Sick & Not looking forward to Sunday

Augh... I'm falling sick, my head feels stuffy, my nose is blocked, my whole body feels like it's in a buzzing warmer, and I miss TinkyWinks so so much.


I need to take out my camera again. Haven't seen myself being alive for so very long now.


Here's to the first of my birthdays without Him.


Only perks? I'm off from Sunday til Tuesday and all day long, this tune plays in my cottonwool head.

Carcrash

Looking back through so many old photos and all the good times we had together with our friends, I really wonder, how they feel watching us break up, and they just never said/did anything to help us solve our problems.


It's like watching a car crash ay? It's gruesome yet you can't stop staring and talking about it, and you're so glad it didn't happen to you.


Screw all you "friends" out there. You can never realise how much pain the both of us are going through. Instead you try to medicate him with girls, booze, parties and all that fluff. There's only so far you can push him, until he steps off the edge and falls and realises what I realise now - that true friends don't do that.


Ergh. Whatever.

Still Can't Move On

Ever since I've been away from him, been secluded in my own little bubble, even then, there are people who like me and show it. I tell them straight away, I am a CHUM. Nothing else.


The weird ones, the rich ones, the cute ones, the smart ones, the quirky ones, the poor ones, the ultra-confident ones, the shy ones - have all come. But they can never measure up to HIM.


He has stolen my heart.

A Quiet Calm

Today meant a lot to me. Because it was a skewed version of Willy Wonka and the Golden Ticket, except that the ticket would take him further away from me, rather than bring him into my world.


There were so many things to be said or done, but, the air buzzed with the silence of two people with so much history and yet no future, both trying to outrun each other into oblivion.


But I have to agree with PoshJosh's theory of women actually getting tired of men liking them, because, it is true. I refuse to layan all advances, and once I feel anyone trying to get too close to me, I start giving excuses to not see them/go out with them. It's not a hostile thing, it's just, I'm tired of it all, and I'd rather go home and be by myself.


I realise it is because I have conciliated myself with these two facts:

1. I know he is my soul mate, and there is no one I'll be with for the rest of my life.
2. I know he will never take me back, so it's either him or no one at all.

And so be it. I'm fine with things as they are. I'm calm, going through every day, like clockwork. There are no major ups or downs (unless it is about him) and so that's how it's going to be.


Although, my greatest regret would be that I could never start that big family I've always wanted. But that's another chapter...

I Wish

If I rubbed an old oil lamp, and had a genie grant me 3 wishes, I seriously wouldn't know what to do with those wishes.


Maybe, I'd wish that I hadn't made certain mistakes in my life, which would not bring me to how I am today.


Maybe, I'd wish, that I'd get back that passion for cooking again, because I really have lost it.


Maybe, I'd wish, that I'd have a little bit more time to be innocent, and see the world in a better way.


Maybe, I'd wish, that I would have ONE second chance to make it all right again.


What would you do with 3 wishes?

Where Do I Go

from here?


I've kinda soft-UNlaunched my food blog, because I just realised last night, and the whole of today at work, that I really have nothing to look forward to in this industry. I need a life and I don't think I can sweat it, doing those long hours, getting hit on the head, no overtime, super low medical "benefits", low pay and all. I don't have it in me.


I used to, because he was always there, spurring me on, with those wonderful random words of encouragement, but, now, I know I can't run this marathon.


So where do I go from here? Hmmm... I'll graduate first, and then, move on to the next chapter. So long safety boots, apron, jackets, pants & toque.


Life is meaningful because of people, and not things (in this case, things that you DO). It's the people who are around you, that makes this LIFE.


Copping out? Perhaps. I want to go out there, and start a family of my own. It's time. My clock's ticking! *lol* never thought I'd ever say that this early.


OH well, tomorrow (or rather, in a few hours time) is another day. Fingers crossed. Wish me luck people. I'm taking another freefall.

Sad Lullaby

Claiming Hours

This month of Ramadhan is considered off peak season, and so, the hotel has decided to not pay us overtime. Therefore, we just go to work later or leave earlier, and claim our hours back. This means.... next month's pay is going to be only half of what it's supposed to be. Oh my goodness... I can't imagine.


Other than that, it's really awesome seeing the sunlight stream into the house and see what the garden looks like in the daytime. Still, the house rings empty....


I still miss him.

When It's Over...

He ecently quoted this "When it's over" which obviously has to mean something. Well, whoever he is now, I get this really weird feeling talking to him, because I feel like he's such a stranger now, so I really don't know. And not a nice one, like he was back in Rainforest. 


