Still Learning...

I know, from experience, that he will never go back to someone once it's gone bad. He's the type of person who will never forget or forgive, and he will liken that going back to a 'losing face' for him. So I already know, that it will never happen between us, ever again. I just give myself hope, just so I can make it through the days.


I know that he hasn't deleted/deactivated his account instead he has just plain old blocked me. Which to me, seems so childish and like he has something to hide. What does he want to hide? His new girlfriend? The new flavour of the week for him? The next big thing? His future wife? So what if I see it? I SHOULD see it, so I can start moving on. But, it's definitely something he wants to hide. I'm not stalking him, I just miss him.


I deleted a whole bunch of people from my friends list. People whom we got to know together/his friends, because, he doesn't want me to be friends with his friends. Then, he should delete those people who were MY friends first, but of course, I'm not going to go up to them and say such things and try to play this stupid childish game of "You were my friend first" because that's just so unbecoming of someone, especially now that we're in the later part of our 20s, a supposed adult, not even YOUNG adult anymore.


I am never going to have a good relationship with him, regardless of what happened and what I did to undo that relationship, because I will never be good enough for him. He constantly tells me (and, ironically, his ex before me) that he wants me to be a better person, to change, to do this and that and this and that, just to live up to his bloody quotient of an ideal partner. He has to wake up and realise that he himself is not perfect. No one is. There is no such thing as a perfect partner, but there is such a thing as a perfect relationship.


One where both accept and realise that they both have flaws and are willing to work things out. Yes, it was great while it lasted, but I get this metallic taste in my mouth everytime I think of him. Kinda like when you bite your finger and taste a little blood. He has successfully eliminated, bit by bit, all good feelings that I have towards him, and replaced them with bitter, self-loathing emotions.


I really feel sick right now, thinking of how much anger, hatred and childish acts he has resorted to since we broke up. No one will ever be the person he wants them to be, because eventually, in any relationship, you have to compromise with their faults, as well as get someone who will willingly do the same with you.


How could I have ever thought that he was really The One? Deep down I still do, but it just sickens me that I would invest so much emotion and love in someone who just obviously blows hot and cold at his own whims. He will love you so intensely for some time, and then, start to find fault with you, push you into a corner until you have nowhere to go, no one to talk to, then when you try to escape due to the pent-up sadness and frustration you have inside, he will blame all else on you, heap the coals on your head, until you are a broken down person, while he cavorts with the newest thing on his block.


It makes me sick really. Right now, I feel like he's like alcohol and I've had so much to drink, and I'm having a massive hangover, with waves of nausea yet with nothing to puke out.


Oh god, can't wait to throw out all reminders of him soon. And do up the house so bloody nice, that it'll look like he's never even been here.


Ergh. He doesn't even pretend to be civil, when calling me up to demand for his money back. He skipped few payments because he said he needed to buy a laptop, and my mom put in the cash. Instead he goes and blows it all on some whore-eating, disease-catching trip with womaniser-friends in Bangbangkok. And now, he says he needs the money to buy a laptop. Gee. I'm not that stupid.


And another thing that I hate, he doesn't care about TinkyWinky, lets her sleep outside in a crowded, hot and small porch while he goes out on weekends, doesn't come home because he's probably stuck in some girl's room, telling her how he loves her, before he bangs her. I'm actually thinking of getting a different shift, just so I can take care of TinkyWinky, but it's not so soon, and well, I don't want to look like I'm poaching her away from him, and give him even more ammo to destroy my name/reputation or whatever is left of it once he's done with bitching about me to everyone we know.


Job-hopping, irresponsible, inconsistent, rude, mean, cold, passionless, goalless, threatening, abusive, insecure. You've pointed out my flaws - I've fixed them. I hope to God you try to fix yours. Grow up. And grow some balls while you're at it.

When It's Over...

He ecently quoted this "When it's over" which obviously has to mean something. Well, whoever he is now, I get this really weird feeling talking to him, because I feel like he's such a stranger now, so I really don't know. And not a nice one, like he was back in Rainforest. 


What I would give, to go back to that moment, and start over.

The Boundaries of my love....

