Sick & Not looking forward to Sunday

Augh... I'm falling sick, my head feels stuffy, my nose is blocked, my whole body feels like it's in a buzzing warmer, and I miss TinkyWinks so so much.


I need to take out my camera again. Haven't seen myself being alive for so very long now.


Here's to the first of my birthdays without Him.


Only perks? I'm off from Sunday til Tuesday and all day long, this tune plays in my cottonwool head.

My Second Horriblest Birthday

Last year, I thought my birthday couldn't get any worse. This year, I believe, it will prove me wrong.


I'm slowly losing all threads I have connected to him. He's already untagged himself from so many pics on FB so that he will not be associated with me anymore. I know, oneday, there will be NO pictures that I have together with him, and he will just be an unknown face, and I will be a whisper from the past.


This birthday, I wish, I could just have Tinky and him around for a whole day, just like we used to hang out together back then. But ah well, that's never going to happen.


A unHappy birthday to me, 27 years ago, Mom, you gave birth to a majorly useless monster of a heartbreaking, cheating daughter. Here's to living life without my penguin.

Where Do I Go

from here?


I've kinda soft-UNlaunched my food blog, because I just realised last night, and the whole of today at work, that I really have nothing to look forward to in this industry. I need a life and I don't think I can sweat it, doing those long hours, getting hit on the head, no overtime, super low medical "benefits", low pay and all. I don't have it in me.


I used to, because he was always there, spurring me on, with those wonderful random words of encouragement, but, now, I know I can't run this marathon.


So where do I go from here? Hmmm... I'll graduate first, and then, move on to the next chapter. So long safety boots, apron, jackets, pants & toque.


Life is meaningful because of people, and not things (in this case, things that you DO). It's the people who are around you, that makes this LIFE.


Copping out? Perhaps. I want to go out there, and start a family of my own. It's time. My clock's ticking! *lol* never thought I'd ever say that this early.


OH well, tomorrow (or rather, in a few hours time) is another day. Fingers crossed. Wish me luck people. I'm taking another freefall.

So Lame...

I am probably one of the lamest people on earth.


He's so right.


An alcoholic, drunk, easy, don't act my age, selfish, mean, sarcastic bitch.


Who'd want me?


I was lucky enough that he stuck around that long.


And I ruined it all by cheating on him.


What was I thinking?


I never took the time to resolve our problems, and when it started to grow over the years, I just thought that we couldn't solve it, and so, I ran away. Thought that people who listen to your problems could make life easier to deal with. And then, I dealt him the cruelest blow, by deciding that we weren't meant to be.


We could have saved a lot of heartbreak and pain, by taking some time to really talk and try to solve our problems. We were just too caught up in our daily lives, and then the problems got more deep-rooted, little petty issues blew up into huge arguments, remarks and words became more bitter and angry, and then we broke up.


I don't blame him for not wanting to see me. Not wanting to try again. I'd love for him to, but I don't want to hope. I do hope, because if not, I'd totally break down and everything will stop. But when I hope, I also get disappointed. What am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to do?


I can work on my life, on me but with everyday, that hope just diminishes...
And it feels so futile, so pointless, because, I really really know, that he was THE ONE.


I have been cheated on before, I've been dumped, taken for a ride, and being single for about 2 years. Why is it so different now? Because, I really see the truth. I KNOW that we really made magic together, and I know that no one else can ever make me feel the way he does. NEVER ever ever ever ever ever.... 


What do i do what do i do what do i do.............???