Looking back through so many old photos and all the good times we had together with our friends, I really wonder, how they feel watching us break up, and they just never said/did anything to help us solve our problems.
It's like watching a car crash ay? It's gruesome yet you can't stop staring and talking about it, and you're so glad it didn't happen to you.
Screw all you "friends" out there. You can never realise how much pain the both of us are going through. Instead you try to medicate him with girls, booze, parties and all that fluff. There's only so far you can push him, until he steps off the edge and falls and realises what I realise now - that true friends don't do that.
Ergh. Whatever.
Daily Epidoses: Not-so-daily doses of life. Bite-sized! (most of the time) :)
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
My Second Horriblest Birthday
Last year, I thought my birthday couldn't get any worse. This year, I believe, it will prove me wrong.
I'm slowly losing all threads I have connected to him. He's already untagged himself from so many pics on FB so that he will not be associated with me anymore. I know, oneday, there will be NO pictures that I have together with him, and he will just be an unknown face, and I will be a whisper from the past.
This birthday, I wish, I could just have Tinky and him around for a whole day, just like we used to hang out together back then. But ah well, that's never going to happen.
A unHappy birthday to me, 27 years ago, Mom, you gave birth to a majorly useless monster of a heartbreaking, cheating daughter. Here's to living life without my penguin.
I'm slowly losing all threads I have connected to him. He's already untagged himself from so many pics on FB so that he will not be associated with me anymore. I know, oneday, there will be NO pictures that I have together with him, and he will just be an unknown face, and I will be a whisper from the past.
This birthday, I wish, I could just have Tinky and him around for a whole day, just like we used to hang out together back then. But ah well, that's never going to happen.
A unHappy birthday to me, 27 years ago, Mom, you gave birth to a majorly useless monster of a heartbreaking, cheating daughter. Here's to living life without my penguin.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Still Can't Move On
Ever since I've been away from him, been secluded in my own little bubble, even then, there are people who like me and show it. I tell them straight away, I am a CHUM. Nothing else.
The weird ones, the rich ones, the cute ones, the smart ones, the quirky ones, the poor ones, the ultra-confident ones, the shy ones - have all come. But they can never measure up to HIM.
He has stolen my heart.
The weird ones, the rich ones, the cute ones, the smart ones, the quirky ones, the poor ones, the ultra-confident ones, the shy ones - have all come. But they can never measure up to HIM.
He has stolen my heart.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Contradictions & Conclusions
Conversations about him and with him have always been about contradictions.
Me taking care of an abandoned kitten, he calls, "taking a kitten hostage".
I love him because he's a wonderful, sweet, funny, eccentric, everything we do makes magic type of person, but yet, he can also be mean, childish, vengeful, unforgiving and relentless.
My bestie said this to me, (the gist of which I gathered), that even though we had a relationship that was so superb, so magical, there was always something fundamentally wrong at the core of it. Minus what I did to him at the end of it, but what was going on all the while when we were together, were so many issues. What I did to him, was the last straw which unraveled everything we ever built together. Nobody should blame him for being angry about it all the time.
I had a huge drinking problem, firstly, which, got worse, because we had a lot of friends who love going out and partying. He was attracted to my outgoing personality at first, but then, it turned into being a trait he didn't want in a long term partner. I make friends easily, and too easily, he would say, especially with his friends and when I forgot my boundaries by becoming close to them, he became uncomfortable with it, yet closed one eye to it. Despite him always being the one who would boost my confidence, he was also the one telling me that I was far from perfect. I also had this underlying depression and constant fear of failure, that I would always present this wild, party animal, strong and arrogant character to the world, because I did not want people to see my flaws. I always talked down to him, whereas he always did things his way without wanting to admit defeat. I always acted like I was right, and so both of us were at loggerheads. I was selfish and never ever considered the consequences to any of my actions, thinking that I could always get away with it, whereas he always thought ahead, being prudent and sometimes, quite Sherlocky in his senses (his "Portuguese hunch" :D ). He was also stubborn and knew how to get what he wanted, by going around the bush, by using all kinds of emotional ways of getting people to do what he wanted them to do, I was more outspoken, and of course offended many people at many times. He was brash but covered it with his brand of unique humour, I was funny but too sharp at times.