The ways I showed him I love him:


I would save up all my angpow money, so I could actually buy him things that I knew he would enjoy for a very long time 
- his PS2, because he badly wanted it, (on the verge of the launch of the PS3), which I cracked my head badly to look for, as I don't know much about PS2 prices
- the iPod 160GB because he loves music and has tons of it and always loves listening to music wherever he is, something I've always wished for, but never had the heart to spend the money on, for myself.
- the Harmon Kardon iPod dock sound system that looks like a modern boombox, which brings back memories of the 80s, and yet, is kick-ass better than Altec Lansing, which I was looking for like mad, when I took him out for his birthday massage in Circle massage and dinner at Bubba Gump's in the Curve. The massage was awesome, I must save up and go try one day, because they have these lavly rattan woven cocoons which are your rooms, and really nice looking stuff. I never even walked in to the place, except to bring him there. After blasting the eardrums of so many people, staff and customers alike, I finally decided on the Harmon Kardon, which I got later on.
- the Sennheiser head phones, when he wanted Skullcandy, whereas, I thought quality over style, and I looked high and low, for great sound which was somewhat similar to the Skullcandy ones. Personally, the Sennheiser noise blocking system looks way more comfortable than Skullcandy ones, and it comes with leather covered cushions and gold-plated cables. Wachaaww!


In the beginning, I didn't have much to spend, and so, I usually bought him bottles of Southern Comfort, because I knew, he didn't have the heart to buy those bottles but he loved it so much, that they would finish really fast, and so I did. Those bottles sit in the refrigerator now, holding water, with the date and occasions they were bought for.


I always knew when he was hungry, and would always try to get him good food. I know he likes creamy stuff, and looked for recipes containing his favourite ingredients, like bacon, cheese, mayonnaise, eggs and whatnot. I always tried to make him dishes that I knew he would love, and so came up with things that he said he loves (but I think now, it's different) like poached eggs (because he likes runny yolks) on luncheon meat (he loves pork) and white bread (he loves Gardenia).


He didn't use to drink coffee, but he eventually started, and we both love Coffee Bean, and so, he only drank Ultimate Vanilla Ice Blended (with coffee), and so I thought of making super ice cold milky coffee, and came up with, well, there's no name for it except for Ian's coffee. A non-alcoholic version of Bailey's, which he also loves.


He loves bacon and mayonnaise, and so I made tomatoes, stuffed with bacon, onion, parsley & mayonnaise, which is the only way he eats tomatoes anyways.


He so badly wanted an awesome old-school car, and when he got it, I loved seeing the look on his face when he drove it. When he got into an accident, I lent him some savings so he could repair the car, and drove him to work, the airport, at wee hours in the mornings, worked night job and had classes at the same time. I would get followed by weird people at 4am in the morning, go sleep outside a dark lonely college until it was time for classes, because that would be the only time I had. I would rush back from work just to send him to work, and then rush off to class again, being on my feet the whole day, and then come back, and fetch him, and then worry about what he'd want to eat for dinner. A hungry penguin is an angry grumpy penguin.


I knew he loves car shows, Taxi, Saw, Fast and Furious, so when I went back to Penang, I would go to the DVD shop and hunt for all those DVDs, just so we could sit back and watch those together.


All these things I did, he'd say that I was a spendthrift, and didn't know how to control my money. Yes, I do buy clothes now and then, and I enjoy getting something small every time, but it can never be as much as the money I actually am willing to spend for him. I would never dare, until now, to buy myself anything even though I badly want it, but I know, he LOVES these things, and so....


One of the last birthdays, I didn't know what to get him, and so I hunted around for the Stadium Arcadium by RHCP, and the next round, I got him the albums from Avenged Sevenfold. Those were really hard to find. 


If we didn't break up, I already had so many things lined up in my Bookmarks tabs, of all the things I wanted to get him. Original band tour Tshirts, candy skull Zippo, candy skull & pin-up paraphernelia, and oh well, actually, a Schechter guitar, if it must be said.


Oh yeah, I also designed the pink acoustic guitar for him. All the nights he was complaining and quarreling with me, I was actually spending drawing up the sketch, trying to incorporate things that he loves (skulls, stars, "Living Art", pink) into a guitar and the other days painting it and going all worried because it might not turn out perfect.


All the times I would get up in the middle of the night to make him food, as fast as possible, so that he could go to sleep.


Taking him to buy plants and buying the bamboo plant, even though I had to skimp a lot for the month, because it was too costly.


I don't look at money when I love someone, because I'd rather spend it on him, because it will make him happy.


And he says I don't appreciate the value of money, I sleep my life away, amongst other things. All those things he says to me hurts, because, I always had him at heart, when I did those things. Yes, I was super bitchy, but, it all came out, because we had so many petty issues we did not resolve, and it started to come out.