What I would give, to go back to that moment, and start over.

All is not lost....

All is not lost I guess...

Last night, I dropped by to see TinkyWinky, and Ian's Dad was outside, getting ready to take the doggies for a walk. I saw Ian looking at me from inside, and then he disappeared. I played with her for a bit, and she was being a lovely one as usual, and just as I was about to go, I asked Ian's dad, what time they were going to walk, as it was getting late. He said, he was waiting for Ian to come out.

Just as I exited the gate, he came out. So obvious he was avoiding me.

Seriously... I have no time, even though we have so much we love to do together, so much that we do so well and having so many things that just explode when we both put our heads together, but I don't have the time for people who act so childish and cowardly.

Yes, I know, I still love him, but I think, I'm in love with the Ian I used to know. This.... person now, is totally different. He's cold, mean, rude, childish, cowardly, irresponsible, drifting between jobs, backhanded and frankly, I'm surprised I still try to hold a good view of him.

Oh well. To each his own. I do not want to love anyone yet, because I'm tired of loving him so much, and have him turn worse by the day. But who am I to judge ay? I know he can be a better person, but the fact that he doesn't want to, well, that's a trait in itself.

There will always be someone out there, who can be the one who holds my wrinkly hand to sleep, and it does not necessarily stop at him. The only regret, is losing TinkyWinky.

God removes him for a better reason? So that I can finally stand on my own two feet, discover the real me, and grow up in a shorter amount of time, so I can realise my dreams, potential, and meet someone who is willing to accept me for who I am.

That in mind....let's work it out through this coming week.

This is how I heal.... I guess...

Recently, two quotes have been said to me, from two good friends, who, I believe, can't stomach seeing me sad....


1. Evelayn: "Believe that God puts people in your life for a reason, and removes them from your life for a better reason."


2. Shan-Ti: "When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal."

Those words are comforting, yet it comes with a history of broken hearts, broken bonds that can't be repaired, mistakes that can't be fixed, people you will never be with again....

Anyways, as I was doing a little gardening (my soul searching happens most during these times nowadays), it came to me, that I no longer need to drink to fall asleep.

"Wise" words (trying) coming along now...

Being able to fall asleep comes from a clear conscience (which I previously did not have, my whole life).
A clear conscience comes from truly knowing that you can never change what people think and how they act. It also comes from you reconciling that fact with the decision to make life of the people who matter and those around you, much better, by seeing the best in them and the best in everything that happens, and communicating that to them.


Just a thought, which I would love to start...

I'd imagine myself, sending an email to the people who matter most to me, asking them, what they'd say at my funeral, and also, what I'd say at theirs (not wishing them sueyness, but just thinking of them as a person, and how I remember them) because, I think, if we'd act like that everyday, we'd appreciate each other more. And, of course, it's so sad, that we never get to hear those things said at our funeral, which, I think, would have made a lot of difference when said when we're still alive.

Hah. Starting a Chain Letter: Your Epitaph by Me.

Oh well, just a thought. Be great if someone out there picks it up.

Well, words of wisdom aren't so wise yet, it does not encompass all and promise to solve all problems in one paragraph, but, I'm learning and healing at the same time.

Walk with me, will you?

To Arthur

Just watched the movie, Arthur, starring Russell Brand. It's awesome possums!


You know what? I'm kinda like him I guess. And there's gotta be a male Naomi out there, who can overlook all those flaws and see the real me and be willing to give me chances.


Too bad Ian doesn't want to. *shrugs*


I'll find someone who will.


Oh yah. And my faux friends, you can come back now. I think I'm kinda climbing up already on my own. Here's to getting stronger and making a comeback.

Avoidance...

He's avoiding me, which is fine. Just don't stop me from seeing TinkyWinky. It's not fair to her! Huh... I really really really don't know why I still think I'm in love with a guy who acts like a bastard half the time.


Oh well, that's life. Anyhoos, since I'm on MC, I've got the garden going, the pots I got recently look awesome and I've already planned out my next few month's projects with my salary.


Here's to a paradise in progress...

Beauty & The Beast

Burned my hand quite badly today, grabbing a super hot pan handle and the best part was, I couldn't let go, coz it was sticking a little. o___O!


Oh well, everyone really rallied around me and were super concerned, which is super sweet, and I made it home, driving my manual white bug, safely, thank God.


Now... to make it through the night, and if its really bad tomorrow, I'll go see a doctor. Hoping that they'll bandage it super tight, so it gets numb, so I can continue and work. Sigh.... Looking at long white streaks on my palm right now... wonder what human meat tastes like.