Of course, it had its effects. Many effects, in fact, to the point where you'll find us both, sitting in the same room, quiet, the air rife with emotions and thoughts, both of us at a huge loss, in a big painful chasm, looking for something, someone, each other, maybe? So right now, after losing everything and the losing the value in everything, I honestly don't know who I am anymore. I do feel more in control of myself nowadays on a personal note, but I am still working on the rest of me. He said "You need to be fixed" and that, even according to other people, is quite a nasty statement, albeit true. What more if they knew who it was coming from? The person who wanted to spend his life with me - damaged goods. I think, it came out, because he voices his hurt, through hurting words. Yes, I hurt him a lot, even when I wasn't cheating on him. And he has also hurt me, that's why I also retaliated with hurtful words. Same modus operandi, and look where we both ended up.
Even just now, he asked me upfront, "So what happened to your therapy sessions? You're supposed to get fixed." Yes, I know, I may be temperamental and emotional, but it doesn't mean I am "schizophrenic" or "bipolar" as he so casually calls me ever so often.
He is moody, rude, cruel, grumpy, angry, untrusting, insecure, violent even, calculative, OCD, always planning and plotting and yet he can be so gentle, sweet, loving, romantic to a boy band-similarity, impulsive, caring, polite, faithful, responsible, simple, happy go lucky, adorable and little boy-ish and yet always wanting to protect his loved ones.
I am mean, sarcastic, arrogant, careless, sloppy, lazy, frivolous, forgetful, inconsiderate, gullible and yet I am also capable of being loving, loyal, straightforward, caring, compassionate, empathetic, a good listener and generally want the best for everyone I know.
You know what, World and Mr. Ian Dias?
That's not being Schizophrenic or Bipolar or in any way mentally unfit.
That's being HUMAN.
And I still love him for it all.
Whoever's out there, who's reading this right now, we are ALL human, and yet, people love us. So instead of learning to dislike each others' flaws, we should focus on our capabilities of loving people for being human, for who they are and aren't, and for who they are in our lives.
Me taking care of an abandoned kitten, he calls, "taking a kitten hostage".
I love him because he's a wonderful, sweet, funny, eccentric, everything we do makes magic type of person, but yet, he can also be mean, childish, vengeful, unforgiving and relentless.
My bestie said this to me, (the gist of which I gathered), that even though we had a relationship that was so superb, so magical, there was always something fundamentally wrong at the core of it. Minus what I did to him at the end of it, but what was going on all the while when we were together, were so many issues. What I did to him, was the last straw which unraveled everything we ever built together. Nobody should blame him for being angry about it all the time.
I had a huge drinking problem, firstly, which, got worse, because we had a lot of friends who love going out and partying. He was attracted to my outgoing personality at first, but then, it turned into being a trait he didn't want in a long term partner. I make friends easily, and too easily, he would say, especially with his friends and when I forgot my boundaries by becoming close to them, he became uncomfortable with it, yet closed one eye to it. Despite him always being the one who would boost my confidence, he was also the one telling me that I was far from perfect. I also had this underlying depression and constant fear of failure, that I would always present this wild, party animal, strong and arrogant character to the world, because I did not want people to see my flaws. I always talked down to him, whereas he always did things his way without wanting to admit defeat. I always acted like I was right, and so both of us were at loggerheads. I was selfish and never ever considered the consequences to any of my actions, thinking that I could always get away with it, whereas he always thought ahead, being prudent and sometimes, quite Sherlocky in his senses (his "Portuguese hunch" :D ). He was also stubborn and knew how to get what he wanted, by going around the bush, by using all kinds of emotional ways of getting people to do what he wanted them to do, I was more outspoken, and of course offended many people at many times. He was brash but covered it with his brand of unique humour, I was funny but too sharp at times.
