Here We Go...

Mandatory birthday post, since I've already been actively posting almost every other day.


Well? Many people wish me a great day, having a blast and all...


All I can foresee are the 3 days off from work filled with chores and re-organising a broken paradise.


Sigh. I think, I've vented enough, that I've already ran out of steam. I have nothing much to say, so what should I blog about from now on?


Here's to another year, with not much in the horizon. I really smile and laugh too much, with this deeprooted sense of loss the whole time. I wonder why? Sigh. Take care, dear one. *blows a kiss*

Carcrash

Looking back through so many old photos and all the good times we had together with our friends, I really wonder, how they feel watching us break up, and they just never said/did anything to help us solve our problems.


It's like watching a car crash ay? It's gruesome yet you can't stop staring and talking about it, and you're so glad it didn't happen to you.


Screw all you "friends" out there. You can never realise how much pain the both of us are going through. Instead you try to medicate him with girls, booze, parties and all that fluff. There's only so far you can push him, until he steps off the edge and falls and realises what I realise now - that true friends don't do that.


Ergh. Whatever.

Still Can't Move On

Ever since I've been away from him, been secluded in my own little bubble, even then, there are people who like me and show it. I tell them straight away, I am a CHUM. Nothing else.


The weird ones, the rich ones, the cute ones, the smart ones, the quirky ones, the poor ones, the ultra-confident ones, the shy ones - have all come. But they can never measure up to HIM.


He has stolen my heart.

Music To Miss Him To

Anything In the World...

I'd do anything in the world to have him back, to restore his faith, to heal his soul, to be the one beside him, to hold his hand.






Today, I allowed myself just today, to break down a little, let my guard down, let some hurt out and stop smiling. Just today.

A Quiet Calm

Today meant a lot to me. Because it was a skewed version of Willy Wonka and the Golden Ticket, except that the ticket would take him further away from me, rather than bring him into my world.


There were so many things to be said or done, but, the air buzzed with the silence of two people with so much history and yet no future, both trying to outrun each other into oblivion.


But I have to agree with PoshJosh's theory of women actually getting tired of men liking them, because, it is true. I refuse to layan all advances, and once I feel anyone trying to get too close to me, I start giving excuses to not see them/go out with them. It's not a hostile thing, it's just, I'm tired of it all, and I'd rather go home and be by myself.


I realise it is because I have conciliated myself with these two facts:

1. I know he is my soul mate, and there is no one I'll be with for the rest of my life.
2. I know he will never take me back, so it's either him or no one at all.

And so be it. I'm fine with things as they are. I'm calm, going through every day, like clockwork. There are no major ups or downs (unless it is about him) and so that's how it's going to be.


Although, my greatest regret would be that I could never start that big family I've always wanted. But that's another chapter...

So Love.

I talk like I'm invincible
But all I can think of is you
And how I could make you fall back in love with me again

I may seem a little intense
For your old-fashioned senses
But, all I want is to be back in your arms again

Seeing what you do and what you say
And viewing those pictures of your face
Makes me feel like we never were apart
Makes me feel like, it was just yesterday I had your heart

And now, it's all just words and words
So vague and yet so blunt
The raw emotion I can sense like electricity in the air
Or am I just imagining like I always do

The spaces between your words
Are like the silences I heard
When you went away, and I cried all day
And night, until I tried to find someone

Who would be better than you
But til today, I can't stop thinking of
All the things we did and will do
If only, you were back here today

I may sound selfish, but this cruelty I wield
Is just to make you want to want me still
Is it foolish? Is it real?

I hate that every song I hear
Reminds me of you and how we used to be
Everything you told me that night
Keeps replaying whenever I fall asleep

I want you to love me
Or even just think, Hey, maybe...
What I'd do to make you love me...
Just, please, say... Maybe...

Funny Moments

I was just looking through some old photos in my lappy, and saw so many things, things that I will always remember for life, things that nothing in this world can ever take away from me. And seriously, some of them are so friggin' funny!!

Some are quite NSFW (in endearing ways, not XXX!) and it brings back so many good memories of us. I am still laughing thinking about it. 

