At Every Corner...

Everywhere I turn, I see those memories of him and me. Every old friend I meet asks how WE are doing, I just put up a fake smile and say, "Fine." Every time people ask where he is, I say, he's at work, on a holiday, and I'm not there because I just started work and can't get off. It just shows, how we were so well known together, always together, and were rarely apart.


I have to start getting used to spending weekends with no one. It's not easy. My friends do ask me out, but really, all I want to do is to spend my free moments with him. I always imagine, what we'd be doing together if he was here with me.


I was supposed to go to Ikea to pick up a few things that I'd thought about, but it's too heartbreaking. I'll put it off until I can stomach the idea of going there alone. It will never be the same. Never.


All I do on Sundays, is catch up on some rest, stock up on juice and milk, eat a lonely dinner somewhere and just come back to an empty dark house.


I really miss him. ErnieBernie misses him.


It's so strange to hear my own voice because I don't talk anymore. Not after work. Everything just shuts down.


I feel so ill at ease with people, socialising scares me a little, and I just don't know what people see when they see me. I only know myself when I'm in the kitchen. Other than that, I am nothing. Because I went and threw away everything.


Loneliness really hits when after awhile, even when the realisation of being alone has sunk in, the physical needs of being held by someone, having someone to hold hands with, hug and kiss, really really gets to me. I feel like this huge bumbling social porcupine-touch-me-not. Like I really crave the human touch and warmth, but at the same time, I feel that I can't be touched, because the initial shock of it just gives me the weirdest feeling.


I really don't know what's happening to me. Yes, I am working, trying to start a more stable life, becoming domesticated, but something else is happening. I think, I'm slowly losing touch of everything I've ever known to be real, and just retreating into this sad, lonely bubble despite fulfilling my basic needs.


I feel really weird about this. And no one knows. The one person who made life all the better is gone forever. So......     ?