Of course, it had its effects. Many effects, in fact, to the point where you'll find us both, sitting in the same room, quiet, the air rife with emotions and thoughts, both of us at a huge loss, in a big painful chasm, looking for something, someone, each other, maybe? So right now, after losing everything and the losing the value in everything, I honestly don't know who I am anymore. I do feel more in control of myself nowadays on a personal note, but I am still working on the rest of me. He said "You need to be fixed" and that, even according to other people, is quite a nasty statement, albeit true. What more if they knew who it was coming from? The person who wanted to spend his life with me - damaged goods. I think, it came out, because he voices his hurt, through hurting words. Yes, I hurt him a lot, even when I wasn't cheating on him. And he has also hurt me, that's why I also retaliated with hurtful words. Same modus operandi, and look where we both ended up.
Even just now, he asked me upfront, "So what happened to your therapy sessions? You're supposed to get fixed." Yes, I know, I may be temperamental and emotional, but it doesn't mean I am "schizophrenic" or "bipolar" as he so casually calls me ever so often.
He is moody, rude, cruel, grumpy, angry, untrusting, insecure, violent even, calculative, OCD, always planning and plotting and yet he can be so gentle, sweet, loving, romantic to a boy band-similarity, impulsive, caring, polite, faithful, responsible, simple, happy go lucky, adorable and little boy-ish and yet always wanting to protect his loved ones.
I am mean, sarcastic, arrogant, careless, sloppy, lazy, frivolous, forgetful, inconsiderate, gullible and yet I am also capable of being loving, loyal, straightforward, caring, compassionate, empathetic, a good listener and generally want the best for everyone I know.
You know what, World and Mr. Ian Dias?
That's not being Schizophrenic or Bipolar or in any way mentally unfit.
That's being HUMAN.
And I still love him for it all.
Whoever's out there, who's reading this right now, we are ALL human, and yet, people love us. So instead of learning to dislike each others' flaws, we should focus on our capabilities of loving people for being human, for who they are and aren't, and for who they are in our lives.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Anything In the World...
I'd do anything in the world to have him back, to restore his faith, to heal his soul, to be the one beside him, to hold his hand.
Today, I allowed myself just today, to break down a little, let my guard down, let some hurt out and stop smiling. Just today.
Today, I allowed myself just today, to break down a little, let my guard down, let some hurt out and stop smiling. Just today.
Friday, August 19, 2011
A Quiet Calm
Today meant a lot to me. Because it was a skewed version of Willy Wonka and the Golden Ticket, except that the ticket would take him further away from me, rather than bring him into my world.
There were so many things to be said or done, but, the air buzzed with the silence of two people with so much history and yet no future, both trying to outrun each other into oblivion.
But I have to agree with PoshJosh's theory of women actually getting tired of men liking them, because, it is true. I refuse to layan all advances, and once I feel anyone trying to get too close to me, I start giving excuses to not see them/go out with them. It's not a hostile thing, it's just, I'm tired of it all, and I'd rather go home and be by myself.
I realise it is because I have conciliated myself with these two facts:
Although, my greatest regret would be that I could never start that big family I've always wanted. But that's another chapter...
There were so many things to be said or done, but, the air buzzed with the silence of two people with so much history and yet no future, both trying to outrun each other into oblivion.
But I have to agree with PoshJosh's theory of women actually getting tired of men liking them, because, it is true. I refuse to layan all advances, and once I feel anyone trying to get too close to me, I start giving excuses to not see them/go out with them. It's not a hostile thing, it's just, I'm tired of it all, and I'd rather go home and be by myself.
I realise it is because I have conciliated myself with these two facts:
- I know he is my soul mate, and there is no one I'll be with for the rest of my life.
- I know he will never take me back, so it's either him or no one at all.
Although, my greatest regret would be that I could never start that big family I've always wanted. But that's another chapter...
Thursday, August 18, 2011
I Wish
If I rubbed an old oil lamp, and had a genie grant me 3 wishes, I seriously wouldn't know what to do with those wishes.
