Last Note

you are my fucking car crash
you are my ruin
pinpricks of pain
just to keep it all in
squeezed all the fibres of soul out
of my heart in your iron hands
filled it with veins of glass
crashed it like a wave on the sand
exit this train of thought
buy a one-way ticket at the cinema
cross me at the crossroads
and get drunk at a candy bar
proliferate thoughts
jumble big crosswords
play them charades
and put your marbles in a jar
when will i stop hurting
when will i feel numb
why does numbness amplify all emotion
why does silence amplify all sound
one week ago
5 years ago
i made a mistake
the biggest one of my life
one week later
5 years later
a carcass on one end
a parasite on the other
to continue living
one has to die
to continue loving
one has to lie
i shall not lie
wish i could die
but death is such an inconvenience
a luxury in fact
whereas living reeks of poverty
depravity, despair and ill wind
how can i choose
when it is not my choice to make
how can you decide
when it is not your life it breaks
you don't really care
you nazi bastard of a pig
all you want is what you want
when you want how you want
don't you dare now
push me around
no wonder she threw things at you
because you threw her to the ground
stepped on her heart
stripped her bare of her dignity
her womanliness
her soul
and her personality
one never quite recovers from such a destructive relationship as you
i have given my all
my well is now parched
my land is all barren
my hut razed to the ground
nothing left behind
except a huge scar and desolution
the winds of war
carry the reek of men
through the tattered flags
of their country who has forgotten them
this is what you have reduced me to
scarred battlefield
with no victor but you
and all my bridges burned
you return home triumphant
i wish that my loss will be your loss
but i realise that my loss only makes me lose
i am not a loss
i will not be one
because she has been beguiled by your win, your spoils and your words
walk away, holding your enemy's sceptre
walk away from all decency and human behaviour
are you proud?
will you even be?
if you even understand
half the words
written here
maybe, you might feel even better
because you have won

you
the only one
have won
bravo

Playing Hard To Get

I just realised something, when having a break from watching skins, and going down to prepare some stuff for tonight's dinner. It also brought back a point, which I chanced upon last Sunday, talking to my grandmother, mom, aunty and aunty's friend. It was practically a feminist meeting: One who was widowed, never had a chance for divorce and so put up lovingly with the one man she ever knew for the rest of his life and took it all in with so many kids in tow, the others all divorcees who knew the intricacies or rather, didn't know the intricacies of man, until too late, and me, one who was to embark upon a journey. The journey, of say, an ultimatum, of either singledom, or a life of (currently) uncertainty and doubt.

The conversation went on to discuss how one could now pay 15K and get the ashes of a loved one, compacted, through a complicated scientific process and thereby produce a diamond where one can wear that person's ashes around one's neck, in remembrance. Gram found it morbid, the others found it unnecessary expense. And then, Gram said, well, if they can make diamonds this way, then why weren't people making diamonds this way to sell? Since diamonds are the result of intense pressure acting upon the molecules of carbon. Interesting fact, which by the way, we had to explain extremely patiently to a woman who loves diamonds. :)

Hold on.. the point of the story is coming, it's just my way of telling a story. Hehe. Long winded, I know, but I'm building the environment from which I draw my inspirations and revelations from, so let's not linger on by me explaining this part of me...

And then, just know, I for the first time, peeled petai. :) Yes, the veritable stinkbean. It's the first time, I've ever encountered the stinkbean in all its pod and glory, because, incidentally, I've never really liked it much until about a year ago, where in a mamak, tucked away in a quiet area in Subang, I ate the Nasi Goreng Petai, fried rice with the bean, and fell in love. Hence passed a phase, where everything I ordered was with it. It was Maggi Goreng with it, Naan with it, beef fried in tumeric with it. Any possible combination, I would want petai in it. So anyways, this is my first attempt at cooking it and also my first attempt at cooking my Gram's famous sambal petai, which, I always avoided the beans and just savoured the sambal. Don't ask me why, I was ignorant at that time. :)

So yes, I was peeling it, the outer green pods, more like an enlarged pea pod, made me think of peas. You know, where u peel it, it has that little see through white sack, and you kinda shell it, by popping it and the little green pea flies out. So, easy peasy (pun intended) I tried. So much for that and its relations to peas. It's more like the ginkgo nut. Where you have to crack the shell, peel off its crappy scaly dry skin and then gouge out the bud with a needle. Except, there's no gouging. But the peeling is.... omg... it's so time consuming. Hence, why I now see why they charge so much for peeled petai. Of course, it doesn't have the famed medicinal value of improving memory and whatnot, but it is also claimed to be a blood cleanser, somewhat like the Neem leaf, in Indian Ayurvedic traditional medicine and of course, it stinks up your pee for the next several gos. Pity on those who access the loo after you.

So, I stray. But yes. Then it got me thinking, about the whole scenario, you know. Word association in my mind:

Stink bean = Durian = Inaccessible = Lovely = Coveted = Diamonds = Hard to get = Value

So, then it got me thinking.. that's it! That's the answer I've been looking for.