And, yeah, heard that Bow Chica Wow Wow song just before coming back. Well, no chance anymore, he's a really changed person now. Doesn't care about anything or anyone, or their feelings, except whoever he's with now I guess. So rude and cold, and he's requested that I delete the pics on FB that have us together. AND he also deleted his account.


I can only hope and pray that someone will give him so much love, and change him back into that wonderful person I love and know. Beast after all, is still a prince under all that. He's a good man. He is. I believe in him, even if he doesn't believe in anything now.


Goodbye Ian Penguin...

Somebody Sweep Me Off My Feet...

Someone out there, tell me you love me for who I am, tell me that I am your only one, sweep me off my feet, and we can put on that Bow Chica Wow wow...


This song just thrills me to my core somehow, it's just a melody that happens when you're with that person you love, all the sensations and feelings coming together....


That guitar bit brings me back to those days of us looking into each others eyes, in fact, the first time we spent the night together....

Gardening to calm the soul...

Went out and splurged a bit on plants and earth from the nursery in Sunway.
Finally, covered up the holes in the grass, left by him when he uprooted all the things we got together. The warm, moist fragrance of the red and black earth mixing reassured me, that there will always be chances.


Slowly but surely, I'm going to make this garden a paradise.


If only it were with him.

Weeds

Every few nights after work, I come back, and pull out weeds from the garden. Doing this is therapeutic in its own way, while allowing me to have a few thoughts, winding down after a hard day's work. 


Mainly, I wish he was standing at the porch door, having a ciggie, while he's washing down the area, while I clear up the garden, with TinkyWinky gamboling like a mini-pony. We'd both enjoy it together, I'm sure. Quality time spent with the one you love.


Another, which I thought about today, was that relationships are like gardens. It's calming, soothing and pays you back in little ways. It needs a lot of nurture, care, understanding, some new things every now and then, stays with you through rain or shine, and weeds? Weeds are like problems. It starts out as a random seed, spread by air, birds or any other agent. At first one or two spring up. If you're lazy and say, "Ah, it's okay. I'll leave that for another day" then the roots start to grow. If you pluck it out while it's still 'young', the roots come out easily. If you let it grow, the roots grow stronger and deeper, and soon it's a whole network of roots. Some areas have more weeds than others, some weeds are easy to deal with, some need more work. When you weed, you have to stick your fingers in, feel around and identify the weed from the grass. Often, after weeding, you also lose a little grass here and there, there might be empty patches in certain places, but the grass will grow back again. But, no matter how much time and effort you spend, there will always be new weeds. So you just deal with those, as they come, because, the best thing, is to nip it in the bud, before it grows huger and before you know it, your garden is totally overrun by weeds.


Relationships like gardens, also can be shaped and pruned according to your fancy. Talking to your plants makes them grow better, particularly, positive speech. You can design it how you want, and as it grows, you also change with it, because the shaping, planting and nurturing can be done, but nature also takes her own path with it.


If you're overrun with weeds, you can uproot everything, start again from scratch. The land is always there with new chances and opportunities, and when you plant everything, and give it the care and nurturing it needs, it will always grow back.


The smell of earth just tells me, that there are always chances to change, improve, start new and forge on... and so I wait here, with hope....

Unrequited

I guess it's a good thing when you have unrequited love because


- you appreciate every single moment that person is near you
- any look/talk/text/response gives you tingles that makes your whole day
- you cherish those moments spent with that person, even though they won't ever last, because they don't last, rather than having that person around everyday and ending up taking them for granted


But it sucks when they used to love you and all they want now is to be as far away from you as possible.


Hopeless romantic. Sucker for love.


I am.

Another Sunday Another Week

Another Sunday flies by, and the gap between us grows wider...


Random thoughts:


Wanted to watch Mr.Popper's Penguin's with him...


Have so many other restaurants to try out with him...


Passed by his house, they were all out I guess and I talked a little to TinkyBoo from outside the gate. She was whining and trying to get a bigger glimpse of me and all I could do was to reassure that I love her very very much. 


Here's to a family that has a chance to be together, but he doesn't want to...


I love you very much, my fluffy puppy TinkyWinky. You're the most adorable, best and most beautiful doggywoggy in the world.


Another tune to play for Ian Dias from my heart...

Misty Moon

I'm back from my mini darurat-KL, and first thing I see when I come out of the car, is a misty moon. I've been hearing these songs and everything reminds me of him.... 

And something shared where I really love the presentation of this song....

Here's to another weekend alone....