Maybe, I'd wish that I hadn't made certain mistakes in my life, which would not bring me to how I am today.
Maybe, I'd wish, that I'd get back that passion for cooking again, because I really have lost it.
Maybe, I'd wish, that I'd have a little bit more time to be innocent, and see the world in a better way.
Maybe, I'd wish, that I would have ONE second chance to make it all right again.
What would you do with 3 wishes?
Maybe, I'd wish that I hadn't made certain mistakes in my life, which would not bring me to how I am today.
Maybe, I'd wish, that I'd get back that passion for cooking again, because I really have lost it.
Maybe, I'd wish, that I'd have a little bit more time to be innocent, and see the world in a better way.
Maybe, I'd wish, that I would have ONE second chance to make it all right again.
What would you do with 3 wishes?
Monday, August 15, 2011
Go Brownie, It's your Birthday...
It's TinkyWinky's birthday today!! She's officially 14 doggy years old. Aww... little precocious brown tubby-pawed fluffy rocket of love!
I bought her some nice treats and would love to make her a birthday meat-cake, but that's up to him. I can't do much, but pass the treats to him.
My little tribute to the lovablest doggywoggy in the world!
I bought her some nice treats and would love to make her a birthday meat-cake, but that's up to him. I can't do much, but pass the treats to him.
My little tribute to the lovablest doggywoggy in the world!
Friday, August 12, 2011
Where Do I Go
from here?
I've kinda soft-UNlaunched my food blog, because I just realised last night, and the whole of today at work, that I really have nothing to look forward to in this industry. I need a life and I don't think I can sweat it, doing those long hours, getting hit on the head, no overtime, super low medical "benefits", low pay and all. I don't have it in me.
I used to, because he was always there, spurring me on, with those wonderful random words of encouragement, but, now, I know I can't run this marathon.
So where do I go from here? Hmmm... I'll graduate first, and then, move on to the next chapter. So long safety boots, apron, jackets, pants & toque.
Life is meaningful because of people, and not things (in this case, things that you DO). It's the people who are around you, that makes this LIFE.
Copping out? Perhaps. I want to go out there, and start a family of my own. It's time. My clock's ticking! *lol* never thought I'd ever say that this early.
OH well, tomorrow (or rather, in a few hours time) is another day. Fingers crossed. Wish me luck people. I'm taking another freefall.
I've kinda soft-UNlaunched my food blog, because I just realised last night, and the whole of today at work, that I really have nothing to look forward to in this industry. I need a life and I don't think I can sweat it, doing those long hours, getting hit on the head, no overtime, super low medical "benefits", low pay and all. I don't have it in me.
I used to, because he was always there, spurring me on, with those wonderful random words of encouragement, but, now, I know I can't run this marathon.
So where do I go from here? Hmmm... I'll graduate first, and then, move on to the next chapter. So long safety boots, apron, jackets, pants & toque.
Life is meaningful because of people, and not things (in this case, things that you DO). It's the people who are around you, that makes this LIFE.
Copping out? Perhaps. I want to go out there, and start a family of my own. It's time. My clock's ticking! *lol* never thought I'd ever say that this early.
OH well, tomorrow (or rather, in a few hours time) is another day. Fingers crossed. Wish me luck people. I'm taking another freefall.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
So Love.
I talk like I'm invincible
But all I can think of is you
And how I could make you fall back in love with me again
I may seem a little intense
For your old-fashioned senses
But, all I want is to be back in your arms again
Seeing what you do and what you say
And viewing those pictures of your face
Makes me feel like we never were apart
Makes me feel like, it was just yesterday I had your heart
And now, it's all just words and words
So vague and yet so blunt
The raw emotion I can sense like electricity in the air
Or am I just imagining like I always do
The spaces between your words
Are like the silences I heard
When you went away, and I cried all day
And night, until I tried to find someone
Who would be better than you
But til today, I can't stop thinking of
All the things we did and will do
If only, you were back here today
I may sound selfish, but this cruelty I wield
Is just to make you want to want me still
Is it foolish? Is it real?