This was a spying moment, back in the days of working together in Cyberjaya, when we'd all use the same toilet for smoking and breaks together with Jeremy. Cute pose! :D

This was us rushing to fetch his mom from the airport, where I'd always sleepily jump into the car with him, just to keep him company during those weird hours when he had to get his mom.

This was a snippet of our quiet, bonding moments in Segafredo's where we'd steal away from the world, and just be there in silence as one.

This was a camwhoring moment of his, when he worked in Pavilion, and I had the amazing privilege of him bringing me around when it was still being constructed. Yay for kitchen steel toe safety boots and the safety helmet. Pavilion will always be ours.

This was a note from him, when I drove all the way to fetch him from work, and instead he kicked up a fuss. All I wanted was for him to relax in the car, and not be tired, by having to wait ages for the bus, take the smelly bus back, and then wait again in the hot, lonely airport. Those words still ring true... I do care for him,mostly through my actions, even though my words are limited.

"I'm really feeling bad about the way i was just now,i know you wanted to spent time with me by fetching me.Instead of talking and spending good quality time i just threw it & wasted it away by my actions just now.I'm really feeling the pain & lost of our beautiful time together. I hope you could forgive,did not mean to hurt with those harsh words that i said.Yeah i know when people are angry they always say things they dont mean just to hurt the other person.I'm trying my best to change and not be like all the other people. I was really tired & moody not to mention having in balance of my grip when i walk or stand straight due to lack of sleep and all...

I know how much you care for me and i can see it in your actions,maybe i'm a dumb nimrod who prefers words rather to actions but i'm looking at the big picture not just small tiny words but all the things you do. THANK YOU for loving me and always putting up with my shit that i have to offer,wish i could be that perfect prince penguin charming for you. I may not be the best in showing my ways or sometimes show my love for you in the wrong ways but babe i really really really do love you from the bottom of my heart....from the first time my eyes laid eyes on you till this very moment and for all the future has in stored for us. Sweet Julia Dias i love so much that i over react most of the time......I'm sorry for those moments......Going to sleep now will talk to you later during the day,if you feel like talking to me after reading this please do wake me up and i'll will talk to you.......

Love always,

Ian Dias"

I wish I could turn back time, and have that all back. Fights, arguments, wrestling, crazy good times and all.

Thinking about it....

I still love him. 


That day, he called me in the middle of work. Shan was so excited for me, when he saw the look on my face, when I saw who was calling. He didn't have to ask who it was, because I never smiled like that before, so it only had to be ONE person.


But, unfortunately, it just turned out to be a massive rant by him, about money and about my mother being a horrible person.


That precious fleeting moment of utter joy traded for a whole day of tears, silence, confusion, worrying and self-hatred.


Now? In the middle of the night, I still think of looking into his eyes and the feeling of hugging him to sleep, resting my chin on his shoulder while his big brown hands envelop mine, and I rub my legs against his fuzzy warm ones.

Pink & Carey Hart & Willow Sage Hart

Friends from 2001, married in 2006, separated/divorced in 2008, back with a baby in 2011. 


Life, along the way, gets messed up and horrible, but if you're willing to give yourself and that other person another chance, things can be wonderful.

Eternal Sunshine

This movie has always been coming back to me lately, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, starring Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet, a couple whose relationship turned sour, and they both erased the memories of each other, but then, he realises that he still loves her, and they do meet eventually, and all the things that come together after that.


I never survived more than 20 minutes of that show, but I'm going to watch it soon. That's next on my lifeless online movie streaming playlist.


I have this vision, because we both just match each other so well, that if we could just erase all memories of us, and then one day, just start over again. In a more probable sense, I see this scene in my mind, say 2 years down the road, when we are both living on our own, and the pain has subsided, and then, we just run into each other, and decide, hey, let's just go for a drink at the nearby mamak, and then, after a few minutes of awkward conversation, we just start talking, like for real, and then, slowly, bit by bit, his friends and my friends are texting, "Hey, you serious you going out with her/him for dinner?" and then, we slowly go out again and again, and realise how much we fit together, and then, we go on One date, then another and another, and then... walk into the sunset together, with TinkyWinky and her children and ours, by our side.


Ah well. Wishful thinking. That's never going to happen.

The Boundaries of my love....