I also went on a board game craze, because I wanted to start staying home a little more, spend more time with him, but I don't think that made a point.


Seriously, if I got a windfall, the first things I think about are getting him the things he's always wanted. Like, a laptop, a sound system for TV and for the laptop (oh yeah, I spotted one, with Harmon Kardon sound system, perfect for him). Oh yeah, and the times I had backache, spending so many hours rearranging his entire music library, so it would look good on his new iPod go to waste. I "only spend time sleeping and drinking".


Sigh.


The boundaries of my love? None. In a heartbeat, I would be there for him. All he has to do is ask.

All is not lost....

All is not lost I guess...

Last night, I dropped by to see TinkyWinky, and Ian's Dad was outside, getting ready to take the doggies for a walk. I saw Ian looking at me from inside, and then he disappeared. I played with her for a bit, and she was being a lovely one as usual, and just as I was about to go, I asked Ian's dad, what time they were going to walk, as it was getting late. He said, he was waiting for Ian to come out.

Just as I exited the gate, he came out. So obvious he was avoiding me.

Seriously... I have no time, even though we have so much we love to do together, so much that we do so well and having so many things that just explode when we both put our heads together, but I don't have the time for people who act so childish and cowardly.

Yes, I know, I still love him, but I think, I'm in love with the Ian I used to know. This.... person now, is totally different. He's cold, mean, rude, childish, cowardly, irresponsible, drifting between jobs, backhanded and frankly, I'm surprised I still try to hold a good view of him.

Oh well. To each his own. I do not want to love anyone yet, because I'm tired of loving him so much, and have him turn worse by the day. But who am I to judge ay? I know he can be a better person, but the fact that he doesn't want to, well, that's a trait in itself.

There will always be someone out there, who can be the one who holds my wrinkly hand to sleep, and it does not necessarily stop at him. The only regret, is losing TinkyWinky.

God removes him for a better reason? So that I can finally stand on my own two feet, discover the real me, and grow up in a shorter amount of time, so I can realise my dreams, potential, and meet someone who is willing to accept me for who I am.

That in mind....let's work it out through this coming week.

This is how I heal.... I guess...

Recently, two quotes have been said to me, from two good friends, who, I believe, can't stomach seeing me sad....


1. Evelayn: "Believe that God puts people in your life for a reason, and removes them from your life for a better reason."


2. Shan-Ti: "When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal."

Those words are comforting, yet it comes with a history of broken hearts, broken bonds that can't be repaired, mistakes that can't be fixed, people you will never be with again....

Anyways, as I was doing a little gardening (my soul searching happens most during these times nowadays), it came to me, that I no longer need to drink to fall asleep.

"Wise" words (trying) coming along now...

Being able to fall asleep comes from a clear conscience (which I previously did not have, my whole life).
A clear conscience comes from truly knowing that you can never change what people think and how they act. It also comes from you reconciling that fact with the decision to make life of the people who matter and those around you, much better, by seeing the best in them and the best in everything that happens, and communicating that to them.


Just a thought, which I would love to start...

I'd imagine myself, sending an email to the people who matter most to me, asking them, what they'd say at my funeral, and also, what I'd say at theirs (not wishing them sueyness, but just thinking of them as a person, and how I remember them) because, I think, if we'd act like that everyday, we'd appreciate each other more. And, of course, it's so sad, that we never get to hear those things said at our funeral, which, I think, would have made a lot of difference when said when we're still alive.

Hah. Starting a Chain Letter: Your Epitaph by Me.

Oh well, just a thought. Be great if someone out there picks it up.

Well, words of wisdom aren't so wise yet, it does not encompass all and promise to solve all problems in one paragraph, but, I'm learning and healing at the same time.

Walk with me, will you?

Tunes for the week...

Happy 6th Anniversary

How it all came about:


I was on the verge of being single for about 2 years, while attending art school with my besties StitchRex and YzmaEelyn. StitchRex was in a relationship with SadSimon, who ended up getting a job at Rainforest Pub in Sunway, where us 3 girls used to hang out, for great wood-fired pizzas and an occasional drink during our later gossip sessions.


So one night, we were having some food and beers at Rainforest, this guy comes over, in baggy khaki pants, the black Rainforest t-shirt, a red bandana on his forehead, so close to his eyes that it covered his eyebrows, and serves us our beers. Then he looks over at YzmaEelyn who's doing Perspective drawing on her artboard and starts talking non-stop, asking us where we're from, and saying that he's doing Interior Architecture in Limkokwing and how he loves it all and blablabla.


