pimped up BMX which I learn how to ride, I would propose to him, and put a ring on his finger.


How we fight crazily, bite and love-wrestle each other. How we stalked each other in the house, how we would spy on each other, despite knowing everything about each other.


How I would make him food, while he played his car games, and be up so fast, with his fave food to calm his troubled penguin tummy. I hope he never forgets that.


How he'd put my face towel over his head, pretending it was a helmet and claiming it would make him drive better in his PS races. How I'd be co-pilot and his lucky charm for winning races.


How I'd hold his hand, and kiss his nose sticking out from the blankets, while he acted cute or fell asleep watching movies.


How we have this ritual of kissing the forehead, left cheek, right cheek, chin, NOSE.....!, and then a lovely ending of a long lingering kiss on the lips.


How any hair or eyelashes of his that drops on to me, I'd put back on my head, so that it would not be lonely.


How we used to say "See you in Piggyland, under the cherry tree" before we fell asleep, because we couldn't stand being away from each other, even during sleep. I say that to myself every night, but Piggyland is empty now.


How we'd joke and laugh and write each other little secret notes during work in Edexcel, just to keep our days going, and save each other from stress. I have some of them left.


How we'd just walk around, carefree, but having that wonderful warmth holding each others' hands, like we were high as helium, but that was our anchor that we made.


How we started that one night burger shop, which ended up into a fluke-BBQ and just good memories and laughs about it. Hope he remembers it still.


How we'd shift and turn, and try to fall asleep in each others' arms, yet become so hot, that we'd end up in weird yoga positions, and I'd reach out every now and then, to make sure that he wasn't cold, because he would never wake up to cover himself, and just shiver and have a fitful sleep. Whenever those fuzzy penguin legs were cold, I'd get up, and cover him with a blanket, and all he'd do is give out mini-sighs and squeaks and then settle comfortably in the warmth.


There's more to come. I'm writing all this, so that it will never fade. Those memories are ever-so-precious. This is me documenting this, so that one day, he might know, that no matter what mistakes I did, the huge amount of things I did throughout the 6 years was nothing but love.


I know, he will never come back to me. This is my healing I guess.


*shrugs* my last texts were unemotional and direct to the point. I don't want to torture him any longer with my pleas and begging. I think it makes him really uncomfortable and angry and it irritates him. So I write these unsent letters to him, on the wall, in my blog, just so I can let it out. He will never see or appreciate these, because they are just meaningless words to him, I believe. I know also, for his recent sudden definite change of heart. There is someone. *sigh*


I have asked for my DVDs, books and other things from him. Only one thing remains with him, which I know he thought that he doesn't and doesn't know he has still... 


















My heart.




Maybe, in time, when I walk past to see Tinky, I might see my heart lying outside on the ground, where he finds it and throws it out with the trash and dry leaves.......

Yup. He's gone.

Every time I start up my lappie, I see a brown love fast asleep, blissfully innocent and adorable with all the promise shining from her lovely coat and colours.


And every time, this phrase from IanPenguin starts, "You had everything. A beautiful house, Tinky and me, and you threw it all away."


I wanted so badly to text and tell him, how badly I miss them. How badly I miss trying to cuddle with him, with Tinky trying so hard to cuddle in between us, making her snorting sounds now and then.


I believe, she doesn't miss me. She's just caught up with having people around, and I'm just down the road, in an empty house, staring at her static picture.


I believe, he doesn't miss me. Even our first photograph together has probably been obliterated into mush already, floating somewhere out there in the universe of garbage.


It took a lot out of me to say, "I'll see you in a year's time. If you've moved on, I understand."


It's surprising what silence can say.


It's telling me, that it's already gone.

I really don't know what to do.


I'm in shock. Well deserved, major padan muka consequences of my stupid, stupid actions.


I can never do anything to have that cuddly moment where time stood still, and all we had was the beautiful warmth and togetherness of us, ever again.

I can't even begin to say how I feel

Every time you walk out that door
The pain hits me thousandfold
Like I did it to you so many times before
Can I be honest and say I'm sorry
I really am, and I miss you terribly


We both find ways to hurt each other
A vicious cycle, over and over
And all at once, there's this sad love emotion
That's just fading away, day by day


Messages get shorter
The silences get longer
Light up another
Open a bottle


I want to go back to that night
When we watched The Brothers Bloom
I saw you at the sink, bathed in yellow light
And at that time, I just knew
It was you, will be you, wish it's you
Can't it be you?


This isn't my drama of insecurity
Unless it speeds up your healing
It's just me being honest
Trying to tell you how I'm feeling


Words can never express how sorry I am
How bad I feel, and how I deserve this
How you don't deserve me
Too many heartbreaks and tears

I've so many unsaid words, that I cried out once you walked out the door
So many text messages, I wrote, rewrote, saved and didn't send at all


I deserve this. I know. I know it so well now.
It just kills me inside, that's all.


I'm speechless. With too much to say, too much to feel, that my thoughts are all over the place. No one knows this, no one bothered, no one is here. I deserve this......

Confusion in Clarity

Just had a short and full-to-the-brim conversation with him. And yes, I am a horrible person.


I portray myself and assume the world sees me, as a happy-go-lucky, partying, always laughing person.


Honestly, *deep breath* I am happy-go-lucky because even my own thoughts scare me at times.


I party a lot, because that is the one time I can stop thinking about life and how shitty I am at it.


I laugh a lot because if I were to reveal how I really feel inside and act out how I feel, I wouldn't be able to function at all.


And I externalise those sad feelings by pushing away those who really know how I feel.


Sick. Demented. Depressed.


Au contraire, I do not enjoy being depressed. Who does? And I really feel sick to my stomach, knowing that he "can't stomach all this" in me.


Is it a new beginning or the final end to it all? Step up, change, and live the life I've set for myself. The path created with all my mistakes, carelessness and cruelty.


Fair is it not?


Shit. The only thing that keeps me going now is work. After and before is just numbing empty echoing walls of silence..........

Work work work...

Working day in day out, with no time to spend with anyone even myself... and of course, the recent few months have been a rollercoaster from my peak to that long dipping, stomach-hauling feeling, which I am still experiencing now...


Super malang days leading on to super lonely and quiet nights.. well, this is what I asked for and got, through my actions and my words... I shall write more about this one day. I am the most vague, when I am experiencing something. Only when I have gone through and achieved catharsis, then only will I fully expound the whole issue.


Well, cheers to solo nights ahead people. If I can't face nights by myself, how can I go through life, when the constant companion is only me, myself and I?

Snicker Bars & Bruno Mars

This comfort eating has to stop! My clothes are getting tighter and don't fall as well as before...


And I never really liked Snickers, as much as I love Mars bars, although I loved the (now out of production) Snickers Almond bars to bits, but currently, Snickers has been my choice indulgence for the past month or so...


Of course Bruno Mars' song makes me feel even worse. Hmmm....

I'd rather think of butterflies and rockets in the sky with these two tunes....