Contradictions & Conclusions

Conversations about him and with him have always been about contradictions.


Me taking care of an abandoned kitten, he calls, "taking a kitten hostage".


I love him because he's a wonderful, sweet, funny, eccentric, everything we do makes magic type of person, but yet, he can also be mean, childish, vengeful, unforgiving and relentless.


My bestie said this to me, (the gist of which I gathered), that even though we had a relationship that was so superb, so magical, there was always something fundamentally wrong at the core of it. Minus what I did to him at the end of it, but what was going on all the while when we were together, were so many issues. What I did to him, was the last straw which unraveled everything we ever built together. Nobody should blame him for being angry about it all the time.


I had a huge drinking problem, firstly, which, got worse, because we had a lot of friends who love going out and partying. He was attracted to my outgoing personality at first, but then, it turned into being a trait he didn't want in a long term partner. I make friends easily, and too easily, he would say, especially with his friends and when I forgot my boundaries by becoming close to them, he became uncomfortable with it, yet closed one eye to it. Despite him always being the one who would boost my confidence, he was also the one telling me that I was far from perfect. I also had this underlying depression and constant fear of failure, that I would always present this wild, party animal, strong and arrogant character to the world, because I did not want people to see my flaws. I always talked down to him, whereas he always did things his way without wanting to admit defeat. I always acted like I was right, and so both of us were at loggerheads. I was selfish and never ever considered the consequences to any of my actions, thinking that I could always get away with it, whereas he always thought ahead, being prudent and sometimes, quite Sherlocky in his senses (his "Portuguese hunch" :D ). He was also stubborn and knew how to get what he wanted, by going around the bush, by using all kinds of emotional ways of getting people to do what he wanted them to do, I was more outspoken, and of course offended many people at many times. He was brash but covered it with his brand of unique humour, I was funny but too sharp at times.


Of course, it had its effects. Many effects, in fact, to the point where you'll find us both, sitting in the same room, quiet, the air rife with emotions and thoughts, both of us at a huge loss, in a big painful chasm, looking for something, someone, each other, maybe? So right now, after losing everything and the losing the value in everything, I honestly don't know who I am anymore. I do feel more in control of myself nowadays on a personal note, but I am still working on the rest of me. He said "You need to be fixed" and that, even according to other people, is quite a nasty statement, albeit true. What more if they knew who it was coming from? The person who wanted to spend his life with me - damaged goods. I think, it came out, because he voices his hurt, through hurting words. Yes, I hurt him a lot, even when I wasn't cheating on him. And he has also hurt me, that's why I also retaliated with hurtful words. Same modus operandi, and look where we both ended up.


Even just now, he asked me upfront, "So what happened to your therapy sessions? You're supposed to get fixed." Yes, I know, I may be temperamental and emotional, but it doesn't mean I am "schizophrenic" or "bipolar" as he so casually calls me ever so often.


He is moody, rude, cruel, grumpy, angry, untrusting, insecure, violent even, calculative, OCD, always planning and plotting and yet he can be so gentle, sweet, loving, romantic to a boy band-similarity, impulsive, caring, polite, faithful, responsible, simple, happy go lucky, adorable and little boy-ish and yet always wanting to protect his loved ones. 


I am mean, sarcastic, arrogant, careless, sloppy, lazy, frivolous, forgetful, inconsiderate, gullible and yet I am also capable of being loving, loyal, straightforward, caring, compassionate, empathetic, a good listener and generally want the best for everyone I know.


You know what, World and Mr. Ian Dias? 


That's not being Schizophrenic or Bipolar or in any way mentally unfit.


That's being HUMAN. 


And I still love him for it all.


Whoever's out there, who's reading this right now, we are ALL human, and yet, people love us. So instead of learning to dislike each others' flaws, we should focus on our capabilities of loving people for being human, for who they are and aren't, and for who they are in our lives.