We were at first, pleasantly surprised, but as he went on and on, YzmaEelyn and StitchRex were exchanging looks, because the conversation was getting longer and longer. The boss walks by, says he's the new bartender, and then tells him to go do something. Bubbly bartender walks off, and the sleazy boss talks to us, asking us how the food is and all.


The next day, we were outside, this time, just having some food, in the early evening, when SadSimon comes over to us, and saying he wanted to tell me something

"Julia, the bartender asked me to ask you, if he can give you his number."

And so, I said, "Er, it's okay. No thank you."

SadSimon goes back inside for a bit, comes out again, and says,

"His name is Ian, and he asked me to tell you that he's not Malay."

We all laugh, because that's so random, but I eventually don't take his number nor give him mine.


That weekend, 3 of us went over to StitchRex's place to have a stayover, Friday night, as we were going up to Genting to have CoffeeBean and have StitchRex's brother test out his new engine. That night itself, when we were having a good laugh over standup comedies, my phone beeped. I looked at it and a message from an unknown number said:

"Hi I'm Ian the bartender from rainforest. how's your weekend going?"

 And I replied that I was at my bestie's place having a sleepover because we were going up to Genting for coffee the next day. And so, we texted each other a few times, and that was it. 


After coming back to my room in Sunway, getting ready for the week of classes, one night, I get a text from IanBartender, asking me if I would like to go out for a drink at a mamak. Having no car back then, I told him so, and he said that he would fetch me. Now, thinking over and over and over, I finally told him where I stayed, and he said that he would fetch me after sending something to his friend's place. So I got ready, and mooched around the lappy for a bit, until he said he was outside.


Outside, I saw this little Kancil, with a guy I could barely recognize from Rainforest, because I had no remembrance of him. There he was, in baggy khakis, a short sleeved shirt, and that bandana over his eyes again. And I was thinking to myself, "Ohmygod, I better not get killed/raped/kidnapped tonight." And then, I opened the door and sat inside.


He smelt wonderful, but I think, the both of us had over-enthusiastically sprayed too much perfume, and over the mingling smells of both our scents, he complimented mine. Which was really sweet of him. And so, he took me to a nearby mamak in SS15, Darussalam, which was his favourite hangout, and we only had ONE drink each, and that talk lasted from, if I remember rightly, 10 something at night, to 8am the next morning.


He sent me back, and he went to work, I went to classes, and that night itself, we went to the same mamak again, but this time, I brought my good friend, DarshenC, in case Ian got any ideas, and also in a weird way, for Darshen to kinda give Ian the acid friend test. Turns out, Darshen's older sis and Ian were good friends back in church, and they have tons of mutual friends. We all have a good night, and go back home.


The next day, we meet up again, and sit down and talk and talk and talk. And the next afternoon, he takes me to Taipan Subang Burger King, where we eat burgers, and he tells me that you can actually see Genting from there. It's slightly misty and drizzly, and then he asks if I want to have a drink. I agree, he jumps over the rail saying that he's going back to get the bottle of his most favourite drink, Southern Comfort, and that he'll be back soon.


I actually wait quite long, and I get really cold and wondering how the heck I'm going to get back if he turns out to be a weird guy who just walked away. But, he comes back and we get into his car. I'm shivering, and he sees that, and offers his jacket, which is a really cool DHL jacket from his dad's old job. Somehow, somewhere, I sneak a tiny sniff, and it smells absolutely wonderful. A little bit of home, perfume and his smell, which smells so right. We eventually make it back to my room. I make him stay outside in the hall for a quite long, while I clear up my super messy room, and then finally we sit down and start chatting away, while having sips of Southern Comfort.


We get a nice buzz from the drinks, and start daring each other to do the silliest things in the world, and laugh our asses off at each other. Then, somehow, I ask him if he wants to stay over, and he agrees. I take a bath, and later on, he tells me that HE sneaks a sniff at my pillow and he likes the smell of me, my shampoo which he finds on it. He also takes a bath, while I make a makeshift bed of comforters and blankets on the floor, with a blanket for him, and my baby blanket for myself.


We both lie down, chat a little more, and then, he looks at me, his face slightly pink, and asks me, "Can I kiss you?"


I blush, and say nothing, and bury myself under the sheets, laughing shyly. He asks again, and I look up at him, and say, "I'm too shy!!" We kinda laugh and muck our way around it, and he asks again, really seriously, and so we kiss.


