Thinking about it....

I still love him. 


That day, he called me in the middle of work. Shan was so excited for me, when he saw the look on my face, when I saw who was calling. He didn't have to ask who it was, because I never smiled like that before, so it only had to be ONE person.


But, unfortunately, it just turned out to be a massive rant by him, about money and about my mother being a horrible person.


That precious fleeting moment of utter joy traded for a whole day of tears, silence, confusion, worrying and self-hatred.


Now? In the middle of the night, I still think of looking into his eyes and the feeling of hugging him to sleep, resting my chin on his shoulder while his big brown hands envelop mine, and I rub my legs against his fuzzy warm ones.