Still Learning...

I know, from experience, that he will never go back to someone once it's gone bad. He's the type of person who will never forget or forgive, and he will liken that going back to a 'losing face' for him. So I already know, that it will never happen between us, ever again. I just give myself hope, just so I can make it through the days.


I know that he hasn't deleted/deactivated his account instead he has just plain old blocked me. Which to me, seems so childish and like he has something to hide. What does he want to hide? His new girlfriend? The new flavour of the week for him? The next big thing? His future wife? So what if I see it? I SHOULD see it, so I can start moving on. But, it's definitely something he wants to hide. I'm not stalking him, I just miss him.


I deleted a whole bunch of people from my friends list. People whom we got to know together/his friends, because, he doesn't want me to be friends with his friends. Then, he should delete those people who were MY friends first, but of course, I'm not going to go up to them and say such things and try to play this stupid childish game of "You were my friend first" because that's just so unbecoming of someone, especially now that we're in the later part of our 20s, a supposed adult, not even YOUNG adult anymore.


I am never going to have a good relationship with him, regardless of what happened and what I did to undo that relationship, because I will never be good enough for him. He constantly tells me (and, ironically, his ex before me) that he wants me to be a better person, to change, to do this and that and this and that, just to live up to his bloody quotient of an ideal partner. He has to wake up and realise that he himself is not perfect. No one is. There is no such thing as a perfect partner, but there is such a thing as a perfect relationship.


One where both accept and realise that they both have flaws and are willing to work things out. Yes, it was great while it lasted, but I get this metallic taste in my mouth everytime I think of him. Kinda like when you bite your finger and taste a little blood. He has successfully eliminated, bit by bit, all good feelings that I have towards him, and replaced them with bitter, self-loathing emotions.


I really feel sick right now, thinking of how much anger, hatred and childish acts he has resorted to since we broke up. No one will ever be the person he wants them to be, because eventually, in any relationship, you have to compromise with their faults, as well as get someone who will willingly do the same with you.


How could I have ever thought that he was really The One? Deep down I still do, but it just sickens me that I would invest so much emotion and love in someone who just obviously blows hot and cold at his own whims. He will love you so intensely for some time, and then, start to find fault with you, push you into a corner until you have nowhere to go, no one to talk to, then when you try to escape due to the pent-up sadness and frustration you have inside, he will blame all else on you, heap the coals on your head, until you are a broken down person, while he cavorts with the newest thing on his block.


It makes me sick really. Right now, I feel like he's like alcohol and I've had so much to drink, and I'm having a massive hangover, with waves of nausea yet with nothing to puke out.


Oh god, can't wait to throw out all reminders of him soon. And do up the house so bloody nice, that it'll look like he's never even been here.


Ergh. He doesn't even pretend to be civil, when calling me up to demand for his money back. He skipped few payments because he said he needed to buy a laptop, and my mom put in the cash. Instead he goes and blows it all on some whore-eating, disease-catching trip with womaniser-friends in Bangbangkok. And now, he says he needs the money to buy a laptop. Gee. I'm not that stupid.


And another thing that I hate, he doesn't care about TinkyWinky, lets her sleep outside in a crowded, hot and small porch while he goes out on weekends, doesn't come home because he's probably stuck in some girl's room, telling her how he loves her, before he bangs her. I'm actually thinking of getting a different shift, just so I can take care of TinkyWinky, but it's not so soon, and well, I don't want to look like I'm poaching her away from him, and give him even more ammo to destroy my name/reputation or whatever is left of it once he's done with bitching about me to everyone we know.


Job-hopping, irresponsible, inconsistent, rude, mean, cold, passionless, goalless, threatening, abusive, insecure. You've pointed out my flaws - I've fixed them. I hope to God you try to fix yours. Grow up. And grow some balls while you're at it.