The ways I showed him I love him:


I would save up all my angpow money, so I could actually buy him things that I knew he would enjoy for a very long time 
- his PS2, because he badly wanted it, (on the verge of the launch of the PS3), which I cracked my head badly to look for, as I don't know much about PS2 prices
- the iPod 160GB because he loves music and has tons of it and always loves listening to music wherever he is, something I've always wished for, but never had the heart to spend the money on, for myself.
- the Harmon Kardon iPod dock sound system that looks like a modern boombox, which brings back memories of the 80s, and yet, is kick-ass better than Altec Lansing, which I was looking for like mad, when I took him out for his birthday massage in Circle massage and dinner at Bubba Gump's in the Curve. The massage was awesome, I must save up and go try one day, because they have these lavly rattan woven cocoons which are your rooms, and really nice looking stuff. I never even walked in to the place, except to bring him there. After blasting the eardrums of so many people, staff and customers alike, I finally decided on the Harmon Kardon, which I got later on.
- the Sennheiser head phones, when he wanted Skullcandy, whereas, I thought quality over style, and I looked high and low, for great sound which was somewhat similar to the Skullcandy ones. Personally, the Sennheiser noise blocking system looks way more comfortable than Skullcandy ones, and it comes with leather covered cushions and gold-plated cables. Wachaaww!


In the beginning, I didn't have much to spend, and so, I usually bought him bottles of Southern Comfort, because I knew, he didn't have the heart to buy those bottles but he loved it so much, that they would finish really fast, and so I did. Those bottles sit in the refrigerator now, holding water, with the date and occasions they were bought for.


I always knew when he was hungry, and would always try to get him good food. I know he likes creamy stuff, and looked for recipes containing his favourite ingredients, like bacon, cheese, mayonnaise, eggs and whatnot. I always tried to make him dishes that I knew he would love, and so came up with things that he said he loves (but I think now, it's different) like poached eggs (because he likes runny yolks) on luncheon meat (he loves pork) and white bread (he loves Gardenia).


He didn't use to drink coffee, but he eventually started, and we both love Coffee Bean, and so, he only drank Ultimate Vanilla Ice Blended (with coffee), and so I thought of making super ice cold milky coffee, and came up with, well, there's no name for it except for Ian's coffee. A non-alcoholic version of Bailey's, which he also loves.


He loves bacon and mayonnaise, and so I made tomatoes, stuffed with bacon, onion, parsley & mayonnaise, which is the only way he eats tomatoes anyways.


He so badly wanted an awesome old-school car, and when he got it, I loved seeing the look on his face when he drove it. When he got into an accident, I lent him some savings so he could repair the car, and drove him to work, the airport, at wee hours in the mornings, worked night job and had classes at the same time. I would get followed by weird people at 4am in the morning, go sleep outside a dark lonely college until it was time for classes, because that would be the only time I had. I would rush back from work just to send him to work, and then rush off to class again, being on my feet the whole day, and then come back, and fetch him, and then worry about what he'd want to eat for dinner. A hungry penguin is an angry grumpy penguin.


I knew he loves car shows, Taxi, Saw, Fast and Furious, so when I went back to Penang, I would go to the DVD shop and hunt for all those DVDs, just so we could sit back and watch those together.


All these things I did, he'd say that I was a spendthrift, and didn't know how to control my money. Yes, I do buy clothes now and then, and I enjoy getting something small every time, but it can never be as much as the money I actually am willing to spend for him. I would never dare, until now, to buy myself anything even though I badly want it, but I know, he LOVES these things, and so....


One of the last birthdays, I didn't know what to get him, and so I hunted around for the Stadium Arcadium by RHCP, and the next round, I got him the albums from Avenged Sevenfold. Those were really hard to find. 


If we didn't break up, I already had so many things lined up in my Bookmarks tabs, of all the things I wanted to get him. Original band tour Tshirts, candy skull Zippo, candy skull & pin-up paraphernelia, and oh well, actually, a Schechter guitar, if it must be said.


Oh yeah, I also designed the pink acoustic guitar for him. All the nights he was complaining and quarreling with me, I was actually spending drawing up the sketch, trying to incorporate things that he loves (skulls, stars, "Living Art", pink) into a guitar and the other days painting it and going all worried because it might not turn out perfect.