I hate that every song I hear
Reminds me of you and how we used to be
Everything you told me that night
Keeps replaying whenever I fall asleep
I want you to love me
Or even just think, Hey, maybe...
What I'd do to make you love me...
Just, please, say... Maybe...
But all I can think of is you
And how I could make you fall back in love with me again
I may seem a little intense
For your old-fashioned senses
But, all I want is to be back in your arms again
Seeing what you do and what you say
And viewing those pictures of your face
Makes me feel like we never were apart
Makes me feel like, it was just yesterday I had your heart
And now, it's all just words and words
So vague and yet so blunt
The raw emotion I can sense like electricity in the air
Or am I just imagining like I always do
The spaces between your words
Are like the silences I heard
When you went away, and I cried all day
And night, until I tried to find someone
Who would be better than you
But til today, I can't stop thinking of
All the things we did and will do
If only, you were back here today
I may sound selfish, but this cruelty I wield
Is just to make you want to want me still
Is it foolish? Is it real?
I hate that every song I hear
Reminds me of you and how we used to be
Everything you told me that night
Keeps replaying whenever I fall asleep
I want you to love me
Or even just think, Hey, maybe...
What I'd do to make you love me...
Just, please, say... Maybe...
Funny Moments
I was just looking through some old photos in my lappy, and saw so many things, things that I will always remember for life, things that nothing in this world can ever take away from me. And seriously, some of them are so friggin' funny!!
Some are quite NSFW (in endearing ways, not XXX!) and it brings back so many good memories of us. I am still laughing thinking about it.
This was a spying moment, back in the days of working together in Cyberjaya, when we'd all use the same toilet for smoking and breaks together with Jeremy. Cute pose! :D
This was us rushing to fetch his mom from the airport, where I'd always sleepily jump into the car with him, just to keep him company during those weird hours when he had to get his mom.
This was a snippet of our quiet, bonding moments in Segafredo's where we'd steal away from the world, and just be there in silence as one.
This was a camwhoring moment of his, when he worked in Pavilion, and I had the amazing privilege of him bringing me around when it was still being constructed. Yay for kitchen steel toe safety boots and the safety helmet. Pavilion will always be ours.
This was a note from him, when I drove all the way to fetch him from work, and instead he kicked up a fuss. All I wanted was for him to relax in the car, and not be tired, by having to wait ages for the bus, take the smelly bus back, and then wait again in the hot, lonely airport. Those words still ring true... I do care for him,mostly through my actions, even though my words are limited.
"I'm really feeling bad about the way i was just now,i know you wanted to spent time with me by fetching me.Instead of talking and spending good quality time i just threw it & wasted it away by my actions just now.I'm really feeling the pain & lost of our beautiful time together. I hope you could forgive,did not mean to hurt with those harsh words that i said.Yeah i know when people are angry they always say things they dont mean just to hurt the other person.I'm trying my best to change and not be like all the other people. I was really tired & moody not to mention having in balance of my grip when i walk or stand straight due to lack of sleep and all...
I know how much you care for me and i can see it in your actions,maybe i'm a dumb nimrod who prefers words rather to actions but i'm looking at the big picture not just small tiny words but all the things you do. THANK YOU for loving me and always putting up with my shit that i have to offer,wish i could be that perfect prince penguin charming for you. I may not be the best in showing my ways or sometimes show my love for you in the wrong ways but babe i really really really do love you from the bottom of my heart....from the first time my eyes laid eyes on you till this very moment and for all the future has in stored for us. Sweet Julia Dias i love so much that i over react most of the time......I'm sorry for those moments......Going to sleep now will talk to you later during the day,if you feel like talking to me after reading this please do wake me up and i'll will talk to you.......
Love always,
Ian Dias"
I wish I could turn back time, and have that all back. Fights, arguments, wrestling, crazy good times and all.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Thinking about it....
I still love him.
That day, he called me in the middle of work. Shan was so excited for me, when he saw the look on my face, when I saw who was calling. He didn't have to ask who it was, because I never smiled like that before, so it only had to be ONE person.