And before we made sweet love, the moment just before it, he looks into my eyes, and whispers, "I love you." I didn't hear him clearly, and I say, "What was that?" and he shakes his head shyly and says nothing. 


One week later, he takes me out to dinner, at his favourite restaurant in Taipan, Pizza Uno, and then, he says he's taking me to a surprise place. We end up going to Sunway Pyramid, and we're walking towards Rainforest. He asks me to sit down at one of the pillars, the skylights are moving and shining, the buzz of people walking around, and then he drops down on one knee, and asks me,

"Will you be my girlfriend, Julia Ung?" 

From that day on, we were inseparable.


Happy 6th Anniversary, my soulmate.

To Arthur

Just watched the movie, Arthur, starring Russell Brand. It's awesome possums!


You know what? I'm kinda like him I guess. And there's gotta be a male Naomi out there, who can overlook all those flaws and see the real me and be willing to give me chances.


Too bad Ian doesn't want to. *shrugs*


I'll find someone who will.


Oh yah. And my faux friends, you can come back now. I think I'm kinda climbing up already on my own. Here's to getting stronger and making a comeback.

Avoidance...

He's avoiding me, which is fine. Just don't stop me from seeing TinkyWinky. It's not fair to her! Huh... I really really really don't know why I still think I'm in love with a guy who acts like a bastard half the time.


Oh well, that's life. Anyhoos, since I'm on MC, I've got the garden going, the pots I got recently look awesome and I've already planned out my next few month's projects with my salary.


Here's to a paradise in progress...

Beauty & The Beast

Burned my hand quite badly today, grabbing a super hot pan handle and the best part was, I couldn't let go, coz it was sticking a little. o___O!


Oh well, everyone really rallied around me and were super concerned, which is super sweet, and I made it home, driving my manual white bug, safely, thank God.


Now... to make it through the night, and if its really bad tomorrow, I'll go see a doctor. Hoping that they'll bandage it super tight, so it gets numb, so I can continue and work. Sigh.... Looking at long white streaks on my palm right now... wonder what human meat tastes like.




And, yeah, heard that Bow Chica Wow Wow song just before coming back. Well, no chance anymore, he's a really changed person now. Doesn't care about anything or anyone, or their feelings, except whoever he's with now I guess. So rude and cold, and he's requested that I delete the pics on FB that have us together. AND he also deleted his account.


I can only hope and pray that someone will give him so much love, and change him back into that wonderful person I love and know. Beast after all, is still a prince under all that. He's a good man. He is. I believe in him, even if he doesn't believe in anything now.


Goodbye Ian Penguin...

Whatever Life Brings

Do whatever you want, because you deserve to
Do whatever you will, because I can't say no
Do whoever you please, because you can, dear
Do whatever you want, but I will still be waiting here

Somebody Sweep Me Off My Feet...

Someone out there, tell me you love me for who I am, tell me that I am your only one, sweep me off my feet, and we can put on that Bow Chica Wow wow...


This song just thrills me to my core somehow, it's just a melody that happens when you're with that person you love, all the sensations and feelings coming together....


That guitar bit brings me back to those days of us looking into each others eyes, in fact, the first time we spent the night together....

TinkyWinky Smell...

Before this, I used to love what I call, Sun Smelllll....


It's the smell of any cloth that has been out in the hot sun for ages, and it has that lovely warm, sun smell. 


I just saw TinkyWinky just now, and she kept throwing herself at me, rubbing her head all over me, and now I have her smell on me.


I have 5 favourite smells, Sun Smell, my Mom's smell, TinkyWinky smell, old books smell and..... his smell.


*sniffs the air but smells none of those except for TinkyWinky smell*

Scars

This would so be the song he would sing to me I think...

Who do I think I am?

i know for a fact that i am nothing without him.

no one wants to marry a nothing nobody.

What else can I do....

but wait?


My heart is fully broken, my soul is beyond redemption, even though he looks through me like a piece of stained and broken glass, with no recognition of love in his eyes, I still love him dearly.


I search the house for remnants of his smell, I even smile when I see a hair of his when I clean the house, all these things are slowly disappearing as the days go by.


I still can imagine him around the house, doing what he loves doing, playing music, strumming on the guitar, jumping around and just lying on the floor, thinking and manjaing, or even our mini wrestling sessions.