All the times I would get up in the middle of the night to make him food, as fast as possible, so that he could go to sleep.


Taking him to buy plants and buying the bamboo plant, even though I had to skimp a lot for the month, because it was too costly.


I don't look at money when I love someone, because I'd rather spend it on him, because it will make him happy.


And he says I don't appreciate the value of money, I sleep my life away, amongst other things. All those things he says to me hurts, because, I always had him at heart, when I did those things. Yes, I was super bitchy, but, it all came out, because we had so many petty issues we did not resolve, and it started to come out.


I also went on a board game craze, because I wanted to start staying home a little more, spend more time with him, but I don't think that made a point.


Seriously, if I got a windfall, the first things I think about are getting him the things he's always wanted. Like, a laptop, a sound system for TV and for the laptop (oh yeah, I spotted one, with Harmon Kardon sound system, perfect for him). Oh yeah, and the times I had backache, spending so many hours rearranging his entire music library, so it would look good on his new iPod go to waste. I "only spend time sleeping and drinking".


Sigh.


The boundaries of my love? None. In a heartbeat, I would be there for him. All he has to do is ask.

Tunes for the week...

Happy 6th Anniversary

How it all came about:


I was on the verge of being single for about 2 years, while attending art school with my besties StitchRex and YzmaEelyn. StitchRex was in a relationship with SadSimon, who ended up getting a job at Rainforest Pub in Sunway, where us 3 girls used to hang out, for great wood-fired pizzas and an occasional drink during our later gossip sessions.


So one night, we were having some food and beers at Rainforest, this guy comes over, in baggy khaki pants, the black Rainforest t-shirt, a red bandana on his forehead, so close to his eyes that it covered his eyebrows, and serves us our beers. Then he looks over at YzmaEelyn who's doing Perspective drawing on her artboard and starts talking non-stop, asking us where we're from, and saying that he's doing Interior Architecture in Limkokwing and how he loves it all and blablabla.


We were at first, pleasantly surprised, but as he went on and on, YzmaEelyn and StitchRex were exchanging looks, because the conversation was getting longer and longer. The boss walks by, says he's the new bartender, and then tells him to go do something. Bubbly bartender walks off, and the sleazy boss talks to us, asking us how the food is and all.


The next day, we were outside, this time, just having some food, in the early evening, when SadSimon comes over to us, and saying he wanted to tell me something

"Julia, the bartender asked me to ask you, if he can give you his number."

And so, I said, "Er, it's okay. No thank you."

SadSimon goes back inside for a bit, comes out again, and says,

"His name is Ian, and he asked me to tell you that he's not Malay."

We all laugh, because that's so random, but I eventually don't take his number nor give him mine.


That weekend, 3 of us went over to StitchRex's place to have a stayover, Friday night, as we were going up to Genting to have CoffeeBean and have StitchRex's brother test out his new engine. That night itself, when we were having a good laugh over standup comedies, my phone beeped. I looked at it and a message from an unknown number said:

"Hi I'm Ian the bartender from rainforest. how's your weekend going?"

 And I replied that I was at my bestie's place having a sleepover because we were going up to Genting for coffee the next day. And so, we texted each other a few times, and that was it. 


After coming back to my room in Sunway, getting ready for the week of classes, one night, I get a text from IanBartender, asking me if I would like to go out for a drink at a mamak. Having no car back then, I told him so, and he said that he would fetch me. Now, thinking over and over and over, I finally told him where I stayed, and he said that he would fetch me after sending something to his friend's place. So I got ready, and mooched around the lappy for a bit, until he said he was outside.


Outside, I saw this little Kancil, with a guy I could barely recognize from Rainforest, because I had no remembrance of him. There he was, in baggy khakis, a short sleeved shirt, and that bandana over his eyes again. And I was thinking to myself, "Ohmygod, I better not get killed/raped/kidnapped tonight." And then, I opened the door and sat inside.