But, unfortunately, it just turned out to be a massive rant by him, about money and about my mother being a horrible person.
That precious fleeting moment of utter joy traded for a whole day of tears, silence, confusion, worrying and self-hatred.
Now? In the middle of the night, I still think of looking into his eyes and the feeling of hugging him to sleep, resting my chin on his shoulder while his big brown hands envelop mine, and I rub my legs against his fuzzy warm ones.
That day, he called me in the middle of work. Shan was so excited for me, when he saw the look on my face, when I saw who was calling. He didn't have to ask who it was, because I never smiled like that before, so it only had to be ONE person.
But, unfortunately, it just turned out to be a massive rant by him, about money and about my mother being a horrible person.
That precious fleeting moment of utter joy traded for a whole day of tears, silence, confusion, worrying and self-hatred.
Now? In the middle of the night, I still think of looking into his eyes and the feeling of hugging him to sleep, resting my chin on his shoulder while his big brown hands envelop mine, and I rub my legs against his fuzzy warm ones.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Pink & Carey Hart & Willow Sage Hart
Friends from 2001, married in 2006, separated/divorced in 2008, back with a baby in 2011.
Life, along the way, gets messed up and horrible, but if you're willing to give yourself and that other person another chance, things can be wonderful.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Eternal Sunshine
This movie has always been coming back to me lately, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, starring Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet, a couple whose relationship turned sour, and they both erased the memories of each other, but then, he realises that he still loves her, and they do meet eventually, and all the things that come together after that.
I never survived more than 20 minutes of that show, but I'm going to watch it soon. That's next on my lifeless online movie streaming playlist.
I have this vision, because we both just match each other so well, that if we could just erase all memories of us, and then one day, just start over again. In a more probable sense, I see this scene in my mind, say 2 years down the road, when we are both living on our own, and the pain has subsided, and then, we just run into each other, and decide, hey, let's just go for a drink at the nearby mamak, and then, after a few minutes of awkward conversation, we just start talking, like for real, and then, slowly, bit by bit, his friends and my friends are texting, "Hey, you serious you going out with her/him for dinner?" and then, we slowly go out again and again, and realise how much we fit together, and then, we go on One date, then another and another, and then... walk into the sunset together, with TinkyWinky and her children and ours, by our side.
Ah well. Wishful thinking. That's never going to happen.
I never survived more than 20 minutes of that show, but I'm going to watch it soon. That's next on my lifeless online movie streaming playlist.
I have this vision, because we both just match each other so well, that if we could just erase all memories of us, and then one day, just start over again. In a more probable sense, I see this scene in my mind, say 2 years down the road, when we are both living on our own, and the pain has subsided, and then, we just run into each other, and decide, hey, let's just go for a drink at the nearby mamak, and then, after a few minutes of awkward conversation, we just start talking, like for real, and then, slowly, bit by bit, his friends and my friends are texting, "Hey, you serious you going out with her/him for dinner?" and then, we slowly go out again and again, and realise how much we fit together, and then, we go on One date, then another and another, and then... walk into the sunset together, with TinkyWinky and her children and ours, by our side.
Ah well. Wishful thinking. That's never going to happen.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Claiming Hours
This month of Ramadhan is considered off peak season, and so, the hotel has decided to not pay us overtime. Therefore, we just go to work later or leave earlier, and claim our hours back. This means.... next month's pay is going to be only half of what it's supposed to be. Oh my goodness... I can't imagine.
Other than that, it's really awesome seeing the sunlight stream into the house and see what the garden looks like in the daytime. Still, the house rings empty....
I still miss him.
Other than that, it's really awesome seeing the sunlight stream into the house and see what the garden looks like in the daytime. Still, the house rings empty....
I still miss him.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
Goodnight He's Gone
Offerings to calm the soul of a beast, I would sing him this song over and over again, on the ukulele he bought me:
And for the rest of my life, because I know his door is closed to me,
I leave to Simple Plan...
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