i hate myself

i hate myself so much for doing all those things to him


i hate myself for realising too late


i had that moment, when he came over to discuss the final details, that when he left, i had that moment, when you know you throw everything away just to run after that person, that do or die moment, in the movies, that conviction that you know that person is for you, and that you really can't throw it away this time, i did, i ran after him, and when i held his hand, he had a look of disgust on his face, and he said, 'don't, it doesn't feel right', and he asked me to go away, while his mom looked at me through the window, like i was a perfect stranger, like i have had nothing to do with them at all ever, and all he could say was, 'please go to your house' 'go back'.


i felt the earth sway beneath my feet when he had that blank look in his eyes, like who the hell does she think she is? he said, 'he's over that phase of erniebernie' and all the stuff i gave him, he doesn't want back.


i hate myself i hate myself for being so fucking stupid!!! and selfish!!!! 


they never show you the ending when a person runs after someone, throwing all caution and everything to the wind, and the other person just stands there and says, 'NO.'


you know why?


coz its just a blank screen, full of tears, self loathing, nothingness...


















God.... please..... why do i keep breaking down in front of him? i want to show him that i'm strong, i don't want him to see me cry because i know he hates when i cry coz those are all crocodile tears and just reminds him of the lies and deceit. no matter how my heart breaks and the tears never stop, they will always be crocodile tears to him. i will always be a cheating bitch to him, one who turned him into a savage untrusting beast, whom i want to earn his trust again, i want to work it out, he tames his anger, while i give him all the love he deserved and deserves...


i can't stop writing here, even though he says he reads my blog, because this is the only place i can talk and let my emotions out. i have no more friends, my phone doesn't ring anymore because i am in this place where only he matters. 


God, please..... you gave me a sign the other day. my heart still continues to break... i still have faith, but what is it You're trying to tell me? because all i hear is silence... but i really felt that super strong conviction just now, and he's just on the other side of the wall i built, hurting even more and i want to break down that wall, so i can let him see and feel how much i've changed and how much i want to make all things right. 


this house is so full of echoes from my cries everynight, and i cry and cry and cry alone. always... noone can know how deep this hurt goes, even rex was shocked at how i cried, but it doesn't matter to ian. the minute i cry, he gets disgusted and angry and just walks off. i repulse you don't i? you hate me? i hate me too.... 


i will always be here waiting. even if you're long gone, far gone...
i will always be hoping, you don't have to worry, because it's my choice.
i want to wait. because i know. i know deep down inside we ARE soulmates.