Kind of, one of the small mysteries of life solved...

People never want what they can get. Or rather, they wouldn't appreciate or value something they can get easily. Hear me out. I know, it's so typical.

But, yes. See in relationships, we always want what we can't get. Imagine, if we could have diamonds all day, it wouldn't be as precious. So, therefore, you should always play hard to get. My advice to my daughters: Play hard to get, not easy, but not TOO hard to get.

So I reflected on my life, and of course, the whole skins episodes came into play, where this guy, Sid, loves his best mate's girlfriend Michelle, but he can't get her. And there's this girl Cassie, who's just throwing herself at him, despite his obvious nerdiness, and he just doesn't see it, whereas, he's going around, talking to every conscious and unconscious girl, trying to get a shag, whereas, Cassie is just there, waiting for him. So yes, that's it. I shall no longer entertain those who play hard to get, and I myself, will climb onto that highest tree and stay there.

Don't get me wrong here. I'm not playing that game. I want to be not gotten at all. Some say it is momentary. I think..I've had my fair share of life. Let me take a rest from it all, and fade away for a bit. Who knows? I might just enjoy it and forever be exiled, happy and not vulnerable. Hm. That's a thought.

Well.. Cheerio! Off to my shameless video-haggling.

Friday I'm In Love

Well, boring weeks must oneday come to an end, and it looks like this is the last Friday before I head off to facing the books again. Let's hope I can somehow muster up a job, get this irritating laptop off my hands, and a Mac in its place, and of course, *sigh* be on my way to graduating.

Sadly, though,in these last few days I've just delighted upon this really interesting series called skins. I was running hopelessly, waiting for new episodes of Cougar Town and Secret Diary of A Call Girl, and *horror* Gossip Girl, where the clothes are beautiful, but that irritating twang of American girls (minus Blake Lively, thank God) just got on my nerves, as well as the whole soap-opera-ish mode despite the obvious polishing up achieved by good cameras, lighting, expensive clothes and wonderfully made-up males. Forgive me, if that's not your cup of tea by me saying so, but I just can't sit through The OC, One Tree Hill, Gossip Girls and definitely not American Idol.

But, I've been enjoying MAD Tv's spoofs, despite the lack of dry, Brit humour *ahem* and the obvious, sometimes cliche takes they do on all those shows. There are redeeming qualities, which I feel mostly for, the moments which people take racism and make it funny. I mean, what's the big deal about racism? I know, I know... it's derogatory and offensive, but it's fine when people like Russell Peters make fun of it, so why not others? For one, Bobby Lee is funny and of course, I keep up with The Station as well as KassemG who are all really funny. Come on, even I faced persecution from my own race, just because I couldn't speak Chinese. Well, now I can. Slightly, but I seem to be forgiven lately, a little more leniency since I turned blonde. Hah, so far, the only thing I've benefited since the conversion.

Well, here's to a day, full of promises for disappointment...
Planning dinner for today: nasi lemak, sambal petai, maybe some deepfried lemongrass squid or something. Maybe I should do a nasi lemak kerabu.. Hmmm....

Well, cooking and drinking keeps me happy...

Moods for the days before, and from yesterday, til now:
1. Apathetic
2. Numb
3. Higher immunity to alcohol
4. Listless
5. Inability to concentrate
6. Restless
7. Insomnia-Hypersomnia
8. Bored as hell
9. Anger
10. Hmm... just to complete it... emptiness.

Gee... I wonder....

Heartbreaker

What do you say to your own mother, when she says she wants to die, living life this way, when she did all she could to persuade you from doing so all this while?
Especially, when you yourself, have been feeling this way for so long.

I was speechless.

City Affair

I just finished watching New York I Love You, and at first sight, I thought it was going to be like Valentine's Day - the American version of Love Actually. But, several minutes into the show, I noticed how desolate everything seems to the many types of people, running through their lives in the largest, busiest city in the Land of Dreams. Everyone has that American Dream idealogy imprinted in their minds, even the Americans themselves, and it seems as if, everyone had their dreams broken and shattered drastically. Or even the typical story of unrequited love and unfulfilled desires of the alcoholic painter, who was so enamoured by the curves and expression on a Chinese girl's face, who asked her to sit for him, because he had not been able to capture her eyes, only to die before she finally went to look for him. Even the man and woman, who never hit it off at first, that they actually had a decent conversation and allowed their attraction to develop naturally, after having an alcohol-fueled night together, realised that they actually felt very deeply for each other and wondered if the other person felt the same, but due to the nature of their encounter, had so many doubts. The lone girl who would go around, videoing the scenes in the city, discovering so many emotions and gestures of the people who usually are just occupied in getting someplace, somewhere, now now, fast fast. The fatality and rarity of human connection in a place so full of people, all just touching, meeting, talking but rarely ever looking at each other for who they are.