That night, after I ran to him, and he looked at me, like I was a piece of dirt, like I really meant nothing to him, like I was just a nuisance, it really broke me.


I have to come to terms to it. Despite all the hurting words and things he keeps repeating to me, I still wait here, with so much love in my broken heart. I still love him, with all my soul, which has such a deep wound, that it will never really heal inside, even though it has scarred over on the outside.


What else can I do to let him know that I have so much love to give him and so much that I'd sacrifice to be with him, even the precious hours of my sleep, just to smell him, just to hug him to sleep, just to hold his hand and have him grasp mine back, just to lie down with him, and run my hands over his fuzzy knees, just to sit there in silence and look into his beautiful eyes, and see love shining back at me from them, just to do all those things we know we both love to do, and do them together in our little bubble of love, with that mutual understanding that can only come through tests of time and faith and trouble, that we are so comfortable with each other, and yet, have so many things out there that we can do, new things that we can explore together as partners.


Yes, you, yes YOU. I still love you. 


Goodnight sweetie, my heart is forever parked under that cherry tree in Piggyland. Sir ErnieBernie still hovers around, waiting to ignite those butterflies and pink pigs in your Penguin stomach.

Gardening to calm the soul...

Went out and splurged a bit on plants and earth from the nursery in Sunway.
Finally, covered up the holes in the grass, left by him when he uprooted all the things we got together. The warm, moist fragrance of the red and black earth mixing reassured me, that there will always be chances.


Slowly but surely, I'm going to make this garden a paradise.


If only it were with him.

Weeds

Every few nights after work, I come back, and pull out weeds from the garden. Doing this is therapeutic in its own way, while allowing me to have a few thoughts, winding down after a hard day's work. 


Mainly, I wish he was standing at the porch door, having a ciggie, while he's washing down the area, while I clear up the garden, with TinkyWinky gamboling like a mini-pony. We'd both enjoy it together, I'm sure. Quality time spent with the one you love.


Another, which I thought about today, was that relationships are like gardens. It's calming, soothing and pays you back in little ways. It needs a lot of nurture, care, understanding, some new things every now and then, stays with you through rain or shine, and weeds? Weeds are like problems. It starts out as a random seed, spread by air, birds or any other agent. At first one or two spring up. If you're lazy and say, "Ah, it's okay. I'll leave that for another day" then the roots start to grow. If you pluck it out while it's still 'young', the roots come out easily. If you let it grow, the roots grow stronger and deeper, and soon it's a whole network of roots. Some areas have more weeds than others, some weeds are easy to deal with, some need more work. When you weed, you have to stick your fingers in, feel around and identify the weed from the grass. Often, after weeding, you also lose a little grass here and there, there might be empty patches in certain places, but the grass will grow back again. But, no matter how much time and effort you spend, there will always be new weeds. So you just deal with those, as they come, because, the best thing, is to nip it in the bud, before it grows huger and before you know it, your garden is totally overrun by weeds.


Relationships like gardens, also can be shaped and pruned according to your fancy. Talking to your plants makes them grow better, particularly, positive speech. You can design it how you want, and as it grows, you also change with it, because the shaping, planting and nurturing can be done, but nature also takes her own path with it.


If you're overrun with weeds, you can uproot everything, start again from scratch. The land is always there with new chances and opportunities, and when you plant everything, and give it the care and nurturing it needs, it will always grow back.


The smell of earth just tells me, that there are always chances to change, improve, start new and forge on... and so I wait here, with hope....

Saturday Night Melody

Just as I was driving back from work, this came on the radio... So many songs mirroring my feelings, but this is SO TRUE.

A Real Tragedy

i just need him to hold me while i'm crying all this out...
i will hold him and let him let all his hurt and anger out...


i know tonight, and other nights from now, i will cry and hurt alone.


but tonight, i really want to just hold him while we let it all out together.

i hate myself

i hate myself so much for doing all those things to him


i hate myself for realising too late


i had that moment, when he came over to discuss the final details, that when he left, i had that moment, when you know you throw everything away just to run after that person, that do or die moment, in the movies, that conviction that you know that person is for you, and that you really can't throw it away this time, i did, i ran after him, and when i held his hand, he had a look of disgust on his face, and he said, 'don't, it doesn't feel right', and he asked me to go away, while his mom looked at me through the window, like i was a perfect stranger, like i have had nothing to do with them at all ever, and all he could say was, 'please go to your house' 'go back'.


i felt the earth sway beneath my feet when he had that blank look in his eyes, like who the hell does she think she is? he said, 'he's over that phase of erniebernie' and all the stuff i gave him, he doesn't want back.


i hate myself i hate myself for being so fucking stupid!!! and selfish!!!! 


they never show you the ending when a person runs after someone, throwing all caution and everything to the wind, and the other person just stands there and says, 'NO.'


you know why?


coz its just a blank screen, full of tears, self loathing, nothingness...


















