Confusion in Clarity

Just had a short and full-to-the-brim conversation with him. And yes, I am a horrible person.


I portray myself and assume the world sees me, as a happy-go-lucky, partying, always laughing person.


Honestly, *deep breath* I am happy-go-lucky because even my own thoughts scare me at times.


I party a lot, because that is the one time I can stop thinking about life and how shitty I am at it.


I laugh a lot because if I were to reveal how I really feel inside and act out how I feel, I wouldn't be able to function at all.


And I externalise those sad feelings by pushing away those who really know how I feel.


Sick. Demented. Depressed.


Au contraire, I do not enjoy being depressed. Who does? And I really feel sick to my stomach, knowing that he "can't stomach all this" in me.


Is it a new beginning or the final end to it all? Step up, change, and live the life I've set for myself. The path created with all my mistakes, carelessness and cruelty.


Fair is it not?


Shit. The only thing that keeps me going now is work. After and before is just numbing empty echoing walls of silence..........