I guess, it speaks to me. Since, I also want to make it to New York someday. No, not because of the whole American Dream, but just to see if I can actually make it there. That's the place that'll decide if you can achieve greatness or just fall back and go home, tail between your legs.

I don't know really, if it will ever come true. Am I jinxing it, just by writing it out here? Or, I should just get out of this train of thought, this endless subway ride and buy a ticket back home?

Hmmm.... apathy strikes again. With a tinge of hopelessness.

Let's see what tomorrow brings, because, today, I have nothing to look forward to.

Life in Ink

meaningless randomnities
who am i kidding eh
writing this all here
baring my soul for the world to see
and it shows
my nonexistentialism
i am not seen
noone notices
noone knows
noone cares
noone there

I am going for my next inking.

I swear this, will be something, so potent to my soul
it means so much to me, that I will look at it and forever be reminded
of what, who, where, when and how i do not want to be

THE REMINDER

never regret the ink i commit to
never look back and say what did i do?
always a lesson in life, a permanent reminder
of the things that made me who i am today
the hurt, the love, the mistakes and the ways
i should've, could've and would've taken
but didn't
and so...

am forever forsaken.


goodnight deadeyes
whomsoever may read this
just don't start to analyse me
i've had enough of it
dont care, please do
oh no, dont
because i don't want to
cry those teardrops of rain
like i used to

Happy Being Miserable

Why is it so, that ones I hold dearest to my heart, do not understand me, and the most unexpected people do?

I am not wasting away, as most would think. I am just waiting.

Just waiting for that person. The one who could unravel the mysteries to my heart.

The one to decode all my nonsense and whining and bravado, and just pull me aside, to hug me and say, "Hey, it's all okay. I'm here for you."

Prince Charming, is a charming idea, an IDEA, mind you, not a fact. Not a reality.

He who does not exist, except for in our, or my, twisted mind.

I want someone, who just knows, what it is, to be in my shoes.

To know how to pull me out. How to bring me in from the rain. How to cheer me up. How to talk to me, in my worst and ugliest moments. How to care, without having to say so much. How to be there. How to know, what it is I need, right there, without even having to pry it out of me.

Is this unreal? A figment of my imagination? An unreachable height by which I forego everything that comes my way?

I think not. I think.... my cousins are right.

Maybe, they didn't want to settle, by settling down.

I believe, somewhere out there, that personality is waiting.

What if it will never happen? Will never come true? That he meets up with someone else?

Then... perhaps, I will just go on my journey, as I started it.

Alone.

I do not want the company I keep right now.

It all cries out to me, as soulless and with ulterior motives.

Or perhaps, I am just destined to walk this path alone.

Some people are, aren't they?

Well, Julia, better get used to it.

Losing The Essence

How can it be when I lost my heart and head to words, and now, they don't even strike any meaning with me?

I wanted to know if people cared, but now, I just want them to leave.

I just want to get this all over with, this degree, this stage, this job, this house, this career, this time, this age, this life and just.... rest.

I've had enough, really I have. Maybe I piled on a little too much at the beginning, but I've had my fill and nothing excites me anymore.

Those little wandering trails off the path, are so trivial once you look at them again.

What the hell was I thinking when I strayed away?

Just keep your head down, give in to the rat race, do your thing, and live a quiet, unassuming and peacful life.

Why aim? Why look above and beyond? When it is only an invitation to danger, heartbreak and failure. Silly, silly me. I must've read way too many books and let my imagination get the better of me. Face the facts. The facts of life. As dreary as they are. Look, in your textbooks. That is as much and as far as we can push.

*sigh*

No matter what you say, I will always feel this way. Until the day, I can look up, and see that smile in the sky again.

Towers Rise As Hearts Crumble

I am a cracked pot.

And I don't want to be fixed.

My heart is breaking

And I cannot be fixed.

Take me out of this time, this moment, this scene..

Take me away from this place, this situation, please...

I will always be this soul, no one can rein in

I will always be a bird, ready for take off

I will always be this deadened

Lifeless mannequin marked with stigmata

Can I ever get so far?

As to get away from everything that makes me me

Endless ferris wheel ride, all lights and sounds

Wanna waste a little time with me?

Run after me, then, because I'll always run a little faster

Hold me in your arms, hold me tight

Because my heart and soul are about to float away

Take me away from myself

Because I've grown tired of this meaningless shell

Yes, empty vessel, empty pot, empty heart

Nothing else exists, except the superficial

Blow me away, I am as light as a thought

As shallow as a puddle

As meaningless as a whim

As careless as a whisper

As shortlived as a trip

Throw me away, I am as useless as the day's paper

Throw myself away, I cannot see anymore

I cannot feel, do not want to rather

For all this meaning means nothing

Brings us to nowhere

And breaks us everywhere

----------------------------------------

"The price of a memory is the memory of the sorrow it brings."

"I can bleed as well as anyone, but I need someone to help me sleep."

"You can see a million miles tonight, but you can't get very far."

- Counting Crows

As I am counting my days

As I am counting the pieces of my scattered heart

Count me out


I am done.