He smelt wonderful, but I think, the both of us had over-enthusiastically sprayed too much perfume, and over the mingling smells of both our scents, he complimented mine. Which was really sweet of him. And so, he took me to a nearby mamak in SS15, Darussalam, which was his favourite hangout, and we only had ONE drink each, and that talk lasted from, if I remember rightly, 10 something at night, to 8am the next morning.


He sent me back, and he went to work, I went to classes, and that night itself, we went to the same mamak again, but this time, I brought my good friend, DarshenC, in case Ian got any ideas, and also in a weird way, for Darshen to kinda give Ian the acid friend test. Turns out, Darshen's older sis and Ian were good friends back in church, and they have tons of mutual friends. We all have a good night, and go back home.


The next day, we meet up again, and sit down and talk and talk and talk. And the next afternoon, he takes me to Taipan Subang Burger King, where we eat burgers, and he tells me that you can actually see Genting from there. It's slightly misty and drizzly, and then he asks if I want to have a drink. I agree, he jumps over the rail saying that he's going back to get the bottle of his most favourite drink, Southern Comfort, and that he'll be back soon.


I actually wait quite long, and I get really cold and wondering how the heck I'm going to get back if he turns out to be a weird guy who just walked away. But, he comes back and we get into his car. I'm shivering, and he sees that, and offers his jacket, which is a really cool DHL jacket from his dad's old job. Somehow, somewhere, I sneak a tiny sniff, and it smells absolutely wonderful. A little bit of home, perfume and his smell, which smells so right. We eventually make it back to my room. I make him stay outside in the hall for a quite long, while I clear up my super messy room, and then finally we sit down and start chatting away, while having sips of Southern Comfort.


We get a nice buzz from the drinks, and start daring each other to do the silliest things in the world, and laugh our asses off at each other. Then, somehow, I ask him if he wants to stay over, and he agrees. I take a bath, and later on, he tells me that HE sneaks a sniff at my pillow and he likes the smell of me, my shampoo which he finds on it. He also takes a bath, while I make a makeshift bed of comforters and blankets on the floor, with a blanket for him, and my baby blanket for myself.


We both lie down, chat a little more, and then, he looks at me, his face slightly pink, and asks me, "Can I kiss you?"


I blush, and say nothing, and bury myself under the sheets, laughing shyly. He asks again, and I look up at him, and say, "I'm too shy!!" We kinda laugh and muck our way around it, and he asks again, really seriously, and so we kiss.


And before we made sweet love, the moment just before it, he looks into my eyes, and whispers, "I love you." I didn't hear him clearly, and I say, "What was that?" and he shakes his head shyly and says nothing. 


One week later, he takes me out to dinner, at his favourite restaurant in Taipan, Pizza Uno, and then, he says he's taking me to a surprise place. We end up going to Sunway Pyramid, and we're walking towards Rainforest. He asks me to sit down at one of the pillars, the skylights are moving and shining, the buzz of people walking around, and then he drops down on one knee, and asks me,

"Will you be my girlfriend, Julia Ung?" 

From that day on, we were inseparable.


Happy 6th Anniversary, my soulmate.

Beauty & The Beast

Burned my hand quite badly today, grabbing a super hot pan handle and the best part was, I couldn't let go, coz it was sticking a little. o___O!


Oh well, everyone really rallied around me and were super concerned, which is super sweet, and I made it home, driving my manual white bug, safely, thank God.


Now... to make it through the night, and if its really bad tomorrow, I'll go see a doctor. Hoping that they'll bandage it super tight, so it gets numb, so I can continue and work. Sigh.... Looking at long white streaks on my palm right now... wonder what human meat tastes like.




And, yeah, heard that Bow Chica Wow Wow song just before coming back. Well, no chance anymore, he's a really changed person now. Doesn't care about anything or anyone, or their feelings, except whoever he's with now I guess. So rude and cold, and he's requested that I delete the pics on FB that have us together. AND he also deleted his account.


I can only hope and pray that someone will give him so much love, and change him back into that wonderful person I love and know. Beast after all, is still a prince under all that. He's a good man. He is. I believe in him, even if he doesn't believe in anything now.


Goodbye Ian Penguin...

Whatever Life Brings

Do whatever you want, because you deserve to
Do whatever you will, because I can't say no
Do whoever you please, because you can, dear
Do whatever you want, but I will still be waiting here

Somebody Sweep Me Off My Feet...