God.... please..... why do i keep breaking down in front of him? i want to show him that i'm strong, i don't want him to see me cry because i know he hates when i cry coz those are all crocodile tears and just reminds him of the lies and deceit. no matter how my heart breaks and the tears never stop, they will always be crocodile tears to him. i will always be a cheating bitch to him, one who turned him into a savage untrusting beast, whom i want to earn his trust again, i want to work it out, he tames his anger, while i give him all the love he deserved and deserves...


i can't stop writing here, even though he says he reads my blog, because this is the only place i can talk and let my emotions out. i have no more friends, my phone doesn't ring anymore because i am in this place where only he matters. 


God, please..... you gave me a sign the other day. my heart still continues to break... i still have faith, but what is it You're trying to tell me? because all i hear is silence... but i really felt that super strong conviction just now, and he's just on the other side of the wall i built, hurting even more and i want to break down that wall, so i can let him see and feel how much i've changed and how much i want to make all things right. 


this house is so full of echoes from my cries everynight, and i cry and cry and cry alone. always... noone can know how deep this hurt goes, even rex was shocked at how i cried, but it doesn't matter to ian. the minute i cry, he gets disgusted and angry and just walks off. i repulse you don't i? you hate me? i hate me too.... 


i will always be here waiting. even if you're long gone, far gone...
i will always be hoping, you don't have to worry, because it's my choice.
i want to wait. because i know. i know deep down inside we ARE soulmates.

Don't Forget Me...

Don't forget me, that Chinese girl who 'never had a mirror til she was 9', says, " I see a little kitten coming... I see a little being", "Red... Green.... Yelllow.... Bleuuu...!"


because I never forget


you and your OCD 5cm minimal distance of objects, your adorable and unique handwriting, your favourite drinks, you lugging around ErnieBernie in your backpack looking like an adorable compact Penguin-package, that 'gray look' in your eyes when you leave my Sunway house and how we'd spend time trying to say goodbye at the gate, how you cover your eyes with pillows/close them/peek through your fingers when you watch scary movies, your endearing laugh when you are truly tickled (physically and mentally) and so much more...


Look at the amount of magical goodness we had, and step into the future with me by your side.

Unrequited

I guess it's a good thing when you have unrequited love because


- you appreciate every single moment that person is near you
- any look/talk/text/response gives you tingles that makes your whole day
- you cherish those moments spent with that person, even though they won't ever last, because they don't last, rather than having that person around everyday and ending up taking them for granted


But it sucks when they used to love you and all they want now is to be as far away from you as possible.


Hopeless romantic. Sucker for love.


I am.

Someone Like You

Exactly, Adele. 40 and seeing him happily married, and still alone on our own.

I will never find anyone like you...

Only In My Dreams

It feels like you're a ghost, and those pictures we took together are wisps of smoke. 


I don't see you anymore, 
I don't touch you at all, 
even when I finally do, 
It's like it's not real, it's like my dreams have come true....

Another Sunday Another Week

Another Sunday flies by, and the gap between us grows wider...


Random thoughts:


Wanted to watch Mr.Popper's Penguin's with him...


Have so many other restaurants to try out with him...


Passed by his house, they were all out I guess and I talked a little to TinkyBoo from outside the gate. She was whining and trying to get a bigger glimpse of me and all I could do was to reassure that I love her very very much. 


Here's to a family that has a chance to be together, but he doesn't want to...


I love you very much, my fluffy puppy TinkyWinky. You're the most adorable, best and most beautiful doggywoggy in the world.


Another tune to play for Ian Dias from my heart...

Misty Moon

I'm back from my mini darurat-KL, and first thing I see when I come out of the car, is a misty moon. I've been hearing these songs and everything reminds me of him.... 

And something shared where I really love the presentation of this song....

Here's to another weekend alone....

Always here...

I can never change the past, but the future is just a day away, and change can happen in the next second...