Someone out there, tell me you love me for who I am, tell me that I am your only one, sweep me off my feet, and we can put on that Bow Chica Wow wow...


This song just thrills me to my core somehow, it's just a melody that happens when you're with that person you love, all the sensations and feelings coming together....


That guitar bit brings me back to those days of us looking into each others eyes, in fact, the first time we spent the night together....

Scars

This would so be the song he would sing to me I think...

Who do I think I am?

i know for a fact that i am nothing without him.

no one wants to marry a nothing nobody.

What else can I do....

but wait?


My heart is fully broken, my soul is beyond redemption, even though he looks through me like a piece of stained and broken glass, with no recognition of love in his eyes, I still love him dearly.


I search the house for remnants of his smell, I even smile when I see a hair of his when I clean the house, all these things are slowly disappearing as the days go by.


I still can imagine him around the house, doing what he loves doing, playing music, strumming on the guitar, jumping around and just lying on the floor, thinking and manjaing, or even our mini wrestling sessions.


That night, after I ran to him, and he looked at me, like I was a piece of dirt, like I really meant nothing to him, like I was just a nuisance, it really broke me.


I have to come to terms to it. Despite all the hurting words and things he keeps repeating to me, I still wait here, with so much love in my broken heart. I still love him, with all my soul, which has such a deep wound, that it will never really heal inside, even though it has scarred over on the outside.


What else can I do to let him know that I have so much love to give him and so much that I'd sacrifice to be with him, even the precious hours of my sleep, just to smell him, just to hug him to sleep, just to hold his hand and have him grasp mine back, just to lie down with him, and run my hands over his fuzzy knees, just to sit there in silence and look into his beautiful eyes, and see love shining back at me from them, just to do all those things we know we both love to do, and do them together in our little bubble of love, with that mutual understanding that can only come through tests of time and faith and trouble, that we are so comfortable with each other, and yet, have so many things out there that we can do, new things that we can explore together as partners.


Yes, you, yes YOU. I still love you. 


Goodnight sweetie, my heart is forever parked under that cherry tree in Piggyland. Sir ErnieBernie still hovers around, waiting to ignite those butterflies and pink pigs in your Penguin stomach.

Weeds

Every few nights after work, I come back, and pull out weeds from the garden. Doing this is therapeutic in its own way, while allowing me to have a few thoughts, winding down after a hard day's work. 


Mainly, I wish he was standing at the porch door, having a ciggie, while he's washing down the area, while I clear up the garden, with TinkyWinky gamboling like a mini-pony. We'd both enjoy it together, I'm sure. Quality time spent with the one you love.


Another, which I thought about today, was that relationships are like gardens. It's calming, soothing and pays you back in little ways. It needs a lot of nurture, care, understanding, some new things every now and then, stays with you through rain or shine, and weeds? Weeds are like problems. It starts out as a random seed, spread by air, birds or any other agent. At first one or two spring up. If you're lazy and say, "Ah, it's okay. I'll leave that for another day" then the roots start to grow. If you pluck it out while it's still 'young', the roots come out easily. If you let it grow, the roots grow stronger and deeper, and soon it's a whole network of roots. Some areas have more weeds than others, some weeds are easy to deal with, some need more work. When you weed, you have to stick your fingers in, feel around and identify the weed from the grass. Often, after weeding, you also lose a little grass here and there, there might be empty patches in certain places, but the grass will grow back again. But, no matter how much time and effort you spend, there will always be new weeds. So you just deal with those, as they come, because, the best thing, is to nip it in the bud, before it grows huger and before you know it, your garden is totally overrun by weeds.


Relationships like gardens, also can be shaped and pruned according to your fancy. Talking to your plants makes them grow better, particularly, positive speech. You can design it how you want, and as it grows, you also change with it, because the shaping, planting and nurturing can be done, but nature also takes her own path with it.


If you're overrun with weeds, you can uproot everything, start again from scratch. The land is always there with new chances and opportunities, and when you plant everything, and give it the care and nurturing it needs, it will always grow back.


The smell of earth just tells me, that there are always chances to change, improve, start new and forge on... and so I wait here, with hope....