I wish he'd believe that, and see that my previous post is just screaming out, "I don't want anyone else. The next one is the next time, the next chance with you." Because... I was angry and needed to vent. I get angry and hurt because I still love him. Him? I think he's silent and quiet, because whatever I do does not mean anything to him anymore. It's all these irritating actions by that evil ex. "I'll just take my money, and then I don't have to have anything to do with her anymore, thank God" is probably what he's thinking.


Sigh.... everything has changed, except my love. Which, ironically, is growing more and more, because I try to think of the best for him, and try my utmost best, to not bug him by texting or calling him. I fail every once in awhile, but I hope to get better...


How do I still let him know that I'm here waiting, faithfully always waiting, without contacting him? Some telepathic connection that penguin soulmates have? Hmmm.... "Network unavailable" "Call has been blocked"


All I can do, is hope and pray. I won't give up. I will wait. Die alone if need be. Somehow, I hope to hover in the background silently, making things work for him and ensuring he doesn't get hurt or harmed in anyway. An invisible guardian angel. That is how much I love him. God speed my love.

So Ironic

Really, am I in love with an asshole? 

Surprising how sometimes you have to beg people to take the money, that in the first place they were bugging you so much about.

Oh well.

I asked, if you're silent, it means you agree.

As in agree that you don't want the money anymore.

Wow. I really don't know him anymore. What a "man" I think I still love.

Pfft. Yes, I still love him. But, oh well, sometimes, you have to wake up from loving jerks and realise you ARE way better off without.

Of course, another epiphany, sadly, from the deepest of my hearts...

I can't live in 57 anymore. I really can't. I can't come back to an empty house, working the hours I do.

I feel so terribly lonely, miserable everytime I come back.

I really need someone to be there for me, to welcome me home, to hug me, make sweet love with me, someone I can smell and cuddle to sleep even for those few precious hours.

Hah. The next one, I'm marrying. *ironic laughter*

So what? I'm copping out?? Nah. I need to start being happy again. REALLY HAPPY.

Not people who call you a "whore" and a "bitch" on your birthday and don't even say nuts to you the whole day, just for the sake of revenge. And also diss everything that you love, your real true passion, just for the sake of revenge.

Of course I deserve better. Next one, you lucky thing, you're getting every single thing he ever wished/dreamed I could give him. And BETTER. Waaaayfriggin'better.

Go ahead with whoever it is, whichever groupie you have in your so-called playboy life.

I'm getting settled down. And you know what? It doesn't matter that you can shag all you like every week, I'm going for the long run, the long term, someone I go home with, come home to, until the days of wrinkly-hand-holding. I'll live my dream of having a big family, and be the grandmama who cooks like crazy everytime family comes back. I love that people get through each others' mistakes, flaws and excuses no matter how huge, because that's what Love is. If he can fall out of love so fast, which I'm still not doing, then it just shows, how "real" it all was. He fell in love with me very fast too, what does that say about him?

Oh, I'm not on a husband hunt. I'm on a happiness hunt, and when I'm happy, imma make the next person so happy as well, that we will see how our relationship is so worth fighting for, no matter what happens.

*Wrinkly hand holding image*

I'm not so afraid of growing older now. We'll both be doing it together.

Auditing is only fun for auditors...

Already my working hours do not grant me a normal life, what more today, I just got back from work just this. Auditors from SFSMS (Safe environment workplace food and hygiene thingies) reached today, so the whole place was thrown into major clean-up. 


Stayed back to make sure all the items were date-marked correctly, things properly placed and cleaned right down to their tiny nooks and crannies.. and the whole time I was just thinking, that Ian had made an appointment with me Monday night. I was so pissed off during service because I knew we would have to stay late that night. Lagi la, phone died.


And, to add to all that, I've to be in the kitchen by 7am, meaning, reach hotel at 6.45am the latest, leave the house by 6am latest. The executive chef's orders. So, I've got 4 lonely hours to sleep, another appointment that tak jadi passes by, I miss him and Tinky so so so so so so so much it's really driving me crazy, and another day forward into that lonesomeness-forever-future. :*-(


Maybe it's for the best, maybe he would have just msged me and said he's not free, came back late and he's tired and whatnot. Yeah, avoidance. It really hurts.


What can I do? Wait..... and wait..... until he is happily married with kids with some beautiful girl who can cook all his favourite dishes and More, and be the one he's always needed and wanted.


Me? Just work work work, and probably be eaten up when I die alone in this house, by my 40 cats and dogs. *sigh*


*another stale piece of KFC, milk and off to a Nap before work... again.*